Clear Resolution

Sense of relief for a protector Secure in my dad’s hands of protection
Thanking the Lord
Appreciating my dad

Sensing her to insert more guilt to me
Only think of my husband’s feelings
Solely protecting him and shift care of me
Wish to be free

Speaking up for myself
Does she ever bothers to listen to my heart?
Does she cares my insecure feelings?
Does she ever really respect me?

The one whom she cares most
Do not even appreciate her efforts at all
And even dare to chase her out of the house
Not keeping his promise

The silent one whom she cares
Cares her feelings too much
Choose to keep quiet of own opinion
To bring happiness to her

Being the silent one is
Treated like a fool
Treated useless
Taking my kindness for granted

Still I am committed to
Care my parents at old age
Now is the time to earn income
Reluctantly to enter into leadership


Inspiration On: Friday, 5 February 2016

BL recuperates from her mini heart attack; compliments my personal cv writing to apply for teacher. Then she poses a question that helps me to think through. “post sounds good but u hv not explained why you should get the job. below is too broad. pls try again. follow the ad and add into description. when must u submit? I have to focus on preparing for launch. A lot still not done … don’t think I can do much till Wed or so.” Then she suggests to meet up again and help me to find my focus. I thank the Lord and appreciate her kindness.

My mum brings my son downstairs to take school bus. The school bus boss sincerely comes to my block to seek resolution on the fetching point. However, he disbelieves his employee speaks such threats. My dad confronts, “how can a child lie?” Since he is so sincere, my dad agrees on the fetching point. Then he rebukes the driver’s words. From this, I see the truth and people’s lie towards me. I appreciate those who are direct and honest with me.

Finally, I speak up to my mum that I can’t stand those who don’t admit their mistakes and shift the blame to others. To add more to the fuel is to change the facts. Make right to look wrong. Make wrong to sound right. Then I share about my cousin Apo whose husband physically abuse her. Until now I remember such sight. I don’t want another second case of physical abuse. Then I point out that dad admits when he is in the wrong, doesn’t hit women, and honest. When she replies that my husband has good points, I abruptly explain myself. Yes! I know he has good points. I have been using his good points to comfort myself. In the end, it proves wrong. I remind her accusations, dad and my siblings against me. “Why aren’t you satisfied? You have a husband and son. Why do you still demand career?” She seems shocked. The more I explain myself. His lies and even his personality problem make me can’t stand to stay at home. Already being kind, he demands more. I have enough! Might as well I work! Then I share about my thoughts. Being kind to others without anything in return is alright. I hate it for others to demand more and bite me! I hate it when my kindness is being returned with evil!

Though I feel better to voice out about my feelings, I feel bad too to hurt her. I want her to wake up to her senses to stop her hurting words and always think all her opinions are correct. I do appreciate her kind help. Inside I feel bad to be so ruined and broken in my marriage life due to caring my parents’ feelings to get married instead of voicing out my own opinions. In the end, I lose my independence. My autism gots worse! Losing the structure. So fearful. Develop sociophobia. Psychological, mental and physical abuse occur. Diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. I can’t manage myself. Spiritually declining. Hanging onto my Lord and Saviour like a mad fellow. Crying non-stoply until my nurse friend diagnoses me with bipolar. Instead of being understood, always get scolded. This is the pain of being the only Christian in the family. The immense anguish to be a protector but failed terribly. I crave for an environment where I can truly share my heart. God hears my heart and will provide.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Threats to Assert Boundary

The more I assert myself nicely
Choose to speak to the boss
Refusing to believe the driver is the boss
Ignoring his bus horn
Threats against me are poured out

Everyone is informed
Parents are extremely concerned
Dad justifies my actions
Mum disagrees vehemently
Own husband only care of his own pocket

Lord, this is so disappointing
I feel so insecure with my own husband
No wonder I feel so tired
Please grant me a job
Bless the business idea that comes from You


