Accuser & Spoilt

No appreciation when doing right
Awaiting me to make mistakes
Criticizing and degrading
Awful feelings worse beyond measure
Losing oneself to give too much

Just doing little things
Obstinate own greatness
Refuses to admit own mistakes
Spouting curses with own lens
Disrespecting own life partner

Inspiration On: Friday, 30 October 2015

When I ask my husband to press my hurting acupoints, he keeps on nagging me on my lifestyle to see the computer. The part-time admin job I am doing doesn’t use computer. I have been using physical strength and mind focus. Thus I lose my temper and speaks harshly to him that my chronic migraine worsens after I give birth to our son. Abruptly he seizes the opportunity to blame me to blame our son. Angrily cursing me if I’m not his wife, he doesn’t care if I die. He says that he says it out of concern. But I disbelieve him. Unexpectedly, I give the devil a foothold and am reminded the nightmare he was finding my fault as an excuse when our son was sleeping on the bed. However, his true nature is revealed. He walks towards the door. When he is going to open the room door, I push him and stop him from opening the door. I don’t want our son to be hurt. He points to me that I’m in the wrong. Then he finds fault with my mum about the card top up and his bank statement. I rebuff him that my dad has cleared the misunderstandings. So I bring his mum into the picture. He keeps on pushing for evidence. Pushing and pushing. My tone rises up with the reality. After his mum failed attempts wanting to hold the household groceries last two years, this year July he demanded to handle the household groceries. He admits it his own mindset. This remind me the coffin nightmare. This clearly reveals he doesn’t admit his mum’s instigation. He feels tired of this. Yes. It is my fault to speak harshly. So I apologize to say so and to push him. But he doesn’t admit his own fault. He feels I care for my parents, church and help others. So he insists to divorce and sell our flat. But I disagree. Inside I feel so betrayed not to listen to my parents. I show compassion to my mother in law. Only to be hurt by her. Does he knows this?! Until I angrily rebuke him. “Is his mother his wife?! Or am I his wife?!” Is my intercession for him to live and to take me away to be with Him useless? I have been feeling that I am a burden and feeling so guilty for physical and mental limitations. I really appreciate those who have been loving and helping me. Perine’s words quoting King David’s intercession for his first son with Bathseba useless so I need to stop mourning. Siti’s mother is a widow who remarried again and the quarrel stopped. Realizing the pattern from my grandparents. My grandma (dad’s side) is a widow. Is the Lord protecting me from something abusive from my husband that my dad is anticipating? Is the Lord breaking the generational curse?

Though I feel responsible of my own mistake, the Lord reveals the true nature of my own husband. No wonder I feel repressed. He is a spoilt brat who is a male chauvinist. I regret to confide in him my failings. Only to be put down. He refuses to admit his own mistakes. I thank the Lord to know he is trying to pressure me to kick my parents out of the house. He is just making an act to ask his mum to stay her hometown. If my parents are kicked out, his mum definitely came. Never in my life to meet a scheming man. Tomorrow, he brings our son out by himself. No wonder I feel so pressured and stressed to be with him. No appreciation when I do what is right. And I reject his personality in my heart completely. Our son’s pet fish was killed by him. However, he pushed the blame to our son until he cried out blameless until I need to comfort the little child.

He keeps spouting his own greatness and I don’t do anything. Making an excuse to engage an outside helper rather than lessening his burden. Always taking other couples’ examples. However, I don’t say out about my brother in law who cares for my sister and wanting to engage a helper. Buying groceries for only three months already complain. Always say he has done a lot. I buy the groceries out of responsibility. My mum lends a helping hand due to my physical limitations and migraine. In the end, I remind him that he keeps on insisting he is very smart and blur. Until he admits he is not great. Slaps a fifty dollar note onto the sofa hand to make a clean break he doesn’t care on the things I buy. He only bothers the household.

Surprisingly, the Holy Spirit helps me to calm down after the fight. As I write these down, I feel His presence comforting me. The Lord knows my heart to feel so worse. Is He going to send someone again to catch me? Just like the business mentor/partner who is a sister in Christ. All I can think is for mothers to bring children to workplace. Every mother takes turn to care the child. Looking at the photos of my happy parents from their short overseas trip makes me happy.

