Testimony Turn

Extreme encouragement through testimonies
So delighted in hearing the Lord’s goodness

Two testimonies speak in my heart

Being appalled in my cell leader’s life
Dealing with depression
Living in denial of her husband’s death
Minister to the depressed
Willingness to step into leadership
Believing the Lord to provide
The Lord provides

Attempting to testify on the Lord’s providence
With the right words
Before my turn
Still can’t find the right words
Until my turn
Tossing the microphone away
Only to be passed back to me
By faith I speak
Seeking God for His guidance to communicate
Forced to admit my autism
Testifying God’s strength and goodness
In every area of my weaknesses

A cell member in another cell group
Whom I ever be her advocate
Towards her cell leader
Who misunderstood her faith for missing
Cell group and church services
Due to being bullied in her workplace
Testify the Lord to hear her every prayers
That shows the Lord’s burden in my heart to be her advocate

Enter into reflection mode
What is God doing in my life?
Being a leader
Being an advocate
Being pushed to the frontline
Without realizing it
A reluctant leader who only want God
Who enjoys to be a follower attitude

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 2 January 2016

In the CG thanksgiving party, I feel so encouraged with other people’s testimonies. SS’s testimony catches my heart so much. she deals with depression due living in denial of her husband’s death that happened 5 years ago. Upon acknowledging her husband’s death, she is willing to step into leadership and let the Lord to provide the fishes. Then she helps Josephine to deal with her depression and begins the cell group for her. She is surprised by Pli’s strong commitment to open her house for the woodlands CG. Her testimony speaks into my heart. Yes! One day I need to step into leadership in my household, job and cell group too.

When it comes to my turn, I just want to pass it. But the microphone is passed to me to testify about God’s goodness for year 2015. Because I am caught unprepared and can’t find the right words. I felt so humbled to admit my autism until I begin to acknowledge it. I testify the Lord’s strength and goodness in a lot of areas of my weaknesses especially in my expressions in writing. My business mentor’s feedback that my writing and I are like two different persons. I hate to admit that I run away from home. How the Lord changes my parents’ perceptions for me to enter workforce. I can’t stand the way others look at me. Deep inside, I feel awful. LT’s eyes look teary and full of compassion. For year 2016 goals in the Lord is for His wisdom and discernments when to say no, improve my communication skills and get a job.

Jenn (who can’t make it to Mako’s door to door evangelism) testifies the Lord’s goodness to hear her every cry. Then in the middle of the night I text message Mako, “Thank God to hear Jenn’s testimony. As expected that Jenn is still trusting in the Lord and the Lord hears her every cry.”

I’m surprised of LT to announce the coming marriage encounter in April. I’m awaiting for it. SS encourages me to bring my husband. I hope he can truly be saved.

When the clock struck 3 o’clock, the party ends and I am ready to go to the airport. Unexpectedly, Mako’s husband and her are giving me a lift. Ann also takes the same car with me. As we wait for them, she talks with me. In the car, she compliments me for being smart. I feel so uplifted and being honest with her that she hasn’t seen the real me. My business mentor has seen the real me until explains to me to work first. It is due to half understand about business and my financial constraints.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Beyond

Accident phone cable pulls out
Attempting to repair and replace
Useless attempts

Beyond repair
Beyond help
Beyond understanding scope

Seek my help
God blesses the work of my hands
The phone is alive again

Respond
Handle with care
Maintain well
Take good care

That scares him off
Choosing to let me handle those
Since young I have been seeking to understand

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Inspiration On: Sunday, 13 December 2015

There are guests coming for the Cell Group Christmas party. I re-learn to welcome them again. When I am assigned as a group leader with four kids, I feel awkward. However, I learn to accept responsibility as a leader though reluctant. When it is too noisy, my ears can’t take it. It’s good they have a good time. My son is also having a good time.

SS chats with my son. He says he doesn’t like his dad. What? Do I overhear it correctly?

At night, my son is talking with his grandmother (dad’s side). I feel much happier to leave the room and drink detox tea in the kitchen. He moves his body a lot until pulling down the phone and its cable. So the communication is totally cut off. His dad scolds him for not listening and always pulling the cable. Then he attempts to repair it to no avail. The phone rings at my parents’ room. He chooses to tell my son to answer the phone than answering the phone himself. Immediately, he uses his mobile phone to call back and explain the situation.

