Pain Awakes

Awake from pain
Awake through pain
Awake in pain

To see a person’s true colours
To separate the truth from lies
To realize own mistakes

Admit own mistakes
Only to be treated as scapegoat
Others throw their mistakes onto me

Letting others control over my life
Let them go by walking away
Enable me to be in control of own emotions

Speaking up to assert myself
Speaking up to create own boundary
Speaking up to stand up for others

Living in continuum pain
Seeking God’s healing
Live to please my Lord

Inspiration On: Monday, 28 April 2014 at 4:50am
Revised On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 9:30pm

Everyday’s pain in dealing with people births out this poetry. I learn to realise of my own weaknesses and to stand up for my family and myself. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

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Assert Boundary

Assert own boundary proves health to
One’s energy
One’s emotion
One’s psychological
One’s spiritual
One’s financial resources
Losing oneself

Overstretch own’s strength
Cause loss of focus
Lack of concentration
Letting the evil overpowers
Awaiting physical death
Like Elijah asked the Lord to leave the earth
Seeking restitution and wisdom from God


Inspiration On: Friday, 4 March 2016

I feel so frustrated for mum to last minute telling me that she and my brother go to Johor Bahru. She tells me to give up on my tomorrow’s intercessor prayer service. I tell her abruptly that I have written down my schedule on her calendar. Why must she does so? She shared her most recent case. She didn’t go to church for the worship singing due to realizing my son’s fever increased. Angrily I leave house to library to concentrate in my work and job search. I also pray to the Lord to stop all these obstacles. I am willing to forgive her as the Lord has forgiven me. I message to my cell leaders and members. I feel bad and grateful for them to understand my situation.

Inside I feel awful. My family members care for me with their own ways. They still claim they understand me. In fact, they don’t understand me at all. Now I can feel from the perspective of a child who wants to protect own parents. Instead of listening to God, the child chooses to listen to own parents out of too much care. In the end, own spiritual, emotional, psychological and financial resources drain drastically. This can’t protect own’s parents, son and loses myself. Henry Cloud is right to put a boundary to assert oneself. Now I remember NTH’s warning. She shared a real life case. The evil one can take advantage of God’s servant who has soft hearts. In the end, the evil one able to overpower those who follow Jesus. Suddenly, the proverbs “beat the grass and startle the snake” comes alive. Do I startle the snake? I thought I am being to direct to my mother in law to stop her from sowing discords.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Clear Resolution

Sense of relief for a protector Secure in my dad’s hands of protection
Thanking the Lord
Appreciating my dad

Sensing her to insert more guilt to me
Only think of my husband’s feelings
Solely protecting him and shift care of me
Wish to be free

Speaking up for myself
Does she ever bothers to listen to my heart?
Does she cares my insecure feelings?
Does she ever really respect me?

The one whom she cares most
Do not even appreciate her efforts at all
And even dare to chase her out of the house
Not keeping his promise

The silent one whom she cares
Cares her feelings too much
Choose to keep quiet of own opinion
To bring happiness to her

Being the silent one is
Treated like a fool
Treated useless
Taking my kindness for granted

Still I am committed to
Care my parents at old age
Now is the time to earn income
Reluctantly to enter into leadership


Inspiration On: Friday, 5 February 2016

BL recuperates from her mini heart attack; compliments my personal cv writing to apply for teacher. Then she poses a question that helps me to think through. “post sounds good but u hv not explained why you should get the job. below is too broad. pls try again. follow the ad and add into description. when must u submit? I have to focus on preparing for launch. A lot still not done … don’t think I can do much till Wed or so.” Then she suggests to meet up again and help me to find my focus. I thank the Lord and appreciate her kindness.

My mum brings my son downstairs to take school bus. The school bus boss sincerely comes to my block to seek resolution on the fetching point. However, he disbelieves his employee speaks such threats. My dad confronts, “how can a child lie?” Since he is so sincere, my dad agrees on the fetching point. Then he rebukes the driver’s words. From this, I see the truth and people’s lie towards me. I appreciate those who are direct and honest with me.

