Pain Awakes

Awake from pain
Awake through pain
Awake in pain

To see a person’s true colours
To separate the truth from lies
To realize own mistakes

Admit own mistakes
Only to be treated as scapegoat
Others throw their mistakes onto me

Letting others control over my life
Let them go by walking away
Enable me to be in control of own emotions

Speaking up to assert myself
Speaking up to create own boundary
Speaking up to stand up for others

Living in continuum pain
Seeking God’s healing
Live to please my Lord

Inspiration On: Monday, 28 April 2014 at 4:50am
Revised On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 9:30pm

Everyday’s pain in dealing with people births out this poetry. I learn to realise of my own weaknesses and to stand up for my family and myself. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

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Unbelievable Answered Limbo

Expecting communication skills guidance
Only to go through colour tests
Choosing the words that describe myself best
Listening to the instructions
Choosing the words in the cards describe me
Exchanging the cards not representing self with others
Return to respective seats

Coach instructs everyone
Count the most dominant colour cards
Thus I categorise and count
Arranging cards accordion to colour
Speechless with the colour card quantity
Four blue cards
Four green cards
Four yellow cards
Two red cards

Then he calls out those with most green cards
I lift up my hand
Explain green are yes people
Next he calls out the most blue cards
I lift up my hand
Explain blue are logical and negative people
The third call is the most yellow cards
I lift up my hand
Explain yellow are imaginative cheerful people
Fourth is red cards
My hand is on the table
He questions my red cards
Only two cards

Privately share my perspective of a map
Look like a flying bird to the coach
Due to I hear everybody answers America
Do I see wrongly?
Assures me
Nothing wrong with me
Due to belong to yellow card
Sudden revelation I tend to see things
In the bigger picture
An unbelievable answered limbo
The reason I don’t feel a sense of belonging

Inside my mind
Questions and wondering
What is God doing in my life?
Is God revealing about myself?
In the system training
My cell member’s questions are answered
Prepared to give her answer and informs her
Then I rush to the bathroom


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 27 April 2016

The communication workshop enables me to understand myself better. I just need to make sure the words in the cards describe me clearly. Huh? Suddenly, I’m surprised that my most cards are red, green and blue. Basically, I have four cards for each green, blue and yellow. And two red cards. I’m surprised to hear from the Lumina coach that I am well-balanced. That’s not what I want to hear. Then he forces us to choose one card out of all cards. I choose the yellow card, “my imagination leads me to no sense of reality”. However, the ideas have been executed and workable to solve the problem because I am a quiet person. So the coach separates us according to our colour choice. CMF is standing at the green whereas I stand at the yellow. However, the coach explains that I’m everywhere and well-balanced. I feel so sad to be separated from my friend. I share to the coach privately that I see American map as the bird. Hoping to understand myself. He reveals that I think of the bigger picture. I feel speechless because I can’t believe myself about myself.

In the system training and e-appraisal workshop, the person in charge explains how to use the system and welcome questions. My cell member’s question is answered. The transaction can be seen from system website seeing yesterday’s transactions.

Thank God for the courage to speak out and ask another colleague about IT and media department. She asks my experiences so I share from IT and arts background. I study in information system. However, due to my curiousity I manage to repair computer. When I ask about media department, my colleague reveals it is under marketing advertisement department. Suddenly, CMF rebukes me not to say such things unless I have a close friend in that department. That sends me an unhappy signal. Afterwards, I send message to her whether she is unhappy with me. She clarifies that she is concerned of me. In the lift, she carries my bag to see its weight. She mentions it is heavy and asks the things I bring. It is sketchbook, pencils, purse, cards, iPad and other miscellaneous stuffs.

The peace at the cell group meeting with SS, Lita, J and PL. I inform my cell member on the cut off date and viewing transaction. Glad for the peaceful clarification of declaring God’s Words to PM. Her questions are answered during continuing the Bible Study titled Spirit Soul and Body. After Josephine shares her husband and her unhappiness with her mother in law, I begin to share about Internet service provider issue and maid issue with my husband. My cell leader immediately assumes and pronounces her judgment to let my son takes shower by himself. I can sense it is pointless to explain. I feel so overpowered. In the end, I choose to shut my mouth. Because they don’t fully listen. So I just ask for prayer for the maid’s issue.

As we walk towards the carpark, my cell leader holds my left hand. My cell leader apologises that they don’t understand me well enough because we just get along since last October. Apology is accepted. It’s not the time to speak it out first. Appreciate for the cell leader’s leader gives us a lift to the nearby train station.

