Keep Me In The Dark About Myself

Behind closed doors
Parents and siblings
Discuss my mental condition worsen
Knowing my parents keep a secret

Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Prevent me from being hurt
Cause me more hurts

Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Someone points autism in me
Cause me more hurts

Choose to keep quiet
Refuses to worry my family
Struggling alone
Crying alone
My heart cry to the Lord

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 28 November 2015

I just don’t understand God. All I think is to fulfill my vow to the Lord with my own $5000. Strange to be given part time job and office space. Yes. I make mistakes in my part time job for missing out some part of the instructions. Glad for my boss to tell me not to do anything except preparing the sales order and ask Chris for inventory clarification. It’s bad to to be under depression. Now I begin to understand those who are under depression.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Recent Memories

Recent Memories erupts
Recent memories hurts much
A child’s cry etched deeply

“Not me!”
“Not me!”
“I’m not the one who kills the fish!”

“Not me!”
“Not me!”
“I’m not the one who kills the fish!”

“Daddy is the one who reduced the water!”
“I don’t kill the fish!”
“Not me!”

Out of fear
Of my husband’s false accusation to occur
I comfort him
Hugging him
I’ve seen the truth
The one who lays hands on his pet fish is
His dad
Can sense my son calms down
The Lord hears his cries

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Inspiration On: Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 9:25pm

Strangely, I am reminded of the dream where my husband walks towards the coffin and stands besides it. However, the fear inside me is almost gone. Is God answering my prayer to take my life away after I fulfill my vow instead of Lih Shien? Why would God’s message spoke to me during my friend’s mother’s funeral wake keeps echoing? “Those who wants to die, can’t die. However, those who don’t want to die, will die.”

Crying Out

Here I am
Crying out to
Express 
Myself 
With the right words
With the right vocabularies

Scritch!
Scratch!
Scribbling!
On the paper

Scritch!
Scratch!
Click erase!
On the word document

Oh, Lord! 
Please help me!

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Inspiration On: Tuesday, 9 September 2014 at 2:02pm to 2:05pm

When I need to write an email to ask for questions in a software, I am struggling to express myself with the right words. In the previous email, the responder didn’t seem to understand my questions. Living such life is stressful for me though I still persist. This often happen to me and I re-correct the words once or twice then I receive the answer. Hope this time works. Finally, it works. Wishing you all good days and thank you.

Arid Wilderness

Living in the couch
Nothing in the nothingness
Arid wilderness is scorching
Scorching the love within
Resulting
Desert and dry hearts
Empty hearts
Craving and Wailing for love

---

Inspiration On: Sunday, 22 December 2013 at 11:25pm
Inspiration Ends On: Monday, 21 April 2014 at 3:22am

This poetry began with the picture of wilderness birthing three lines of words. After referring to it again, more inspirations flowed out birthing out the final epic of the hurting people. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Heartache

Gripped with emotions
Mind goes blank
Crippled with a strong waves of hurts
Waves of hurting words
Envelops and squeeze my heart
Heart aches
Tears drip uncontrollably
Hiding in a corner
Hurting my integrity

---

Inspiration On: Tuesday, 24 September 3013 at 10:02am to 10:08am
Based On: Monday, 23 September 2013 between 10pm to 11:30pm

Arguments occurred between my brother and mother then she with me regarding air ticket printing for my cousin. My mothers’ relatives often take her for granted. Whenever there is problem, she is always asked for help. But they didn’t look for her when there is no problem. I have been wondering why do people take my family for granted? My brother is pissed off. Every time the ticket printing is passed to me last minute. It didn’t mean my printer always have ink. My dad intercepted our arguments. Even shoot remarks that we would leave them alone when they reach old age. That hurts me a lot because I have set in my heart to take care of my parents till death do us part. No matter what arguments, my decision to care them is final. My heart and mind hurts a lot for my dad’s words who is stoistic of his own opinion and presumption.

Switching off the light, but switch on the night light preventing my son from seeing my cry and kissed him goodnight. My husband had slept. In the middle of the night, my mother opened my room door and comforted me to just brush dad’s words aside. After back home from work and shower, I felt sleepy. But after the quarrel, I couldn’t sleep until 2am midnight and crying to my Lord and Saviour.

Motherhood

LOUD
STRONG
WAIL
Project out of the delivery room

A baby is born
His first cry
Enter my ears
Cuddle him
Provides warmth

Life with baby seems rough
Giving him full attention
Stay with him while he cries
Connect us with
Love
Affection
Understanding

The more I care him
The more he calms down with my presence
The more he communicates calmly
Though not all the time

---

Inspiration On: Thursday, 13 June 2013 at 2:18am
Inspiration Ends On: Friday, 14 June 2013 at 11:37pm

Upon reaching motherhood phase of life, I search through books and attempt to apply it. Some methods are successful, but some methods are not applicable. So I’m still learning and agree with some of the theories.