Finally, I speak up to my mum that I can’t stand those who don’t admit their mistakes and shift the blame to others. To add more to the fuel is to change the facts. Make right to look wrong. Make wrong to sound right. Then I share about my cousin Apo whose husband physically abuse her. Until now I remember such sight. I don’t want another second case of physical abuse. Then I point out that dad admits when he is in the wrong, doesn’t hit women, and honest. When she replies that my husband has good points, I abruptly explain myself. Yes! I know he has good points. I have been using his good points to comfort myself. In the end, it proves wrong. I remind her accusations, dad and my siblings against me. “Why aren’t you satisfied? You have a husband and son. Why do you still demand career?” She seems shocked. The more I explain myself. His lies and even his personality problem make me can’t stand to stay at home. Already being kind, he demands more. I have enough! Might as well I work! Then I share about my thoughts. Being kind to others without anything in return is alright. I hate it for others to demand more and bite me! I hate it when my kindness is being returned with evil!

Though I feel better to voice out about my feelings, I feel bad too to hurt her. I want her to wake up to her senses to stop her hurting words and always think all her opinions are correct. I do appreciate her kind help. Inside I feel bad to be so ruined and broken in my marriage life due to caring my parents’ feelings to get married instead of voicing out my own opinions. In the end, I lose my independence. My autism gots worse! Losing the structure. So fearful. Develop sociophobia. Psychological, mental and physical abuse occur. Diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. I can’t manage myself. Spiritually declining. Hanging onto my Lord and Saviour like a mad fellow. Crying non-stoply until my nurse friend diagnoses me with bipolar. Instead of being understood, always get scolded. This is the pain of being the only Christian in the family. The immense anguish to be a protector but failed terribly. I crave for an environment where I can truly share my heart. God hears my heart and will provide.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Threats to Assert Boundary

The more I assert myself nicely
Choose to speak to the boss
Refusing to believe the driver is the boss
Ignoring his bus horn
Threats against me are poured out

Everyone is informed
Parents are extremely concerned
Dad justifies my actions
Mum disagrees vehemently
Own husband only care of his own pocket

Lord, this is so disappointing
I feel so insecure with my own husband
No wonder I feel so tired
Please grant me a job
Bless the business idea that comes from You


Inspiration On: Thursday, 4 February 2016

The school bus driver still insists to fetch my son from another block instead of my block. I feel so upset. All my life, people take my kindness for granted. I assert my boundary and refuse to agree with their negotiation. The auntie points to me that the driver is the boss. Furthermore, I refuse to believe the driver is the boss. I have paid the bus fee and yet he tells me to walk to other blocks. Who is the paymaster? If he is me, will he like to be treated like that? Now, the ‘Confronting Jezebel’ book is getting alive. The Bible is true that, “out of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

Upon reaching home, my son informs that the driver threatens to tear my face. I never expect to bring out the best or the worst in people. My
dad and mum are concerned about it. My son asks me the reason I choose to be picked up at our block. I answer that most people take my kindness for granted and enter into my boundary. So I have enough of it and assert my boundary. Then I explain the meaning of service to the client. Such lazy attitude is wrong. When I want to talk to the school bus boss, my mum and dad don’t let me talk. She calls thrice, but no answer. At night, she calls again and speaks to the school bus boss.

