Let Go

Cell leader shares
Her struggles to let go her husband
Who was in sickness beyond measure

Struggle with God
Regarding my husband
Stops

Let go
And
Let God

All struggle ends
Time to rise up from denial
Embrace the truth


Inspiration On: Saturday, 13 February 2016

When I am at LT’s house for Lohei, cell leader shares her about her husband who passed away. The doctor mentioned that his sickness was beyond cure, she was still holding onto him. In the end, she learns to let go and let God makes the decision. Next day, he passed away and with the Lord. She feels depressed. I keep quiet and feel speechless. I also let God make the decision. My struggle reaches to the end.

Then it is the turn to visit my house and I need to lead the way. In the MRT, cell leader explains the importance for my son to learn to let go of the umbrella. She doesn’t ask the happenings in my son’s life when he was 3 years and 4 years old. She thinks lightly of it. I feel speechless of humans to really sit down and listen rather than giving advises non-stoply. I appreciate my husband to prepare five pieces of Hong Bao with $8 in each. My cell member Jy reaches my house first due to her children need the toilet. She shares that he smiles during his talk. That’s good. However, I already know his true colours. So I keep quiet. He goes out to have lunch. All children play with Huey happily. Suddenly, Jy personally asks me how I meet my husband. Embarrassingly, I admit it is my home church friends who matchmake. I don’t want to go for the matchmake session. I admit that I go for it to make my mum happy. Then she asks whether he gives money to my parents. Ashamedly, I admit he doesn’t give. I’m the one who gives whenever there is job. The house first payment I come out the money besides of him. After married, he has been paying for it. Everybody is leaving soon. Suddenly, my room door is locked. After I investigate the matter, Huey locks my room door.

Then we rush to my cell leader’s house with taxi. I sit in the same taxi with LT and IL. Irene explains the need for me to immediately strikes the iron while it is hot. It is the importance to speak to my son about locking my room door and let him reflect on his behaviour. It helps for him to write it in a reflection book so that he can keep tracks of it. She has a point. The taxi reaches cell leader’s house. LT pays for the taxi fare when I want to pay my share. I feel uncomfortable about it.

Upon returning home, my parents give me a share of their food. I feel so grateful. I find out that my mum’s opinion is not listened by my husband in caring our son in his slight fever. She means that my son shouldn’t take shower, just wipe body. However, my husband gives him shower. My mum cooks porridge for him. She purposely advises him to eat it for dinner and let my husband hears. My husband goes out and buys noodle from food court. This is too much. Does he cares our son’s well being?! This saddens her. There is a sudden idea to tell my mum to speak the opposite way in order to make my husband to do the way that is according to our son’s well-being. I know that she cares my son’s well-being. I know my husband well that he tends to purposely do the other way in order to get back at her. This is too much. Nobody in the cell knows this. I feel ashamed of his doings. At night, mum advises me not to let my son shower. Then he comes out of the room and says the same thing. I also choose not to let my son to take shower. I prepare his medication. My husband speaks as if he is a know it all. This is so saddening. Suddenly, he says that he is going to dentist to repair his tooth tomorrow.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Crying Autistic

Living in denial
Hating my existence
Unable to accept
The truth and fact
Deep inside me

Autism is the
Label given to me
Coming from my family members
Many time I deny it
Only to surrender and learn to
Embrace autism in my life

Knowing the angst of my pain
But I choose to smile to others
Showing the brighter side of my true self
Wishing to cheers the broken-hearted
Yet others tend to
Break my heart
And
Take advantage
Of my kindness
Only to land myself
Vulnerable
Miserable
Feeling the awful pangs of hurt
From all the
Pre-judgements

When my world is closing
You come into my life with your own agenda
Soothing words to uplift me
Then you hurt me four times
Pushing me forward three step backs
Then pull me backward four step backs
Why are you playing with my innocence?!
Why are you entering into my world?
Giving me FALSE hopes
Only to DASH it!
Enough of your mental game!
Stop!
My Lord sees it and warns me of your cunningness
To PREVENT me from further hurt!
This IS the FENCE of my BOUNDARIES!


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 21 April 2015 at 12am

These are the summary of my experiences birthed in poetry. I thank my Lord and Saviour for the right words to SHOUT it out. Wish you all have good days and thank you.