Inspiration On: Thursday, 4 February 2016

The school bus driver still insists to fetch my son from another block instead of my block. I feel so upset. All my life, people take my kindness for granted. I assert my boundary and refuse to agree with their negotiation. The auntie points to me that the driver is the boss. Furthermore, I refuse to believe the driver is the boss. I have paid the bus fee and yet he tells me to walk to other blocks. Who is the paymaster? If he is me, will he like to be treated like that? Now, the ‘Confronting Jezebel’ book is getting alive. The Bible is true that, “out of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

Upon reaching home, my son informs that the driver threatens to tear my face. I never expect to bring out the best or the worst in people. My
dad and mum are concerned about it. My son asks me the reason I choose to be picked up at our block. I answer that most people take my kindness for granted and enter into my boundary. So I have enough of it and assert my boundary. Then I explain the meaning of service to the client. Such lazy attitude is wrong. When I want to talk to the school bus boss, my mum and dad don’t let me talk. She calls thrice, but no answer. At night, she calls again and speaks to the school bus boss.

During learning cooking dinner, my mum mentions to me that I need to respect child’s opinion and feelings in terms of giving unused toys away. That is enough to throw a bomb into sleeping volcano. I have been considering my son’s opinions, feelings and spiritual growth. I am concerned of his growth and worried of him getting spoilt. She feels that her way is right. I confront her for being too opinionated and always overwrite my discipline towards my son. I appreciate her help. I say that I shouldn’t have listened to get married earlier. However, she gets the wrong meaning. She feels that she is at fault and just wants to go back to her hometown. So that gives me the meaning that she wants to quickly marry me off. If I have spoken up earlier, my autism won’t get worse as now. Again I talk about the business execution and my disappointment with her behaviours. She wants to do business yet she dissuaded me to publish a book. In the end, she asks me whether I want money to do the business. “It’s not about money. It’s about support. Other family members can cooperate to support each other to do business together,” I answer. That’s enough to silence her. Then she replies, “help in what area? I’m not good in English.” Then she retaliates whether I want to be forced to learn my own mother tongue. I wish I can learn it well. Now, I need to earn money first. She can’t do marketing is her excuse unless I know someone who can do marketing. When she asks whether I know, I choose to keep quiet to keep her expectations lower. My business mentor is in my mind Though I argue with her, I still have the commitment to take care of her in her old age. Now, I need to get the job so that I can do the business to fulfill my vow to the Lord. I don’t want to disappoint God. And also a job so that I can take care of my parents. It aches my heart to see my own husband wants to kick my parents away after our son grows up. If I get a job before I accepted my husband’s proposal, I can mature faster and be more independent. And even prevent them from being treated badly. Or may not be that’s not the case. I never expect throughout this ordeal, I learn more about God and see the real truths from everybody. I ache for my son too who learns to exaggerate on certain issues. I’m surprised by his good points who knows who is in the right and wrong. I’m grateful for his gratitude and helpfulness towards my parents. Her point nor to confront small people is to protect my son from danger. I answer that I can’t stand such people anymore. That may cause the person to get worse. She gives two scenarios – either the boss is afraid of lacking employees or tell the employees off. Thank God to be reminded of my ex-boss who can manage his gangster staff and that staff pleads loyalty to the company.

My son speaks out to his dad about the school bus driver’s threats. Kids are kids. Kids don’t fully understand the situation. My husband’s words and actions disappoint and give me more insecurity. “It’s expensive to pay $70 monthly. Might as well send and fetch our son by own self.” This gives me the strongest message that I don’t need to work. Might as well he sends and fetches our son himself. Then he’ll know the feelings. Suddenly, I am visually reminded of Apo, my cousin who often go to my house confiding in my mum. Her bruised face beaten by her husband. What is happening?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Clearer Perspective

