In Between

Whole body loses strength
Brain dozes off
In Between
Dream and reality
Unable to rise my body
Locked in the dream state

A last message remained in the dream
Once the whole message is
Consciousness regains
Eyes open wide
No strength and energy to move body
Awaiting time to regain strength

Living in between dream and reality
Dream or spiritual realm?
Reality or physical realm?
Living in between spiritual and physical world

Inspiration On: Saturday, 1 November 2015 at 5:30pm

While I sit on the sofa awaiting for my son going to shower, my brain doze off. My heart pumps harder. Body loses strength and eyes can’t open. I hears voices from the reality. My son calls me to sleep on bed. A postman. At the same time, I am in the dream. The house is calmly dark. I go to the kitchen where my husband talks to me. He says that he is flying to his hometown in November. I keep quiet. Only to wake up with body and hands losing strength. Migraine relapse worsens. Heart pumps faster. I feel there is a discrepancy between the month my husband goes to Sabah. The air ticket he booked is in December. Is it a death message? Normally, I don’t take nap. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Accuser & Spoilt

No appreciation when doing right
Awaiting me to make mistakes
Criticizing and degrading
Awful feelings worse beyond measure
Losing oneself to give too much

Just doing little things
Obstinate own greatness
Refuses to admit own mistakes
Spouting curses with own lens
Disrespecting own life partner

Inspiration On: Friday, 30 October 2015

When I ask my husband to press my hurting acupoints, he keeps on nagging me on my lifestyle to see the computer. The part-time admin job I am doing doesn’t use computer. I have been using physical strength and mind focus. Thus I lose my temper and speaks harshly to him that my chronic migraine worsens after I give birth to our son. Abruptly he seizes the opportunity to blame me to blame our son. Angrily cursing me if I’m not his wife, he doesn’t care if I die. He says that he says it out of concern. But I disbelieve him. Unexpectedly, I give the devil a foothold and am reminded the nightmare he was finding my fault as an excuse when our son was sleeping on the bed. However, his true nature is revealed. He walks towards the door. When he is going to open the room door, I push him and stop him from opening the door. I don’t want our son to be hurt. He points to me that I’m in the wrong. Then he finds fault with my mum about the card top up and his bank statement. I rebuff him that my dad has cleared the misunderstandings. So I bring his mum into the picture. He keeps on pushing for evidence. Pushing and pushing. My tone rises up with the reality. After his mum failed attempts wanting to hold the household groceries last two years, this year July he demanded to handle the household groceries. He admits it his own mindset. This remind me the coffin nightmare. This clearly reveals he doesn’t admit his mum’s instigation. He feels tired of this. Yes. It is my fault to speak harshly. So I apologize to say so and to push him. But he doesn’t admit his own fault. He feels I care for my parents, church and help others. So he insists to divorce and sell our flat. But I disagree. Inside I feel so betrayed not to listen to my parents. I show compassion to my mother in law. Only to be hurt by her. Does he knows this?! Until I angrily rebuke him. “Is his mother his wife?! Or am I his wife?!” Is my intercession for him to live and to take me away to be with Him useless? I have been feeling that I am a burden and feeling so guilty for physical and mental limitations. I really appreciate those who have been loving and helping me. Perine’s words quoting King David’s intercession for his first son with Bathseba useless so I need to stop mourning. Siti’s mother is a widow who remarried again and the quarrel stopped. Realizing the pattern from my grandparents. My grandma (dad’s side) is a widow. Is the Lord protecting me from something abusive from my husband that my dad is anticipating? Is the Lord breaking the generational curse?

Though I feel responsible of my own mistake, the Lord reveals the true nature of my own husband. No wonder I feel repressed. He is a spoilt brat who is a male chauvinist. I regret to confide in him my failings. Only to be put down. He refuses to admit his own mistakes. I thank the Lord to know he is trying to pressure me to kick my parents out of the house. He is just making an act to ask his mum to stay her hometown. If my parents are kicked out, his mum definitely came. Never in my life to meet a scheming man. Tomorrow, he brings our son out by himself. No wonder I feel so pressured and stressed to be with him. No appreciation when I do what is right. And I reject his personality in my heart completely. Our son’s pet fish was killed by him. However, he pushed the blame to our son until he cried out blameless until I need to comfort the little child.

He keeps spouting his own greatness and I don’t do anything. Making an excuse to engage an outside helper rather than lessening his burden. Always taking other couples’ examples. However, I don’t say out about my brother in law who cares for my sister and wanting to engage a helper. Buying groceries for only three months already complain. Always say he has done a lot. I buy the groceries out of responsibility. My mum lends a helping hand due to my physical limitations and migraine. In the end, I remind him that he keeps on insisting he is very smart and blur. Until he admits he is not great. Slaps a fifty dollar note onto the sofa hand to make a clean break he doesn’t care on the things I buy. He only bothers the household.

