Compassion and Trust

As the Lord cares for me so I
Care about others too much
No return is expected
Being open about my weaknesses

Immense disappointment!
I am utterly disappointed with those
Return with wickedness
Desiring to harm and manipulate me

Thwarted plans!
Eating their own words
Fall into their own traps
Refuse to admit and change their words to make themselves good

Get out of my paths!
May the Lord be the Judge!
Weary of such acts
Seeking the Lord’s peace and deliverance

Being myself
Getting myself back
Preferring with those open to their weakness
And those fully committed in the Lord

Inspiration On: Saturday, 6 February 2016

Today’s sermon is about beyond compassion where God’s biases is towards the poor and to judge righteously. I thank the Lord for His validation on my belief values. The poor shouldn’t think that it is right to receive and receive. The rich shouldn’t think that it’s all mine. God wants to see the poor’s attitude that it is God who provides. And God wants to see the rich’s recognize God is the One who blesses them with riches. So my pride in having giving attitude is acceptable and pleasing in God’s sight. SS’s words echo in my head, “take care of yourself first.” She means I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of others. Hey! That’s what I say to others but I forget to take care of myself. Now, I am learning to do so. Mum is upset for me to be too giving. I am shocked that I speak up for those who can’t speak up for themselves regardless of their status – poor or rich. I unexpectedly defend others behind their back and feel bad to say others’ negativeness. It is important to judge righteously. The Lord shows me that not all poor people are hard working and not all rich are proud. I really thank the Lord to bless me with committed Christians. I feel so grateful of God. He is ahead of me. During the prayer, I pray for His guidance in my life.

On the way home, I confront my son whether my mother in law says about me. He replies that he doesn’t know. Then he says that he never lies. However, I react that he can even lie to get what he wants by using my name. Still he insist that he never lie. Then I share I have been doing my best to find others so that I can bring him to work. And I question him, “yet you can even lie to me.” Upon reaching home, I share to my parents. My mum mentions that my husband’s mother doesn’t dare to talk about me to my son. Because of afraid my son tells me. Probably she talks badly of me towards my husband. I feel bad to suspect my son’s honesty and good intention. Now, I begin to see the clearer picture. No wonder the day my husband cursed me and labeled me badly can show his mother’s false accusations about me. After my dad’s rebuke, he stops his mouth. However, I don’t know what is in his mind. I am so fearful of being pushed again. Now I begin to understand the reason I feel so drained. Caring him and his mother too much. Then they betray me and take my kindness for granted! Treating me like a fool! How can I trust them again?!

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Clear Resolution

Sense of relief for a protector Secure in my dad’s hands of protection
Thanking the Lord
Appreciating my dad

Sensing her to insert more guilt to me
Only think of my husband’s feelings
Solely protecting him and shift care of me
Wish to be free

Speaking up for myself
Does she ever bothers to listen to my heart?
Does she cares my insecure feelings?
Does she ever really respect me?

The one whom she cares most
Do not even appreciate her efforts at all
And even dare to chase her out of the house
Not keeping his promise

The silent one whom she cares
Cares her feelings too much
Choose to keep quiet of own opinion
To bring happiness to her

Being the silent one is
Treated like a fool
Treated useless
Taking my kindness for granted

Still I am committed to
Care my parents at old age
Now is the time to earn income
Reluctantly to enter into leadership

Inspiration On: Friday, 5 February 2016

BL recuperates from her mini heart attack; compliments my personal cv writing to apply for teacher. Then she poses a question that helps me to think through. “post sounds good but u hv not explained why you should get the job. below is too broad. pls try again. follow the ad and add into description. when must u submit? I have to focus on preparing for launch. A lot still not done … don’t think I can do much till Wed or so.” Then she suggests to meet up again and help me to find my focus. I thank the Lord and appreciate her kindness.

My mum brings my son downstairs to take school bus. The school bus boss sincerely comes to my block to seek resolution on the fetching point. However, he disbelieves his employee speaks such threats. My dad confronts, “how can a child lie?” Since he is so sincere, my dad agrees on the fetching point. Then he rebukes the driver’s words. From this, I see the truth and people’s lie towards me. I appreciate those who are direct and honest with me.

Finally, I speak up to my mum that I can’t stand those who don’t admit their mistakes and shift the blame to others. To add more to the fuel is to change the facts. Make right to look wrong. Make wrong to sound right. Then I share about my cousin Apo whose husband physically abuse her. Until now I remember such sight. I don’t want another second case of physical abuse. Then I point out that dad admits when he is in the wrong, doesn’t hit women, and honest. When she replies that my husband has good points, I abruptly explain myself. Yes! I know he has good points. I have been using his good points to comfort myself. In the end, it proves wrong. I remind her accusations, dad and my siblings against me. “Why aren’t you satisfied? You have a husband and son. Why do you still demand career?” She seems shocked. The more I explain myself. His lies and even his personality problem make me can’t stand to stay at home. Already being kind, he demands more. I have enough! Might as well I work! Then I share about my thoughts. Being kind to others without anything in return is alright. I hate it for others to demand more and bite me! I hate it when my kindness is being returned with evil!

Though I feel better to voice out about my feelings, I feel bad too to hurt her. I want her to wake up to her senses to stop her hurting words and always think all her opinions are correct. I do appreciate her kind help. Inside I feel bad to be so ruined and broken in my marriage life due to caring my parents’ feelings to get married instead of voicing out my own opinions. In the end, I lose my independence. My autism gots worse! Losing the structure. So fearful. Develop sociophobia. Psychological, mental and physical abuse occur. Diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. I can’t manage myself. Spiritually declining. Hanging onto my Lord and Saviour like a mad fellow. Crying non-stoply until my nurse friend diagnoses me with bipolar. Instead of being understood, always get scolded. This is the pain of being the only Christian in the family. The immense anguish to be a protector but failed terribly. I crave for an environment where I can truly share my heart. God hears my heart and will provide.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.