My husband says that now he chooses to think openly. That makes him much happier. Life is short. Finally, he comes to such conclusion. Then he explains the phone cable issue. I look at it. He opens the phone cable box socket to let me see. No cables are cut off. I close the box off. Next I see the cable is pulled out. Scrutinize it closely. The red and blue is totally cut off. The cable is beyond repair. So I use the other cable for the printer fax machine as the replacement. It works perfectly. He says that he has tried it but it doesn’t work. Maybe he doesn’t plug the head deeply. Suddenly, I am reminded of my previous full time job working days. My two female employees were being bullied by the server. Whenever they switched it on, the server refused to switch on. However, when WC and/or I switched it on, it switched on out of fear. It was the joke and so true. Therefore, I joke with my husband that the cables dislike him and bully him due to his lack of understanding towards them. Then I joke more. Who ask him to bully me? That’s why the cables bully him back. He speaks out to let me handle all those. I respond to let him learn. And conclude to him, “handle with care and maintain well.” Because I remember him saying to throw rather than repair. I believe to maintain and repair.

Thanks for reading my poetry and hope this poetry minister and bless you.

So Misunderstood

Misunderstandings after misunderstandings
Many misunderstand my good intentions
Family members misunderstand me
Friend Boss misunderstand me too
My stoning due to family issue is treated as doing nothing
My behaviour and body language are
Inconsistent with
The intentions of my heart and mind

Few church friends understand me
Two ex-mentors and a pre-believer understand me
Prayers of blessing from church members
Encouragements from the body of Christ
Comfort my
My aching heart
My allegiance to my Lord and Saviour

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Inspiration On: Thursday, 3 December 2015

Suddenly, in the morning my boss/friend finally replies, “You don’t need to apologise. I think it was clear when I offered you the hourly part time was because I value your time as another start-up business owner, we understand how valuable time and resource are. So I thought it was perfect solution for both. I need someone who knows design and you need working space. For the hourly pay I am paying you I expected giving you business owners’s guidance ie how to use your design work into fashion retail and e-commerce but if what you need is hand holding then what you are asking is work for fresh graduate.” I feel so misunderstood. I want a business owner’s guidance. Why should she add the word ‘but’? Her assumptions that I am looking for a full time $4000 to $5000 pay and she can’t give it. Those two assumptions deeply hurt me. What should I do, Lord? I have done the mistakes due to family issues. How do I rectify the issue? Is it too late? Are You opening another door for me? Though I want to explain myself, it is pointless to explain. I just treat it as my focus back to media and back to fulfill my vow to the Lord.

Suddenly, the sight of a flying dove catches my attention. Is there a dove rearer in Singapore?

Since I reach an MRT station earlier, I choose to go to to the workplace advisory. The career consultant questions me. I explain the diverse freelance projects I have done. Then she manages to nail down my unique value proposition. It is to add value to the companies. Then she refers me to a job agency workshop to make my resume to look more professional. She also helps me how to speak to the interviewer. Amazing. Yes. I’m lacking in the way I speak.

I feel so happy to meet my ex-mentor named RL. Then another pre-believer friend RC. They are surprised in the way I change my wearing. It looks business-like. After we decide to eat at Soup Spoon, another ex-mentor RR joins us. She shares about her friendly mother in law. Now, she rent a flat to stay in the same block with her mother in law but different level. She is so welcomed. I feel so happy for her. Then her church friend explain the meaning of the Chinese word, “平安”. When remove the roof of the “安”, it means woman. So only one woman is in charge of the household. Rita Liu shares that she can’t stay with her mother in law. I understand. Then it is my turn to share. I laughingly share the summary of my experiences. I extremely agree that one woman needs to be in charge. The problem is I am too soft to let my in law stay together with my parents. RR understands my family condition in house purchase issue. To add the matter worse, I tend to let go of my control. Thus land me in the mess. Until I run away from home twice. They look shocked. Then they are concerned the year I run away from home. Without thinking, I say it is 2013. Then I bare my feelings that I want to run to RL’s house. However, I hesitated. After RC returns to her office, RR and RL are concerned and ask my current status. I begin to share my hesitation to go for assessment and psychologist. But I listen and go the polyclinic to ask for referral letter to see the psychologist for assessment and treatment. They want me to update them. I feel touched.