Surprisingly, the Holy Spirit helps me to calm down after the fight. As I write these down, I feel His presence comforting me. The Lord knows my heart to feel so worse. Is He going to send someone again to catch me? Just like the business mentor/partner who is a sister in Christ. All I can think is for mothers to bring children to workplace. Every mother takes turn to care the child. Looking at the photos of my happy parents from their short overseas trip makes me happy.

Wish you all have good days and thank you. 

Beautiful Misunderstanding

Assuming my business mentor calls
Another friend in the same group
Thanking her

Only to know she hasn’t been in contact with that friend
My presumption gets the better of me
Thus beautiful misunderstanding

Inspiration On: Thursday, 29 October 2015 at 3pm

I thank my business mentor to call BL to encourage me, I found out she hasn’t called Betty ever since we meet. Ups. Then she replied, “You always assume…..!” Thereby I reply, “Aren’t you often assume too and jump to conclusions?”

“Sounds like a kid arguing. I can debate with you!”

“What case, lawyer?”

“Your accusation : Aren’t you often assume too and jump to conclusions? This is a clear example of your presumption. Out of context on the word : case.”

“What is the proper word then?”

“Case is a proper. Just that you only read it in a narrow context.”

“Oh I see. What do you mean by I “only reading in a narrow context”?”

“And if you need favour from people, ‘come on’ is not an appropriate word.”

“What is the appropriate word?”

“What do you mean by I “only readig in a narrow context”? No ending explaining…. even if I explain….? you may not understand.” Her two dots eyes emoticon with a circle mouth makes me laugh.

“Why? You make me laugh.”

“your ability to comprehend….. am tired”

So I begin a new conversation, “I find you strange to call yourself a black sheep. Why do you have to label yourself as ‘black sheep’?”

“I find you strange to call yourself a black sheep. Why do you have to label yourself as ‘black sheep’?”

“What?!!!! I never said that!!!! Are you alright?!!”

“Do I hear wrongly? I just don’t understand. It’s like . . .

Old memories are returning
Younger days
Childhood days
Playful days
Fun days
Hobby days
Laughter days
Am I returning to a child?
Why do everyone treats me like a child?”

During playing with my son and husband, my brain switches off to sleep mode. Thus I doze on the sofa until he and mum wakes me up repetitively to sleep on bed. Once I regain my awaken condition, I brush teeth, change into my pajamas and goes to bed. However, I can’t sleep so I write my diary.

I sense that I can’t handle all the workload for the startup and the ministry. How can I ever pay my business mentor’s salary for assisting me? Whenever I see her LinkedIn profile, her previous jobs mainly assist the presidents. I want to protect those whom I love. Only to be hurt. Inside of me is exploding out.

Suddenly, my business mentor asks, “When is your last day with my admin job?”

“Don’t know.”

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Naive Cautious Prudent Arrogant

Being Wary of people
Often wears one down

Being cautious and prudent is good

Extreme sides of thoughts and mindsets
Being naive and arrogant
Err our judgments

Being cautious and prudent
Being naive
Being arrogant
Who do we choose to be?

Inspiration On: Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 11:32pm

Most of the times, people are full of assumptions with their own sights and hearings. However, they don’t know the whole story. Being slow in speech, people often stop me with their own conclusions. Thus they reach to the wrong conclusion. Instead of listening patiently, most people can’t stand to give their opinions. Why can’t people listens more? I tend to listen more than I speak. I find the joy to lend a pair of listening ears. When it comes to my turn to confide, everyone is eager to pout their own judgments of me and my situations. This really hurts. The recent case is my business mentor who scolds me, “leech!” That words hurt me so much. She doesn’t know much in what I have been through. Until I cry to the Lord. Surprisingly, she asked me the reason I let her got iPhone 6S under my renewed contract. So I have the opportunity to explain my appreciation of our friendship. Then she relented and replied she’ll get it under her son’s corporate plan. She upgrades her 12GB 3G old plan to 4GB 4G plan and treats it as discipline. Because she feels that I need the income more than she does. Strangely, though I am so hurt, I still care about her as the way I care my mother. I see her hurts as I see my mother’s hurts.

Recent Memories

Recent Memories erupts
Recent memories hurts much
A child’s cry etched deeply

“Not me!”
“Not me!”
“I’m not the one who kills the fish!”

“Not me!”
“Not me!”
“I’m not the one who kills the fish!”

“Daddy is the one who reduced the water!”
“I don’t kill the fish!”
“Not me!”