During learning cooking dinner, my mum mentions to me that I need to respect child’s opinion and feelings in terms of giving unused toys away. That is enough to throw a bomb into sleeping volcano. I have been considering my son’s opinions, feelings and spiritual growth. I am concerned of his growth and worried of him getting spoilt. She feels that her way is right. I confront her for being too opinionated and always overwrite my discipline towards my son. I appreciate her help. I say that I shouldn’t have listened to get married earlier. However, she gets the wrong meaning. She feels that she is at fault and just wants to go back to her hometown. So that gives me the meaning that she wants to quickly marry me off. If I have spoken up earlier, my autism won’t get worse as now. Again I talk about the business execution and my disappointment with her behaviours. She wants to do business yet she dissuaded me to publish a book. In the end, she asks me whether I want money to do the business. “It’s not about money. It’s about support. Other family members can cooperate to support each other to do business together,” I answer. That’s enough to silence her. Then she replies, “help in what area? I’m not good in English.” Then she retaliates whether I want to be forced to learn my own mother tongue. I wish I can learn it well. Now, I need to earn money first. She can’t do marketing is her excuse unless I know someone who can do marketing. When she asks whether I know, I choose to keep quiet to keep her expectations lower. My business mentor is in my mind Though I argue with her, I still have the commitment to take care of her in her old age. Now, I need to get the job so that I can do the business to fulfill my vow to the Lord. I don’t want to disappoint God. And also a job so that I can take care of my parents. It aches my heart to see my own husband wants to kick my parents away after our son grows up. If I get a job before I accepted my husband’s proposal, I can mature faster and be more independent. And even prevent them from being treated badly. Or may not be that’s not the case. I never expect throughout this ordeal, I learn more about God and see the real truths from everybody. I ache for my son too who learns to exaggerate on certain issues. I’m surprised by his good points who knows who is in the right and wrong. I’m grateful for his gratitude and helpfulness towards my parents. Her point nor to confront small people is to protect my son from danger. I answer that I can’t stand such people anymore. That may cause the person to get worse. She gives two scenarios – either the boss is afraid of lacking employees or tell the employees off. Thank God to be reminded of my ex-boss who can manage his gangster staff and that staff pleads loyalty to the company.

My son speaks out to his dad about the school bus driver’s threats. Kids are kids. Kids don’t fully understand the situation. My husband’s words and actions disappoint and give me more insecurity. “It’s expensive to pay $70 monthly. Might as well send and fetch our son by own self.” This gives me the strongest message that I don’t need to work. Might as well he sends and fetches our son himself. Then he’ll know the feelings. Suddenly, I am visually reminded of Apo, my cousin who often go to my house confiding in my mum. Her bruised face beaten by her husband. What is happening?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Assert Reasonably

Pissed off to be the door mat
Often respect others’ boundaries
Upset towards myself
Letting others overstep into my boundaries

Speak up
Assert myself
Waking up the selfish
Letting them to be more considerate


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 3 February 2016

A staff from a learning hub calls to inform me that I make a mistake to claim from the government subsidy. I tick on the wrong tick box that state ‘to company’. I should tick the ‘individual’ section. This is so embarrassing so I quickly cancel the previous claim and submit a new claim for individual. I feel so grateful.

Barely surviving the day with my son again.

The imagination play in my head about the kindness of a baby story for my son to listen. He enjoys listening to it.

My parents return to home from overseas trip.

Glad to wake up at 7am and rush my son to take school bus I learn to speak up to assert the pickup point. Inside I feel better after I assert myself on the bus pickup point and to choose on the food that has lesser burnt parts for dinner. Does the chef ever consider on the consumer’s health issue? The burnt parts can cause large intestine cancer. My uncle often ate such burnt parts and end with large intestine cancer. So the best resolution is to avoid such food. Alternatively, slice away the burnt parts.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Always Screwed

Feel encouraged and appreciated
Receiving compliments and directness
Where to improve

Confessing to my Lord
All the hurts and pain
Betrayal feelings

Confessing to mature Christians
Seeking counsel to
Settle the dispute with those

Tend to sow discord
Making wrong to right
Right to wrong

Tired of such mental anguish from hell
Sense God’s goodness through others wish
The best for me through their acts of kindness


Inspiration On: Sunday, 31 January 2016

Looking at the time, I rush my son to eat. I got pissed off and scold him no need to go out with me. It is just a remark to rush him off. My brother shows his displeasure to leave him at home. I react and tell him off not to meddle my discipline. After I cut the meat in his bowl, he rushes into my room. So I run after him. Then he cries and asking me, “why do you always scold me?” That hurts me. I respond, “whenever I say gently, you don’t listen.” I already know that my mum always overwrite my discipline and even scold me in front of my son.