Holding A brother in Christ calls
Out of concern
Put prayer first seeking God
Then he listens intently
Closing with prayer
Suddenly
A sister in Christ
Sends Matthew 10:37
Explained in a clear manner
Confounded my wrong mindset
Love God by loving others
Correct meaning must
Listen to His will
Above relationship
All relationship will fall into place

Inspiration On: Monday, 18 January 2016

Uncle WY to listen with understanding and pray on the relationship issue between Business mentor and I. Some relationships are gone. Some relationships are good to keep. He shares about his church issue who talk behind the pastor’s back. This person leaves. Great to hear that my belief is according to God’s teaching to confront in person. I share the qualities I like from Business mentor. Lately, there are so many misunderstandings. He prays for me to leave our misunderstanding to God and let Him to deal with her due to my slowness.

Suddenly, a sister in Christ explains another perspective from Matthew 10:37.

Who is my master? Relationships?
Matt 10:37 “anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. Anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.”

Jesus is not asking us to hate our loved ones. What He means is that we should not love our family so much as to keep us from doing what God wants us to do.

When we put God first, all other relationships fall into proper place. Our love for God will govern the demands on our time, priorities and God’s call on our lives.

God is so timely and to give me another perspective from the scripture. So I send this to Uncle WY and confess to God and him, “Uncle WY, I have sinned against God to care about relationships. I thought caring about relationships is to give a good testimony. Thank God to realize that care about relationships is in my nature too. I almost lose myself and my own voice too. No wonder I wish to have Christian parents.” He comforts me of God’s forgiveness, “Hey Yoshiko, dun worry, Our GOD always wants to forgive us when we come to JESUS in total Repentence ok? The Lord is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. He will not always strive with us, Nor will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; As a father pities his children, So the Lord pities those who fear Him. As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting On those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children’s children, And so as we really really(100%) put Our GOD, above everything, our beloved families, our talents,, our possessions wch we can never bring along with us, our eveything, HE will take over our lives, our thots, we desires, our will, our future, our families(husband, kids) n Bless us. Matt6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Lord, please open the animation industry door where I can contribute my part in Your kingdom.

Then I call DK, the animation school founder. He explains about the character design masterclass and the animation IP business.

I wish to have the continuous friendship with Business mentor if the Lord permits though she is so straightforward, too assertive and too opinionated. Please work in her heart too. You let us meet and give me the opportunity to be friends and show my appreciation. The bible study on Faith vs Fear v1 has been echoing about close relationship with God. LT shares it is likened to have a close relationship with an obedient child. Thereby whenever the child asks for anything, as a parent you just want to give it to that child. Business mentor comes as a result of my prayer.

At night, I speak my heart through WhatsApp, “LT I have answered the bible study for the faith versus fear 2. I feel so peaceful and I can understand your message clearly for the part 1. Thanks a lot for your clear explanation. Because I can relate to it through my observations and relationship in my family.” She answers with a thumbs up emoticon.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Magnet Attraction

Holding a cup of food
Feeding the small parrots
A large green parrot
Often lands onto
My head
Poking my right earring
Using my finger
Stop it from poking my right earring
Only to let my fingers bitten by its beak
Am I a magnet attraction?


Inspiration On: Sunday, 17 January 2016

Today as a family we go to a birdpark. We enjoy feeding the birds and I want to touch the penguin to no avail due to short hands. The feeder staff explain nicely not to touch the penguin. When we feed the parrots, a large green parrot often land on my head. Thus my hair is messed up. My husband and son often laugh at me. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Urgent Prayer Request

Immediate identification of spirits
Disturbing my family
Power from the Lord to calm down

Seeking prayer
On my husband’s behalf and bound it
Informing my cell leader


Inspiration On: Saturday, 9 January 2016

I am awakened by three dreams about my husband. The first dream he fetched me home In the second dream he lost half of his right leg. The last dream, his neck swelled due to thyroid and passed away. Immediately, I WhatsApp Uncle WY to pray against the spirit of handicap, sickness in thyroid and the spirit of death. Then I learn to pray and cast such spirits.

