Extreme Opposing Patterns

Judge others harshly
Lack of understanding
Overlook own mistakes
Extremely self-forgiving
Finding fault on others
Searching for scapegoats
Seeking control on others’ lives
Protecting own interest

Extremely forgiving others’ mistakes easily
Full of empathy and understanding
No excuse with own mistakes
Admit own faults
Beware of being the scapegoat
Be sensitive to manipulative spirits
Protect others’ interest
Seek the Lord’s intervention to stop being controlled

Circumstances and situations
May cause
Both extremes switch places
Thus the cycle continues

Maintain self-care purpose
In order to
Care others require
Recognise the higher power
Omnipotent God sees
Seeking my Lord and Saviour
To be the person whom the Lord wants


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 14 September 2016

It has been months I have been feeling miserable. My cell leader has been highlighting to me repetitively to learn to self care so that I can care others. I begin realise that it is my mistakes to let others enter into my boundaries. I refuse to let my patterns to continue and ask God for wisdom. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Judgmental / Poor Listeners

Assumes beforehand
Quick to judge
Quick to stereotype
Quick to finish up sentences
Quick to speak
Ear drums are filtered
Full of opinions
Overlook unexpected important heart-to-heart issues
Instantly jump into conclusions


Inspiration On: Monday, 5 September 2016

Suddenly, my ex-mentor attempts to help me. Then I begin to understand her good intention by trying to help me with her way. Then she admits her weaknesses for being judgmental. Then I admit my recent newfound strength is being a good listener. However, it can be my weaknesses as I share my cases. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Drunk

Dizzy
Light sensation inside
Head
Heart
Body
Floating feeling

Drown my sorrow
Heart speaks out of pain and fear
Being stuck in between
Being put in a difficult position and situations
Due to my decision to
Listen and follow people’s expectations

Recent cases
Learning to assert myself
Losing temper
Drawing boundaries
Instead of letting others overstep my boundaries
Often fails

Crying due to
Being taken advantage
Being hard-pressed
Due to listen to my parents more
Rather than realising the
Whisper of the Holy Spirit

Almost lose myself
Stuck in between at home
Instead of enjoying at home
Choose to go out
Outside also
Almost lose myself

Awakened from confusion
Choose to discern and refuse to go for
Autism assessment
In order to get job offer
Believing the Lord’s providence
Gain the Lord’s favour through the interview

Receive job offer and do my best
Mistakes after mistakes
Pressured to perform multi-task
Switching from task to task
Overwhelmed
Mind goes blank

Inside feels disappointed with self
For angering my friend
Understanding her fears and cares
Knowing her deepest concern
That breaks my heart
My wrong conclusion cause her problem

If going for earlier autism assessment
I will not frustrate others
Due to my confusion
Others will not frustrate me
Life will be better for everyone
Understanding self improve lifestyle

Upon deciding to go for autism assessment
Why do my parents show angry looks?
The other friend disagrees for my parents’ mindset
Hearing my honesty of suicidal mindset
Period of recovery and need others’ help too
That friend’s feedback echo

Stunned of my close friend
Suddenly hugs me and apologises
Speechless and awkward
The other friend’s husband sends me home with her and son
Floating sense and dizzy
Acting to walk steadily home with own son


Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

The other friend whom I celebrate my friend’s birthday informs her husband to send me home. She knows that I can’t go home by myself if I’m drunk. But I don’t know whether I am drunk. I just feel that my body is lighter and easier to speak out of my heart. She shares her method to drown her sorrow – social withdraw and watch dramas and movies. Unexpectedly, I blurt out my heart out and confess my sins of suicidal feelings. Unexpectedly, I turn into into poetry. Only to know later that it is termed as depression. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Dizzy

Staggering
Spinning
Blurring
Sights

People
Things
Environment
Move around

Is there an earthquake?
Why are my legs wobbly?
Is my body out of balance?
Why my head feels spinning?


Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

The other friend whom I celebrate my friend’s birthday informs her husband to send me home. She knows that I can’t go home by myself if I’m drunk. But I don’t know whether I am drunk. I just feel that my body is lighter and easier to speak out of my heart. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Confession Time

Red water drips smoothly into
The wine cup
Celebrating my close friend’s birthday
A close friend and even colleague

Please listen to me
Wanted to speak my heart out to her
Her two other friends confide and share

My heart and mind feel lighter
The message to deliver to my friend
Turns into cries and willingness to go for therapy
Unexpected of her kind comfort


Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

I want to talk to my close friend about my feelings. However, I don’t know how to put it. Today celebrate my friend’s birthday with two other friends at the friend’s house. Appreciate for my friend to ask my address so that she can send me home before I get drunk. I don’t know the feeling of drunk. I appreciate to have it at my friend’s house because I feel safer. We share our broken-heartedness due to our decisions. I learn a new insight from the other friend how to discern wisely. I’m surprised I become dizzy and feels lighter. Suddenly, every experiences are spoken, the developing sociophobia due to my husband and mother in law, then the feeling of everyone is awaiting me to make mistakes. When my forgetfulness frustrates others especially my good friend, I feel so hurt. So I can’t wait to go for therapy. I should have listened to my ex-business mentor to go for earlier assessment and get help. The reason I didn’t listen is due to always listen to others’ advises and do it. In the end, it land me to dire situations. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Please Listen to Me

Do you know
What you are doing?
Do you know
Who are the people she sends to?