Out of fear
Of my husband’s false accusation to occur
I comfort him
Hugging him
I’ve seen the truth
The one who lays hands on his pet fish is
His dad
Can sense my son calms down
The Lord hears his cries

Inspiration On: Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 9:25pm

Strangely, I am reminded of the dream where my husband walks towards the coffin and stands besides it. However, the fear inside me is almost gone. Is God answering my prayer to take my life away after I fulfill my vow instead of Lih Shien? Why would God’s message spoke to me during my friend’s mother’s funeral wake keeps echoing? “Those who wants to die, can’t die. However, those who don’t want to die, will die.”

Old Memories

Old Memories
Old memories are returning
Younger days
Childhood days
Playful days
Fun days
Hobby days
Laughter days
Am I returning to a child?
Why do everyone treats me like a child?

Inspiration On: Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 9:15pm

Today, I am late by half an hour for the part-time admin job. I thank the Lord and appreciate my supervisor who is so concerned to tell me to leave by 5pm because she doesn’t want me to be locked in the office. Then she gently explain to me to inform her if I have problem reaching office by 8:30am. During performing my duties, I feel so calm and remember my childhood days. Why is my life restarting?

Half Understanding

Have nil business understanding
But . . . But . . .
External perspectives view me
Half business understanding

Having half understanding
God’s ways
May the Lord grants me favour to
Contribute to His kingdom in my
Half understanding ability

Someone (whom I got to know in a networking session) brings me to a business seminar with his other friend. During the seminar, I begin to understand that business owner/producer create the system funnel and able to earn high profits margin. Passive income is part of it. After the seminar, I ask him the duration and reason he joins. It takes him four months before he decides to join. So it helps him and in his freelance. Next is the product training. I begin to see where God is leading me to see the “why”. Practically, I am speechless of God’s doing and leading. Come to think of it IC and my business mentor did mention I have a half understanding about business. All I care is to show care and concern just as the Lord shows His love to me. I can’t remember the words that capture her sense of purpose causing her to join as business partner and willing to mentor me.

A Willing Spy

A good friend can’t stand the sight
Behind an unfair treatment
It betrays his deep conscience
Thus the call from him

The Holy Spirit grants me
Wisdom and a forgiving heart
A new idea to do the re-design
A more polished meaningful design

Inspiration On: Monday, 26 October 2015

A good ex-colleague suddenly call me that my ex-boss did design competition at his branch office. No wonder there is no reply from him. My ex-colleague feels it is unfair to me because I am assigned to design it and I have done the work. Therefore, he calls me. Though it is unfair, I can understand he is unable to say the design he wants. Yes. It’s hurt and I learn to forgive him and bless him in the name of Jesus. Suddenly, an inspiration comes to re-design logo with the current parts of the design. Then I choose the best version and submit to my ex-boss.

Behind The

There are many cases of
Behind the scene
Behind the closed door
Behind the closet
Behind the curtain
Behind the stage

Behind the scene
Many crews are involved

Behind the closed doors
Love, hate, fight, sorrow, laughter and vengeance
Frequently happen in every household

Behind the closet
Bones or precious gems are found

Behind the curtains
Window panes are opened widely

Behind the stage
Many crews and volunteers are working very hard

Behind every successful stories
Many writers, directors and unseen faces are strongly involved

Many audiences forget
Behind the scenes faces

Inspiration On: Sunday, 25 October 2015 at 8:25pm

During my observations, many audiences love to do video streaming at the expense of every video producer’s hard work. Many piracies are on the rise. I appreciate on the hard work and choose on the videos I watched. Arts are cheapened and more artists are exploited to do free work. Before piracy occurs, I enjoy buying on selected category of videos. In every purchased video, I enjoy watching and learning from behind the scenes. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

A Child’s Exasperation

Why must I always being pushed to the corner?
Why must I always let others to cross over my boundary?
Why must I let others dictate my life?
I just want to protect those whom I love.
Why do I keep suppressing my own life decision to make them happy?
Why do they criticize me when I voice out my opinion?
This miserably brings me to the pit of depression!
I am not a puppet!
I feel tired!
I just want Jesus!

Inspiration On: Saturday, 6 October 2015

Oh, I can’t stand the way mum criticizes me and touching the things in my bag. Until I blow up and lose my temper. Then she stops. I didn’t want to do that. Forgive me, Lord. I’m willing to forgive her. Why must she always do that? I understand she cares. It doesn’t mean she needs to go overboard. Oftentimes she override my rebuke to my son. It is so frustrating. My commitment to let my parents stay is to take care of them at their old age. It doesn’t mean to let them exasperate and stifle my potential growth. Dad is contradicting himself too. He mentioned that he listened to his mum and brother to stay locally than accepting the job offer in other country. From his tone, I can sense he regrets it. Wish you all have good days and thank you.