Girls’ Invisible Autism

Internalized feelings
Silence with unfamiliar people
Attraction towards pets
Being lost in own world
Termed as being shy

In silence
Overwhelmed with sensory overload
Anxiety and fear deep inside
Masking with expressionless face
Pouring out my hearts to Jesus
Seeking to overcome own challenges
Observing and smile to babies and pets


Inspiration On: Saturday, 22 April 2017 at 8:11am

I divulge my autism issue with friends whom I feel comfortable with. My struggle is in communication. Socializing with strangers is not a problem. It depends on whom I feel comfortable to talk to. My friends label me as being introvert and shy. Am I shy? That’s my question.

I do not understand myself. Seeking to have self-understanding. Last year, the autism diagnosis had tested me positive. It created mixed feelings – fearful, upset, relief. “Why You Cannot See My Daughter’s Autism?” news help me to have a better understanding of myself.

Life’s Demands and Expectations

Everyone has escalating demands
Now! Now!

Laundry shouts at me
Wash! Spin! Dry! Hang!

Computer seeks my attention
Beep! Beep!

Emails are calling out to me
Open ME! Read ME!

Child also seek immediate attention
Play with ME! Accompany ME!

Husband expects more
Manage the household! Manage others!

Parents expect serving them
Give immediate help

In laws expect control over me
Jobs providence come

Freelance work client seeks attention
Put client the first

Self-expectation desire to excel in life
Fall short of all

Life’s workload bogs me down
Losing self

True friends come into my life
Angels lift me up

Confusion is cleared
See with more clarity

Discernment enters
Empathy increases

Agree to disagree
Learn to speak indirectly

Inspiration On: Saturday, 26 April 2014 at 3:35am
Revised On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 10:30pm

It began with the first third and eleventh stanza. As I return back to revise further, I pour out more of my overwhelming feelings. Thus the title change from “Life’s workload bogs me down” to “Life’s demands and expectations”. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Movie Seat

Body moves
Left and right
Intentionally slip his butt
Sitting up and down

Seat going up
Leaning with back
Slip!
Falls onto his knees


Inspiration On: Thursday, 20 March 2014 at 4:30pm
Edited On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 7:14pm

I was bringing my son to watch movie “Mr. Peabody & Sherman”. He had a hard time sitting quietly. In the end, he he moved his body around and stood up. My maid attempted to let him sit but to no avail. Thus he had a fall from the chair. Everybody laughed at him. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Extreme Opposing Patterns

Judge others harshly
Lack of understanding
Overlook own mistakes
Extremely self-forgiving
Finding fault on others
Searching for scapegoats
Seeking control on others’ lives
Protecting own interest

Extremely forgiving others’ mistakes easily
Full of empathy and understanding
No excuse with own mistakes
Admit own faults
Beware of being the scapegoat
Be sensitive to manipulative spirits
Protect others’ interest
Seek the Lord’s intervention to stop being controlled

Circumstances and situations
May cause
Both extremes switch places
Thus the cycle continues

Maintain self-care purpose
In order to
Care others require
Recognise the higher power
Omnipotent God sees
Seeking my Lord and Saviour
To be the person whom the Lord wants


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 14 September 2016

It has been months I have been feeling miserable. My cell leader has been highlighting to me repetitively to learn to self care so that I can care others. I begin realise that it is my mistakes to let others enter into my boundaries. I refuse to let my patterns to continue and ask God for wisdom. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Judgmental / Poor Listeners

Assumes beforehand
Quick to judge
Quick to stereotype
Quick to finish up sentences
Quick to speak
Ear drums are filtered
Full of opinions
Overlook unexpected important heart-to-heart issues
Instantly jump into conclusions


Inspiration On: Monday, 5 September 2016

Suddenly, my ex-mentor attempts to help me. Then I begin to understand her good intention by trying to help me with her way. Then she admits her weaknesses for being judgmental. Then I admit my recent newfound strength is being a good listener. However, it can be my weaknesses as I share my cases. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Drunk

Dizzy
Light sensation inside
Head
Heart
Body
Floating feeling

Drown my sorrow
Heart speaks out of pain and fear
Being stuck in between
Being put in a difficult position and situations
Due to my decision to
Listen and follow people’s expectations

Recent cases
Learning to assert myself
Losing temper
Drawing boundaries
Instead of letting others overstep my boundaries
Often fails

Crying due to
Being taken advantage
Being hard-pressed
Due to listen to my parents more
Rather than realising the
Whisper of the Holy Spirit

Almost lose myself
Stuck in between at home
Instead of enjoying at home
Choose to go out
Outside also
Almost lose myself

Awakened from confusion
Choose to discern and refuse to go for
Autism assessment
In order to get job offer
Believing the Lord’s providence
Gain the Lord’s favour through the interview

Receive job offer and do my best
Mistakes after mistakes
Pressured to perform multi-task
Switching from task to task
Overwhelmed
Mind goes blank

Inside feels disappointed with self
For angering my friend
Understanding her fears and cares
Knowing her deepest concern
That breaks my heart
My wrong conclusion cause her problem

If going for earlier autism assessment
I will not frustrate others
Due to my confusion
Others will not frustrate me
Life will be better for everyone
Understanding self improve lifestyle

Upon deciding to go for autism assessment
Why do my parents show angry looks?
The other friend disagrees for my parents’ mindset
Hearing my honesty of suicidal mindset
Period of recovery and need others’ help too
That friend’s feedback echo

Stunned of my close friend
Suddenly hugs me and apologises
Speechless and awkward
The other friend’s husband sends me home with her and son
Floating sense and dizzy
Acting to walk steadily home with own son


Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

The other friend whom I celebrate my friend’s birthday informs her husband to send me home. She knows that I can’t go home by myself if I’m drunk. But I don’t know whether I am drunk. I just feel that my body is lighter and easier to speak out of my heart. She shares her method to drown her sorrow – social withdraw and watch dramas and movies. Unexpectedly, I blurt out my heart out and confess my sins of suicidal feelings. Unexpectedly, I turn into into poetry. Only to know later that it is termed as depression. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Dizzy

Staggering
Spinning
Blurring
Sights

People
Things
Environment
Move around

Is there an earthquake?
Why are my legs wobbly?
Is my body out of balance?
Why my head feels spinning?


Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

The other friend whom I celebrate my friend’s birthday informs her husband to send me home. She knows that I can’t go home by myself if I’m drunk. But I don’t know whether I am drunk. I just feel that my body is lighter and easier to speak out of my heart. Wish you all have good days and thank you.