Pre-Leadership Prayer

Not my will
Let Your will be done, Lord
I am willing to step into leadership
Lead me, O Lord
In the steps
For Your kingdom’s sake
Protect my family

Inspiration On: Saturday, 23 January 2016

After attending storytelling course has ended, suddenly I begin to count on the messages I receive about my husband’s death. The first dream is I didn’t see him only his gift for me. Then my business mentor spoke about David begged God for His mercy for his first son with Bathsheba. Next is the dream of Husband beside his elder brother’s coffin and to say he is following his brother’s footsteps. The sermon message from SNE’s mother’s funeral wake that those who do not want to die will die but those who want to die can’t die. In order to attend encounter, I am assigned under LT’s CG and SS is my cell leader. When she shared about her dreams about her husband’s death, she didn’t realize it earlier. She felt that she regretted not spending enough time with her husband. Recent dream was another three dreams of my husband’s death. Then a man asked me whether I am a single mother. That ached my heart. After I let go of my wedding ring, the man appeared again to say ‘quick’ to give me a graphic design job and a business space. Few days ago, during prayer I saw my husband’s dead face. Yesterday, LT excluded me from marriage encounter and told me to seek the Lord. Lord, yes I am willing to step into leadership.

Dream is five times. Once in my prayer so I opened my eyes. Twice from sermons. Four times through people.

Glad to be punctual for the service. SS is late. Today, I feel better to worship the Lord. Anna comes. Suddenly, I am reminded of my son’s posture when he was in his 6 months. He raised his hands so high begging to be carried. So I raise up my hands high to the Lord wanting to be carried. During sermon, I receive the Lord’s message that truth hurts. I thank Him to lead me to the verse to speak the truth in love and He enables me to do so with His strength. I respond to Him in my heart, “Thank You, Lord Jesus for touching my heart and how You show Your heart through my dad’s example and in my life. Thank You for leading me to the verse, “speak the truth in love” many times. Grant me the courage to step into leadership and business leadership for my family’s salvation sake. Equip me, O Lord.” Since nobody is around, I go to the front seeking the Lord’s forgiveness for disappointing Him. I feel unwilling to step into leadership. However, I am willing to step into leadership for my family’s sake. The intercessor asks my prayer request. I answer is my career to contribute my part to further God’s kingdom. I’m looking for partnership with the same vision, mission and values. I thank God to be blessed with a business space though with lesser pay. I gladly accept it. In the space, I never expect to unable to understand simple English instructions. In the end, I misunderstood it and did it wrongly so I got kicked out. She leads me in prayer for the second time. I speak my respond to the Lord, “not my will, let Your will be done. Yes, I am willing to step into leadership for my family’s sake.” Another person wearing black is also laying hand to me. Another intercessor? SS? Impossible it is her. The intercessor prays for God’s leading in my career life and to lead me to the right people. Then she asks my cell leader’s name so I answer I am under SS. She doesn’t know. Then I remember the hierarchy and tells her that I’m also under LT. Again she doesn’t know. Finally, I remember pastor JO and mention to her. The prayer ends and everyone has left.

When I turn my head behind, I get a shock the other intercessor is not an intercessor. Oh, SS, my cell leader. I feel embarrassed. Then she brings me to fetch my son. She finds me because I haven’t fetched my son from his Saturday school. On the way to the MRT station, I feel so speechless and feel awkward. Upon knowing she is busy with many clients, I feel so happy for her to earn income. She has been holding my son’s hand. Then I am reminded to give her external DVD-Writer. She refuses it many times and just want from God. I answer her many times that it is a token of my appreciation of her as a friend. Until she says that I haven’t got a job yet and next time she can’t accept it. Inside my heart, I am thinking “Does it matter?” I feel like answering her to accept it as God’s blessing. In the MRT, she finds out from my son who laughed at me being stepped by the big green parrot. Then he shared that we are going to the zoo tomorrow. She advises me to spend more time with my husband. Oh no! The fifth confirmation of my husband’s death through people.

At night, my husband enjoys looking at me and compliments me to look cute. Do I look cute, Lord? I don’t feel anything when I look at myself. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

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