Happy or Sad Half Moon

Turn my head up
Half moon laughs at me
Half moon is happy with me.
Move my body the other way
Half moon cries to me
Half moon looks sad to me.

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Inspiration On: Friday, 22 March 2013 at 9:12pm

While my husband and I were bringing our son out to the mall, I turned my head to see the sky. It was half moon and the birthed out the above poetry.

Toddler’s Impulse

Shining!

Glittering! Hmm . . .
What is that?
Seems interesting.

Ups!
I can’t move
I want to go there
Waaaaaaah!
Hurray, she let go of me!

Oh no!
She stops me
I want to touch that thingWaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaah!
She wouldn’t let go.
Useless crying.

Aha! Nobody is watching.
Now, I need to be fast.
Moving a hand to my behind
Swift and sudden grab of spectacle
Bang it onto the floor!
It sounds light.
* SLAP! *

SNATCH!
Grabbing heavy toys
Bam it onto the floor!
Aha, a hard sound.
Fun!

SNATCH!
Grabbing a ceramic cup
Bang it onto the floor!
WHAT? It shatters!
* SLAP! *

Oh, my buttock!
Oh, my thigh!
Oh, my palms!

* GRIN *
Shaun the Sheep
Let me try . . .
To jump from mommy’s bed.
Here I jump!
* BONK! BUMP! *
Wuh! Wuh! Wuhooohooohooo!
My ear and head are so painful.

---

Inspiration On: Saturday, 24 November 2012 at 2:07am
Inspiration Ends On: Sunday, 25 November 2012 at 4:16pm

Please Refer to Trusting Toddler Completely.

Before I fell asleep, scenes of my baby’s thinking and mindset had been playing in my head for the first four paragraphs. I remember the scenes while he was a baby. Taking everyone’s spectacle and bang it. At night, the fifth paragraph returned to my memory. Next morning, the sixth paragraph suddenly knocks at my head. Finally, the seventh and eight paragraph came as I think back of trusting him completely to sit on my bed.

I am trying to put myself in my toddler’s shoes and understand his mindset.

跌到床垫Fall onto Mattress

不可以把吃跌到床垫 如果跌到床垫上，这么伴呢？ 蚂蚁会 爸爸和妈妈。 你要不要？ 不要 不要蚂蚁搬走爸爸 不要蚂蚁搬走妈妈 我会哭 我会哭 以 哭 哭。

Do not let your food fall onto my mattress. What will happen if you drop your food onto my mattress? The ants will move your daddy and mummy. Do you want such thing to happen? Do you? No I do not want the ants to move my daddy I do not want the ants to move my mother I will cry I will cry Always crying Crying alone.

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Inspiration On: Monday, 19 November 2012 at 8:45pm
Inspiration Ends On: Tuesday, 20 November 2012 at 11:39am
Revised On: Wednesday, 21 November 2012 at 1:50pm

My conversation with my toddler upon giving slices of apple to him who was sitting on my bed watching his beloved “Winnie the Pooh” cartoon. His words sounded poetic so I write it down and revised it a bit. The next day, the English version came.

Play on Cot

Stick out legs
Pull in legs
Out of the cot bars

Stick out legs
Pull in legs
Out of the cot bars
Seems fun

On his cot
Stick out legs
Pull in legs
Out of the cot bars

But . . .
Now . . .
Suddenly . . .

Escalating cry
Crying to wail
Moaning in pain
Seeking for help

Oh, thigh is stuck
Stuck between bars
Bars of his cot!

Apply lotion to the area of his
His thigh, knee, and calf.
My helper helps out
Helps me to pull him
While I push in.

Praise the Lord that
I thank God that
That my baby is fine
Though reddish left thigh.

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Inspiration On: Monday, 8 October 2012 at 1:54pm

My toddler enjoys sticking out his legs out of the cot bar. Then he pulls back. While he was drinking milk, I cleared my spouse’s documents on the tray. Suddenly, he cried turned to wail in pain. To find out, his thigh was stuck between the bars with his knee stopping him from pulling in. My helper and I tried to help him. Using baby lotion to apply from his thigh to his legs then I informed my helper to go to the other side to pull him with me pushing his thigh. Thank God that his leg could return to his cot. And he mentioned that he did not dare to do so anymore.