I don’t know how to say. I feel so appreciative of BL’s compliments and suggestions of my curriculum vitae. Her directness to tell me that I focus on the unimportant stuffs and to spread myself too thin. That’s what Perine Seah has been telling me. I enjoy the interaction with Tanvi whom she introduces as her researcher and even voiceover.

Another while I feel so hurt to know my mother in law and husband attempt to sow discord between my parents and I. It is due to their lack of insecurity and jealousy. I intercede for him not to be taken away. I just let God to do the judgement. I feel so tired of the struggle to intercede.

So I confess to Uncle WY, “Uncle WY, how do you handle someone who sows discord? I often comfort myself with their good points. I feel like a fool. Later on, I found out about it. I need more mature Christians who can guide me in this. Thanks.”

“May i call you tomorrow Mon 1st Feb at 12pm to pray with you how to handle those who sow discord? unc WY,” he responds.

Gratefully I respond, “Sure. Thanks a lot.”

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Truths and Hurts

Awakened to see
Everybody’s
True colours

Awakened to see and understand
Different perspectives, shoes and feelings
Sword of betrayal feelings hurts me deeply

Angst of ordeal pain
Due to being care too much
Letting everyone to cross over my boundaries

Always pointing my mistakes
Without knowing my worst feelings
Only care with their own opinions and feelings

Let God be the Judge
Learn to assert my boundaries with wisdom
Seeking God’s protection upon my boundaries


Inspiration On: Saturday, 30 January 2016

In the church service, they preach on the theme “Beyond Conflict” on how to resolve conflict in a biblical way and the examples of good points and the mistakes made between people. My heart is so hurting. At the altar call, I seek prayer to alleviate my mental stress, better manage myself and to find a job so that I can protect those whom I love. The intercessor comforts me of God’s presence in my hard times. I feel better then I fetch my son from the GKids. I feel so happy that he listens to instructions well during the community blessings. I thank the Lord for his heart.

I am shocked to realize the points I am disappointed with my husband. Dishonesty, lack of gratitude and commitment, manipulative, using my parents and ready to kick them away once our son reaches 3 years old, taking it for granted, think of himself and his own presumptions made me lose hope in my husband. Recently, he insists to let the helper to have her own way to return to her hometown instead of negotiating with her and choose to believe her excuse to return to her hometown. In the end, I have to bear the consequences of his decision. He still dares to say I don’t think for him. I have enough of his excuses. He thinks that handle maid is easy. Throughout the interaction with him, I have enough to deal with such personality who can make right to wrong and wrong to right. When my dad rebuked him gently, he regards it as bully him instead of accepting as a man’s responsibility. I heard it from our son talking to my mother in law on the phone. I have enough of this. Inside my heart, I feel so stupid to believe him. I have felt worst in my heart to let God down, let my parents down, my mistakes and failures, to cover his mistakes and to bear the consequences of his decisions. I feel so foolish to only see his good points to comfort myself. I also feel so foolish to care my mother in law’s feelings who later on backstab me from behind and using my husband. My husband fully listens to her every orders. Now, he is playing politics and attempting to take our son’s heart. Lord, I have enough of this. Now, I totally surrender my mother in law and my husband to you. I’m tired of the politics. No wonder it cause me mental stress and being torn in between. Lord, I just want to have peace of mind. Thank You, Lord, for Your divine meeting with Your committed followers. I feel so thankful for their support.

John Maxwell Leadership course definitely helps me a lot. I thank God for him and appreciate his business.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.