Wish you all have good days and thank you. 

Naive Cautious Prudent Arrogant

Being Wary of people
Often wears one down

Being cautious and prudent is good

Extreme sides of thoughts and mindsets
Being naive and arrogant
Err our judgments

Being cautious and prudent
Being naive
Being arrogant
Who do we choose to be?

Inspiration On: Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 11:32pm

Most of the times, people are full of assumptions with their own sights and hearings. However, they don’t know the whole story. Being slow in speech, people often stop me with their own conclusions. Thus they reach to the wrong conclusion. Instead of listening patiently, most people can’t stand to give their opinions. Why can’t people listens more? I tend to listen more than I speak. I find the joy to lend a pair of listening ears. When it comes to my turn to confide, everyone is eager to pout their own judgments of me and my situations. This really hurts. The recent case is my business mentor who scolds me, “leech!” That words hurt me so much. She doesn’t know much in what I have been through. Until I cry to the Lord. Surprisingly, she asked me the reason I let her got iPhone 6S under my renewed contract. So I have the opportunity to explain my appreciation of our friendship. Then she relented and replied she’ll get it under her son’s corporate plan. She upgrades her 12GB 3G old plan to 4GB 4G plan and treats it as discipline. Because she feels that I need the income more than she does. Strangely, though I am so hurt, I still care about her as the way I care my mother. I see her hurts as I see my mother’s hurts.

Feel Stupid for Being Naive

Being naive
To trust your initial words
Destroy my trusting hearts
My heart is dead
Whenever you repeat your mum’s words
Like a parrot

The way you play with my naiveness
I feel dejected whenever I remember
You seek me during courtship
Dazzle my eyes
With garland of flowers

Yet now you are different
All you care is yourself
Instead of investigating the truth
You sell yourself to lies

Living in someone’s influence
Third parties’ views are right
The fool is me for not believing them
My heart is dead
Thanks to you.

Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12:15pm

This is the third sequel to Why Do You? and If Not For Jesus poetry. Lori Carlson’s writing prompt challenge my heart and mind to birth this poetry. My heartbreak journey is stated clearly in my first poetry. The final line signify my sarcastic remarks to my blinded husband until my tears almost dry up. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

If Not For Jesus!

If not for Jesus, I would take matter into my hands!
If not for Jesus, I would leave you!
If not for my Lord, I would have commit suicide!
If not for my Lord, I would avoid you!
If not for my Saviour, I only give you one chance!
If not for my Saviour, I would lock my door!
If not for my God, I would bark!

Yet you barge into my fence of boundaries!
Yet you take me for granted!
Yet you enjoy hurting me more!
Your ACTIONS and WORDS are inconsistent!
You always beat around the bush!

What do you WANT from me?!
I feel sick of your arrogance!
You cause me to fall into the pit of depression!
You give me the joy of life
You share your faith in Jesus
You give me the hope of
“Two is better than one”
A close confidant

If not for Jesus, I would not trust you!
If not for my Lord, I would not forgive you!
If not for my Saviour, I would forsake you!
I have enough!

Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12:15pm

This is the sequel to Why Do You? poetry. You have read the previous journey of my poetry. My heart and trust are fully broken. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Daunt Flaunt Haunt Taunt

Haunted by the past
Daunted by the future
Taunted by those who know-it-all
Can’t stand those who flaunt arrogantly

Is life full of the haunted past pains?
Do future life is daunted with fear?
Why do we are taunted by others?
Who want to be flaunted?

No wonder the world is full of hurts.

Inspiration On: Friday, 29 November 2013 at 9:40pm
Inspiration Ends On: Thursday, 7 August 2014 at 1:38pm

Toni Andrukaitis’ email of concern helps me to work on my writing block. Her recent post What the heck Wednesday helps me to get up again. Flipping to my writing blocks, more inspiration comes through past experiences and my fear feelings of the future. Thank you, Toni, for your concern. Wish you all have good days and thank you.