When I think back, RL has a good partner though don’t stay with in law. She only visits them with her husband once in a while. Rusyinni gets along very well with her mother in law. RC does freelance business now with her friend. Now, She is a sub programmer with her programmer friend to develop eCommerce website so she doesn’t need to meet customer. I feel so happy for them to lead a good life.

Lord, please give another opportunity to attend today missed masterclass because I miss the cell group meeting.

I’m appreciative for Josefine to meet me at a train station and lead the way to PL’s house for cell group. LT welcomes us. SS is sitting at the table. We sit on the table worshipping the Lord, read the a chapter of the book of acts then fellowship. I enjoy it and hear her clearly. She feels regretful for knowing the Lord earlier and not spending enough time with her husband before he passed away. Those words remind me of my business mentor mentioning her regret. It is not knowing the Lord before she married and to fail as a mother. Everybody shares their wish to correct their regrets. PL’s words are agreeable. Since it is impossible to turn the clock back, it is pointless to think about it. She has gone through the pain. It is enough to go through the pain once. Every different paths have their unique set of pain. Finally, my turn has come. I agree with PL and hope to finish it well. Suddenly, Shirley moves every member to pray for me. All hands are praying for me. I’m shocked for the words of prayer from her mouth. I have an obedient heart. The Lord will give me restoration. That’s the message I receive and understand.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Deep Deprivation

I want Jesus
Loving Him by loving others
Giving myself too much
Completely drained
Only to realize

Refusing to follow my dad’s footsteps
End myself in his footsteps
Who is deprived of his potential
Repetitively saying
Never hurt his mother
Willingly give me away to my childless uncle
Who chooses my four years elder sister
Thus she blames our
Unwilling mother to gave her away
Instead of finding the truth

Refusing to follow my mum’s footsteps
End myself in her footsteps
Who stands on her feet
Protecting her children from emotional abuse
Being rejected as my dad’s wife
Unwillingly submit to my dad to
Either gave my sister or me away

My mother in law
My husband
Hurls humiliation
Accusations towards
My parents
My good intentions
Taking my soft heart for granted
With her crocodile tears
My dad’s good intention to rebuke my husband
Pointing the main problem in his
Mother’s psychological mindsets
Highlight the importance to
Guide own mum from wrong paths

Even sowing seeds of discords
Between my parents and I
Found it by finding the truth
Between my son and I
Found it through his words
That she is afraid to come here
Afraid my dad will call police to catch her
Why does she has to say such words to a kid?!
Why does she has such presumptions?!

Enough is enough
Enough is enough
Lord, I feel so drained
Being pushed away and head knocks onto bedside
Shows his lack of self-restraint
I need to protect my boundary in Christ’s strength
Only want His will in my life

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Inspiration On: Monday, 30 November 2015

I feel so worse for not being able to understand other people’s simple English message. After many repetitions of explaining the same words, then I begin to understand the message. Why is it like this? During my single days, I feel much happier and my English comprehension is better. Now, my understanding level slows down. I feel so upset. Until I tell mum that dad isn’t totally correct. He feels reading books are useless. In fact, it helps my inspiration. What’s wrong with me reading books? In fact, I do too much and repeat the same mistakes. Reading books can inspire and help me to solve in the things I do. When I tell mum about my slow comprehension, my brother comes out trying to help. Then he asks whether I need them to help me to understand the message or just for me to share. I answer to share out my frustrations.

Deep inside I feel exhausted due to loving my parents too much and want to protect them and make them happy. So when dad mentioned that girls no need to study high. Girls just need to get married. Does he ever bother to care about my thoughts? All he can is to put me down. What is wrong to do creative work? Is it because he can’t get the mechanical job thus he put his opinion onto me? Most likely. Finally, I blurt out my findings one year ago. The reason wives are abused due to their parents quickly marry them off. Many parents don’t see the importance to let their grown up daughters to gain financial independence.

Deep down in my core, I feel so dampened and helpless for not being able to protect my parents financially, to let them suffer humiliation with me and lesser times with my five years son.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Fruits Of Joy

Cheerful
Leaping with joy
Easy to socialize with other children
Easily perspire
Loving to others

Fruits of my prayers for him
Manifest and brings blessings to others
Fruits of joy

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Inspiration On: Sunday, 29 November 2015

Everybody feels that my son is adorable and sociable. The autistic teacher advises me to pray for him since foetus and bring him to Sunday school. It is a spiritual food for him. I’m glad I’m doing it for him to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour. His cheerfulness makes everybody so happy. I never expect Irene to tell that I am a praying mother.

