Pain Awakes

Awake from pain
Awake through pain
Awake in pain

To see a person’s true colours
To separate the truth from lies
To realize own mistakes

Admit own mistakes
Only to be treated as scapegoat
Others throw their mistakes onto me

Letting others control over my life
Let them go by walking away
Enable me to be in control of own emotions

Speaking up to assert myself
Speaking up to create own boundary
Speaking up to stand up for others

Living in continuum pain
Seeking God’s healing
Live to please my Lord

Inspiration On: Monday, 28 April 2014 at 4:50am
Revised On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 9:30pm

Everyday’s pain in dealing with people births out this poetry. I learn to realise of my own weaknesses and to stand up for my family and myself. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Judgmental / Poor Listeners

Assumes beforehand
Quick to judge
Quick to stereotype
Quick to finish up sentences
Quick to speak
Ear drums are filtered
Full of opinions
Overlook unexpected important heart-to-heart issues
Instantly jump into conclusions


Inspiration On: Monday, 5 September 2016

Suddenly, my ex-mentor attempts to help me. Then I begin to understand her good intention by trying to help me with her way. Then she admits her weaknesses for being judgmental. Then I admit my recent newfound strength is being a good listener. However, it can be my weaknesses as I share my cases. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Unbelievable Answered Limbo

Expecting communication skills guidance
Only to go through colour tests
Choosing the words that describe myself best
Listening to the instructions
Choosing the words in the cards describe me
Exchanging the cards not representing self with others
Return to respective seats

Coach instructs everyone
Count the most dominant colour cards
Thus I categorise and count
Arranging cards accordion to colour
Speechless with the colour card quantity
Four blue cards
Four green cards
Four yellow cards
Two red cards

Then he calls out those with most green cards
I lift up my hand
Explain green are yes people
Next he calls out the most blue cards
I lift up my hand
Explain blue are logical and negative people
The third call is the most yellow cards
I lift up my hand
Explain yellow are imaginative cheerful people
Fourth is red cards
My hand is on the table
He questions my red cards
Only two cards

Privately share my perspective of a map
Look like a flying bird to the coach
Due to I hear everybody answers America
Do I see wrongly?
Assures me
Nothing wrong with me
Due to belong to yellow card
Sudden revelation I tend to see things
In the bigger picture
An unbelievable answered limbo
The reason I don’t feel a sense of belonging

Inside my mind
Questions and wondering
What is God doing in my life?
Is God revealing about myself?
In the system training
My cell member’s questions are answered
Prepared to give her answer and informs her
Then I rush to the bathroom


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 27 April 2016

The communication workshop enables me to understand myself better. I just need to make sure the words in the cards describe me clearly. Huh? Suddenly, I’m surprised that my most cards are red, green and blue. Basically, I have four cards for each green, blue and yellow. And two red cards. I’m surprised to hear from the Lumina coach that I am well-balanced. That’s not what I want to hear. Then he forces us to choose one card out of all cards. I choose the yellow card, “my imagination leads me to no sense of reality”. However, the ideas have been executed and workable to solve the problem because I am a quiet person. So the coach separates us according to our colour choice. CMF is standing at the green whereas I stand at the yellow. However, the coach explains that I’m everywhere and well-balanced. I feel so sad to be separated from my friend. I share to the coach privately that I see American map as the bird. Hoping to understand myself. He reveals that I think of the bigger picture. I feel speechless because I can’t believe myself about myself.

In the system training and e-appraisal workshop, the person in charge explains how to use the system and welcome questions. My cell member’s question is answered. The transaction can be seen from system website seeing yesterday’s transactions.

Thank God for the courage to speak out and ask another colleague about IT and media department. She asks my experiences so I share from IT and arts background. I study in information system. However, due to my curiousity I manage to repair computer. When I ask about media department, my colleague reveals it is under marketing advertisement department. Suddenly, CMF rebukes me not to say such things unless I have a close friend in that department. That sends me an unhappy signal. Afterwards, I send message to her whether she is unhappy with me. She clarifies that she is concerned of me. In the lift, she carries my bag to see its weight. She mentions it is heavy and asks the things I bring. It is sketchbook, pencils, purse, cards, iPad and other miscellaneous stuffs.