On my way home, suddenly I receive an email from CMF asking, “Where are you?” That causes my imagination runs wild. Do I make a mistake again? Or is she trying to clarify herself?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Always Screwed

Feel encouraged and appreciated
Receiving compliments and directness
Where to improve

Confessing to my Lord
All the hurts and pain
Betrayal feelings

Confessing to mature Christians
Seeking counsel to
Settle the dispute with those

Tend to sow discord
Making wrong to right
Right to wrong

Tired of such mental anguish from hell
Sense God’s goodness through others wish
The best for me through their acts of kindness


Inspiration On: Sunday, 31 January 2016

Looking at the time, I rush my son to eat. I got pissed off and scold him no need to go out with me. It is just a remark to rush him off. My brother shows his displeasure to leave him at home. I react and tell him off not to meddle my discipline. After I cut the meat in his bowl, he rushes into my room. So I run after him. Then he cries and asking me, “why do you always scold me?” That hurts me. I respond, “whenever I say gently, you don’t listen.” I already know that my mum always overwrite my discipline and even scold me in front of my son.

I don’t know how to say. I feel so appreciative of BL’s compliments and suggestions of my curriculum vitae. Her directness to tell me that I focus on the unimportant stuffs and to spread myself too thin. That’s what Perine Seah has been telling me. I enjoy the interaction with Tanvi whom she introduces as her researcher and even voiceover.

Another while I feel so hurt to know my mother in law and husband attempt to sow discord between my parents and I. It is due to their lack of insecurity and jealousy. I intercede for him not to be taken away. I just let God to do the judgement. I feel so tired of the struggle to intercede.

So I confess to Uncle WY, “Uncle WY, how do you handle someone who sows discord? I often comfort myself with their good points. I feel like a fool. Later on, I found out about it. I need more mature Christians who can guide me in this. Thanks.”

“May i call you tomorrow Mon 1st Feb at 12pm to pray with you how to handle those who sow discord? unc WY,” he responds.

Gratefully I respond, “Sure. Thanks a lot.”

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Truths and Hurts

Awakened to see
Everybody’s
True colours

Awakened to see and understand
Different perspectives, shoes and feelings
Sword of betrayal feelings hurts me deeply

Angst of ordeal pain
Due to being care too much
Letting everyone to cross over my boundaries

Always pointing my mistakes
Without knowing my worst feelings
Only care with their own opinions and feelings

Let God be the Judge
Learn to assert my boundaries with wisdom
Seeking God’s protection upon my boundaries


Inspiration On: Saturday, 30 January 2016

In the church service, they preach on the theme “Beyond Conflict” on how to resolve conflict in a biblical way and the examples of good points and the mistakes made between people. My heart is so hurting. At the altar call, I seek prayer to alleviate my mental stress, better manage myself and to find a job so that I can protect those whom I love. The intercessor comforts me of God’s presence in my hard times. I feel better then I fetch my son from the GKids. I feel so happy that he listens to instructions well during the community blessings. I thank the Lord for his heart.

I am shocked to realize the points I am disappointed with my husband. Dishonesty, lack of gratitude and commitment, manipulative, using my parents and ready to kick them away once our son reaches 3 years old, taking it for granted, think of himself and his own presumptions made me lose hope in my husband. Recently, he insists to let the helper to have her own way to return to her hometown instead of negotiating with her and choose to believe her excuse to return to her hometown. In the end, I have to bear the consequences of his decision. He still dares to say I don’t think for him. I have enough of his excuses. He thinks that handle maid is easy. Throughout the interaction with him, I have enough to deal with such personality who can make right to wrong and wrong to right. When my dad rebuked him gently, he regards it as bully him instead of accepting as a man’s responsibility. I heard it from our son talking to my mother in law on the phone. I have enough of this. Inside my heart, I feel so stupid to believe him. I have felt worst in my heart to let God down, let my parents down, my mistakes and failures, to cover his mistakes and to bear the consequences of his decisions. I feel so foolish to only see his good points to comfort myself. I also feel so foolish to care my mother in law’s feelings who later on backstab me from behind and using my husband. My husband fully listens to her every orders. Now, he is playing politics and attempting to take our son’s heart. Lord, I have enough of this. Now, I totally surrender my mother in law and my husband to you. I’m tired of the politics. No wonder it cause me mental stress and being torn in between. Lord, I just want to have peace of mind. Thank You, Lord, for Your divine meeting with Your committed followers. I feel so thankful for their support.

John Maxwell Leadership course definitely helps me a lot. I thank God for him and appreciate his business.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

How people with autism see the world: Gaze of those with the condition bypasses faces to see details such as colour and contrast

This article How people with autism see the world: Gaze of those with the condition bypasses faces to see details such as colour and contrast makes me understand myself better. I love colour and contrast and I depend more on sound compared to faces.

I appreciate my parents to help me during childhood. It doesn’t mean to let them overrule my life choices. I thank the Lord to cross path with a sister in Christ who shares about her past and God’s loving kindness to be upon her. The problem is I care too much of their opinions in me. Thus causes my own misery.

Dull to Colourful

Black
White
Gray
Clothing fascinates me

During pregnancy
Colour taste change
Incline to bright colours
Tongue taste also change
Able to drink milo

Such a stark change
Ending enjoying
Bright colours
Especially pink
Pink colour.


Inspiration On: Saturday, 18 May 2013 from 2:44am to 2:48am

This is the transition of my colour taste.