Inner Reality

Courage enters to speak to the psychologist
He questions my relationship with my husband
Insecure word sum it all
Instead of speaking up he pushed me
Throughout interaction
Psychologist verbally diagnoses mild autism
Only communication

Determined to find out the truth
Self understanding to self management
Own mother disbelieves autism in me
Denying the autism fact in me
Speak about cell member’s disbelief
Report confirms her child’s dyslexia issue
Being in denial and speechless

Inspiration On: Friday, 26 February 2016

After meeting the psychologist, I inform my business mentor, “Today I had met the doctor. Throughout the consultation, he mentioned that I have mild autism in communication. He chooses not to write it down so that I can find a job. If want to do the test, it is a lot of test.”

“You need to do the test regardless. The government job program for autistic people requires every person to be categorized. Communication is the most important trait. I disagree with the doctor not to be truthful and honest about your condition. We need to be upfront and open in the job market. Your own experiences have proven that even you got the job as the employers had no idea of your condition they were not able to be accommodate your shortcomings and thought you could not perform. You seek the Lord yourself if you want to live an honest life. By not revealing (means deceiving), you may get a job but you may not able to keep the job.”

I am reminded of the next meeting for autism test, “The next appointment is on 29 March at 1:30pm. That is what I forget to tell you. Just now, the doctor asks my mum during my younger days.”

“What you forgot?” She questions.

Oh no! I need to clarify further, “I forgot to tell you on the next appointment to do the test.”

“It is not about the next appointment as much about what you think should be done especially if the doctor is doing the right thing. What did your mum say about your younger days,” she explains further and wonders.

The more I explain, “Slower than others. However, colouring is best. That’s feedback from my teacher to my mum. Good rapport with the teachers during the parents teachers meeting. They also find me slower.”

“And what’s the response(s) of the doctor?” she wonders.

So I reply based on my visual memory, “He writes it down. She also reveals that normally I don’t talk much about people. She admits that she got food poisoning during her 8 months pregnancy. My thoughts and actions are faster than my words. One year plus I can talk.”

“Nothing to do with you. You must pray for her to be released from this guilt. It is God who created you,” an unexpected response from her.

I am relieved of her bad impression towards my mum and answers, “Yes.”

“I meant it is not her fault. And not because of the food poisoning that she blamed herself for your condition.” is her conclusion.

The more I feel relieved and respond, “I don’t blame her. So I want to do my best. She has done her best during my younger days.”

“And she is not to be blamed.” she ends.

I inform her, “She seems to be in denial about my autism.” It reminds myself of realizing my autism. Now, I want to embrace it to understand and manage myself better. So that I can protect her and dad then help my son and others.

“Keep praying for your parents to come to encounter and know God.” she replies. Glad. Or else she’ll be blaming my mum.

I wonder whether Elsa from Frozen is an autistic. Nowadays, I crave a space to let go of my feelings through acting, dancing, drawing, writing, animation, and even musical instruments (piano).

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Face Reality

Reality strikes hard
Difficulty accepting the truth
Live in denial

Christ receives me back
Recovering my heartbrokenness and mentality
Bringing healing

His strength enters deep into the core
Standing up to face realities
Embracing the truth

Learn to self-understanding
Understand own son and others
Before helping others

Inspiration On: Thursday, 25 February 2016

I’m baffled to be so moved to register for the dyslexia course at a book council. Then today I found out that my cell member’s daughter dyslexia diagnosis is very high. She was so upset for her daughter to go for the test. Instead, the Lord enables me to get over the depression and to face it. Tomorrow, I am going for the autism self-assessment test.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Favour in Unfavourable Situations

Guidance in
Caring my son
Cooking food
Resume writing

Through my parents and the people
The Lord has put in my lives
My heart is filled with gratitude
Towards my Lord Jesus and the people

Courage enters into my heart
Humble myself
Willingly admit my son’s condition
Seeking help on his behalf

Inspiration On: Thursday, 18 February 2016

Thank God and appreciate my mum to wake my son up with me and send him for school bus. She guides me in cooking methods and instructs me to buy collimix for my son to have better appetite. I listen and buy it for my son’s sake. Indeed, he feels better and has the appetite to eat his food after he wakes up. She explains the need of antibiotics to heal my son’s fever.

Amazing courage from the Lord to admit and confess to my cell group that my son has dyslexia. Oh no! I need to bring him to psychologist for assessment. It hurts me whenever I think of answering the dyslexia app questions. Lord, please give me confirmation from his school teacher.

FX (career coach) has edited the soft copy of my resume in a better layout. However, the downloaded edited resume (with the layout she does) words space disappear. Then the idea comes to open the resume I sent her and edit according to the part she edits. Thank God for her to have such ideas.

Thank God to answer my prayer and my cell members pray for His favour for a good general practitioner doctor. He explains the importance and good points of antibiotics to my husband. It is just to be taken for five days. Virus is likened to a lion whereas bacteria is like the running dog. Many doctors forget its benefits. That’s enough to shut his one-sided biases.

The “draw it out” words on the recent dragon dream keep echoing. Lord, should I draw it out? I take a heavy illustrated poems to read to my son. He answers that it is meant for him when he is bigger. So I ask which character he likes most. He points to an awful dragon illustration. I am shocked. How can there be a coincidence? Strangely, I am reminded of the article that autistic and dyslexia prove to be good combination. Oh no! Oh no! What should I do, Lord?

The resume that I need to send to education ministry has been completed and the time is up for me to send to education ministry. So I have to shower, take dinner and bring my son to see the doctor for complete healing. Why is this always happening, Lord? Why is sending resume for jobs are always being disturbed?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.