Suddenly, he buys and gives me a can of Nescafé. Strange. Where does he gets the money? After helping out to bring dessert into the function room, I can’t find him. So I ask and find him sitting with other children and their parents. I go over to bring food for him. Then I find out a surprising thing. Unexpectedly, a sister in Christ gives him $1 to let him decide who to give. Unexpectedly, he chooses to give to me. I thought he is going to give to my mother who spends a lot of time with him. I feel embar-rassed for him to eat most of the French bread without realizing it. SS feels that it is good to let him enjoy the food outside once in a while rather than forcing him to eat. I listen. When he asks for my purse to buy another can for daddy, SS tells him I didn’t bring. I feel so speechless.

It is time to go home. SS and Pamli walk together with me to the train station. I enjoy the conversation with Pamli and gets excited to hear her organizing ice skating outing. My son is so caring to the little girl whom he has been playing at the playground. He let her to sit on his lap. He is also considerate and helpful to observe I have been pushing the trolley. So he pushes the trolley for me on our way home. I feel so happy to see him treats others well. At home he is so exhausted.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Keep Me In The Dark About Myself

Behind closed doors
Parents and siblings
Discuss my mental condition worsen
Knowing my parents keep a secret

Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Prevent me from being hurt
Cause me more hurts

Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Someone points autism in me
Cause me more hurts

Choose to keep quiet
Refuses to worry my family
Struggling alone
Crying alone
My heart cry to the Lord

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 28 November 2015

I just don’t understand God. All I think is to fulfill my vow to the Lord with my own $5000. Strange to be given part time job and office space. Yes. I make mistakes in my part time job for missing out some part of the instructions. Glad for my boss to tell me not to do anything except preparing the sales order and ask Chris for inventory clarification. It’s bad to to be under depression. Now I begin to understand those who are under depression.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Loneliness Sets In

The catalyst motivator travels away
Loneliness sets in

Due to years of working alone
Too much at home
Facing against the computer and wall

Loneliness sets in
Missing my business mentor
Meeting to do our work together
Appreciate her kind help

Deep inside my heart
Loneliness sets in
Missing another friend edit my script
Brainstorming and connecting the story together

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Inspiration On: Thursday, 19 November 2015

I feel so lonely. I wish my friend / boss is around. I feel more motivated with her around. During tidying, I realize she uses her L shaped table in an opposite way. She has a neat handwriting. That means she is a clean and neat person. The office is a little messy due to her being busy. My mission is to ease her burden. I also miss my business mentor and the friend who lends her help to edit my script.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Loneliness Sets In

The catalyst motivator travels away
Loneliness sets in

Due to years of working alone
Too much at home
Facing against the computer and wall

Loneliness sets in
Missing my business mentor
Meeting to do our work together
Appreciate her kind help

Deep inside my heart
Loneliness sets in
Missing another friend edit my script
Brainstorming and connecting the story together

Inspiration On: Thursday, 19 November 2015

I feel so lonely. I wish my friend / boss is around. I feel more motivated with her around. During tidying, I realize she uses her L shaped table in an opposite way. She has a neat handwriting. That means she is a clean and neat person. The office is a little messy due to her being busy. My mission is to ease her burden. I also miss my business mentor and the friend who lends her help to edit my script.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Blessing in Accident

Who knows?
Who knows?
Your migraine can be healed
Through your fall
That strong fall to your cheekbone
Causing whole brain in great pain
Can be a blessing in disguise

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 7 November 2015

Dad says that the fall can be a good thing too. My perpetual migraine might gets well. That is my question too. I have been wondering. Is there something good comes out of my fall accident?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Expect Expert

Expect more
More expert
Are needed

More expert
Expect more
High results

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Inspiration On: Friday, 7 November 2015 at 7:32am

Passing by the slogan “expect more” inspires me to understand and fill in the blanks. Thus teach to the conclusion that more expert are necessary to reach to the needed expectations. These led me to reach a questionable conclusion. How to execute my business model to work? Experts are needed though my long term goal is to provide job opportunity for the women to bring their children to work.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.