My eyes open wide
Overlook the email sent by the person
Last night I have been asking
Ex-business mentor who has been in the finance industry

I speak out
I explain my thoughts
Only to be treated
Being self-defensive

Yes
I made the mistake
I’m wrong
Forgive me

Being silent
Seems the best
Nobody wants to listen me
Please listen to me

Are everybody waiting for me
To make mistakes unexpectedly?
Why do I make the mistakes?
Forgive me, Lord

If I go earlier for autism assessment
Then earlier for therapy
I will not land my friend into trouble
If I listen to advise

Hold onto my tears
Rush to the bathroom
Hiding in the cubicle
Tears roll down uncontrollably

Stop then return to my desk
A lady colleague gives
A sour salty sweets
Then a big pack of tissue

Embarrassingly tears hard to control
Sobbing quietly
Picking tissue pieces after pieces
Hold onto to it

A kind gesture from a colleague
Swear to keep quiet
Willingly to lend a pair of listening ears
Thanking profusely yet choose to keep quiet

Reminded of the Bible
Beware of wagging tongues
Spread like wildfire
Being quiet and cry to my Lord


Inspiration On: Friday, 26 August 2016

I just want to do my best. I overlook the email that the customer sent to my higher management. My friend sees it and is scared so she scolds me. When I explain myself, she feels that I am being self-defensive. Oh no! I make the mistake. I don’t mean it to happen.

Prevention is better than cure

Prevention is better than cure
Mostly quoted idiom
Very few people mean it
Most people quote it so well
The fact is few people really care

Once the weaker ones
Speak out
Highlight
Seeking help

The stronger ones
Put it down
Push it aside
Overlook it

Refuse to stretch out
Their hearts, feet and hands
Forget the idiom
Prevention is better than cure

As the weaker ones
Welling tears dry up
Tired of speaking
Hitting the head against the wall

Until a truly caring person
Willingly stretch out help to the weak
Who attempt to stand up again
The weak faces all disadvantages

Needing the Saviour’s intervention
Who gives many opportunities
Through the people who truly reach out
To the weak to stand up


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Lately, I am pissed off with someone who quotes, “prevention is better than cure”. However, when someone is slightly sick, he/she is being chided for making noise. Therefore, I feel the person who speaks it out is contradicting. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

A Cycle of Pattern

On my office table
An apple on my office laptop
A 2014 courier receipt attention to my name
A sealed box of ferrero rocher
Today the glue bottle is lost

On my friend’s table
Unfinished drinks in dispensable cups
Shock her many times
Today is a can of energy drink
None is lost

Two times to receive food to consume
More than two times she throws drinks
My two cases happen twice before
Another account manager mentions
Employ experienced or students
My friend’s cases happen
After that manager mentions

Life is likened to
A cycle of pattern
For different people


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Opposite Perspectives

Assigned to assist in another department
Entering into the same high security space
Three levels of tight security

Imbues in me
A sense of security and privacy
Towards the consumers

Another colleague
Speak out her view based on media
Many levels of hell

Conclude people often perceive others
Through their own lenses and experiences
Rather than finding out the truth and matter


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Thank God for the opportunity to help at my current employers’ warehouse to do stock count for two hours to represent my friend who hasn’t reached office. Grateful joy of working together with a new colleague and other two colleagues. It’s good for mobile phone is not allowed to use inside for the card users’ privacy. A male colleague nicely warn not to touch things not to our area. Or else if things are lost and captured by camera, it will give people the wrong impression. A lady colleague leads us into the safety room. As we walk into the room, we need to sign in. It is a large square space filled with boxes of cards and machines. I see people walking around and speaking to one another. There are three level of security doors. The other colleague feels that the level of security is likened to levels of hell. However, I don’t see it that way. I feel that it gives the secure feeling. In the third level warehouse, I count the cards with machine is to perform my job. However, a lady colleague says I want to play the card count machine. What type of message do I give to people? Or is it she sees people that way? Wish you all have good days and thank you.

´╗┐Help in Balance

The one
Who seek my help
Fiercer than me
Quietly
Lend a helping hand
Care to help

Begin to a new realisation
Such a vicious cycle
An unbreakable pattern

A help cry to pay a bill
Due to overseas and reaching due date
Lending readily out of care
Promise to return it once return
I remind to pay continuous
The recipient demands its way to return

The fire inside me
Demands
Self-respect

The water inside me
Prevents
Fire from spreading like wildfire

The green nature inside me
Keeps
Water and fire in balance

The sunshine inside me
Enable
Cheerfulness despite heartache

Inspiration On: Sunday, 18 June 2016

I begin to realise about myself. I am questioning myself. Why do people tend to look down on me? Why those who ask for help speak disrespectfully to me? Yet I still care about them. After much thought, I am a people pleaser. Not just that, I also learn that Jesus is the One whom I want to please. The book about asserting myself helps me how to create a healthy boundary. I can still help others with the set aside time. Now I need to earn a living to care for my family and myself. Inside I still want to serve God. Do I overdo it, Lord? Wish you all have good days and thank you.