The peace at the cell group meeting with SS, Lita, J and PL. I inform my cell member on the cut off date and viewing transaction. Glad for the peaceful clarification of declaring God’s Words to PM. Her questions are answered during continuing the Bible Study titled Spirit Soul and Body. After Josephine shares her husband and her unhappiness with her mother in law, I begin to share about Internet service provider issue and maid issue with my husband. My cell leader immediately assumes and pronounces her judgment to let my son takes shower by himself. I can sense it is pointless to explain. I feel so overpowered. In the end, I choose to shut my mouth. Because they don’t fully listen. So I just ask for prayer for the maid’s issue.

As we walk towards the carpark, my cell leader holds my left hand. My cell leader apologises that they don’t understand me well enough because we just get along since last October. Apology is accepted. It’s not the time to speak it out first. Appreciate for the cell leader’s leader gives us a lift to the nearby train station.

On my way home, suddenly I receive an email from CMF asking, “Where are you?” That causes my imagination runs wild. Do I make a mistake again? Or is she trying to clarify herself?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Stuck Again

Always stuck
Stuck in between
Stuck across schedule
Stuck in the many things

Praise God to make a way
His favour through my supervisor
Approves my request for unpaid leave
Attend morning to evening leadership course

Simultaneous events occur at night
Son is alone with the new maid
Own parents returns here
Cell group meeting

Seeking the Lord for His wisdom
Handle all these situations
Due to can’t split myself
Hunger and thirst for the right environment


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Lord, I feel stuck. Tomorrow, mum returns to here. There is a cell group too. Thank You for Your favour through Eric Tang that I can attend the leadership class. If I return home late, my son will be lonely. What should I do, Lord? Please help.

Recharge

Deplete warning signs
Growling for power consumption
Mobile devices are wailing for electricity

Rushing towards the library
Eyes scanning for power outlet
Immediately charge all mobile devices

Charging process
Quiet down to read and process three ebooks
Then realizing of self-charge

Worship song is singing in my mind
Feeling at peace
Something good out of period of waiting


Inspiration On: Thursday, 3 March 2016

Upon reaching a meeting place, I quickly inform BL that I have reached. All the three mobile devices cry for energy. All of the energy is reaching to 1% except tablet’s energy is 19%. Library is the first place appears in my head to charge them. As I recharge them, I read and finish 3 ebooks in the tablet. I am also recharged. As I look at the time, it is around 7pm so I called BL many times but to no avail. I feel frustrated and impatient. Repetively, I ask the Lord to enable me to forgive her just as He has forgiven me. In the end, she calls back around 8:30pm plus and apologizes. She can’t hear the ringtone from her mobile phone. She doesn’t realize that she accidentally cause her phone into silent mode. And doesn’t know to switch on the ringtone. I accept her apologies. Though we didn’t able to meet and get my voice recorder back, something good comes out of it. I feel so recharged.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Down To Be A Clown

Fall flat to my face
Being down in a mud
Being clown soothes
My aching heart and mind
By laughing at my stupidity
Comical thinking of extreme disparity mindset
Strength from the Lord enters deeply

Inspiration On: Monday, 29 February 2016

It begins with, “down clown” then to, “when you are down, it’s time to be a clown. Laugh at yourself.” After editing it, I see how the Lord helps me to stand him and move on.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Insult Consultant

A question about
The meaning of insult
Digs into my bad experiences

Putting others down
Is an insult
Agree with such statement

Rape women
Is an insult
Explaining and giving my perspective


Inspiration On: Friday, 19 February 2016

WC baffles me to ask respectfully whether I don’t mind to clean his apartment flat for $50. Then he asks me about insult. Raping women and putting others down is an insult. Earning money as a cleaner is an honest way and not degrading. Then I share about my business mentor. I am surprised that she ever shared her experience to work at a restaurant. He also asks me not to laugh at me. Yes is my answer. He says that he has a 3 years old hobby to collect a trail train. Inside I feel so marveled. I’m visualizing of doing video recording. Good for my stop motion video. There is an inner child in everyone who wants to come out.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.