Heavenly Father, I pray for the job at the creative agency. In Jesus’ name. My business mentor considers whether she wants me to add her as co-owner of our business. Lord, if she doesn’t want, I can’t do anything. Of course, I want her to be the business partner.

I feel uneasy to ask my cell group for prayer for my husband. They sound so happy to celebrate on the anointing. Then I text message Uncle WY to ask for prayer. Then I rush out of home for the service excellence class. Only to realize he messages me, “A JESUS CHRIST-Blessed Sat morning to you, do u think your husband can allow me to pray with him to JESUS to Heal him? May i call u now? 8.20am Sat 9th Jan?” Oh no. I answer, “I’m sorry. I just see your message. In the morning, I prayed for him. And I cast out the spirits. Now I’m on my way to attend government class from 10am to 6pm.”

I’m surprised that my husband will bring our son to nearby mall for dinner. Thank God and so thankful of him.

The Service Excellence helps me to understand the reason IC likes my service. Thus the Lord enables me to move forward in business. The trainer is known as MST. During lunch, he and I have conversations. IM praises the fast changes of my outlook. I thank my business mentor who helps to point my problem and suggested to me to work in a conducive environment. Then he asks me, “people easily distract you.” I respond, “Yes, people distract me. I am distracted easily by people.” Inside my heart, I feel bad not to get things done due to people. Is that the reason Perine says, “no wonder” upon seeing my personality test. He points my strength that I have kindness. What? Then he continues that a company needs to have vision, mission and values. That is where million dollars is invested into a company. Why do I have to hear this for the third time? The trainer explains very clearly about vision, mission and values. We are given exercise to brainstorm a company’s vision, mission and values. I am assigned to a group of South Indians to discuss on a supermarket setup. Surprisingly, everything flows out and I explain to the Indians the correct section and better words. I get excited in the exercise, design the logo and drawing people. I enjoy listening to others’ presentation. In our turn, they tell me to move forwarded . I refuse. The trainer will make us to run a big circle. They point me to move forward. Reluctantly, I move forward and present. Thank God for the clear presentation.

During dinner, my son pesters him to go to church together. In the end, he relents. I explain to him that the church worship is using drum. He still goes and introduce him to SS. I inform Uncle WY about it. In the service, a pastor preaches about persecution as Christians. It’s not easy to be followers of Jesus. That can destroy his presumptions that Churches at suntec are materialistic. Hallelujah! I feel so delighted on the married couples going together as a church to relive the honeymoon. So far no reaction from my husband to receive Christ. In the prayer for deliverance, I ask the lady to pray for my husband. Thank God to learn to bind the spirit of handicap, sickness and death in my husband. They also guide me to speak the proper tone to bound those and the spirit of fear in me. The lady highlights to me to share to my cell leader. No need to feel bad to confide in my assigned cell leader. So I point to SS and she is called. She comforts me to tell her about such issue and the cell group will pray together for me. SS explains the reason the devil bully me because I am so quiet. I learn the mistake in my tone to cast the demons away.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Hard Truth

Compliments my writing
Questioning my inconsistency
In writing and in person

Speechless and wonder
What is God doing?
My Lord, what are Your doing?

Throwing hard truths about
People’s true colours
Enable me to see them as it is

When to walk away
Observing the approachable moment
And red light

All these needs
Strong relationship with God
Trusting in His hands of protection


Inspiration On: Thursday, 31 December 2015

My business mentor is concerned about my marriage. She suggests to go for marriage counselling and the telling me not to be rigid. She hasn’t understand the whole situation. I showed my affection to him by implementing my home church teaching to give him a kiss after quarrel. He felt uneasy reminding him Judas Iscariot who was ready to betray Jesus. However, I choose to keep quiet about it. Then she accompanies ne to meet someone about project. I reveal I am more interested in permanent. After the meeting, she feels that it is a waste of her time. Then she reveals the truth about the advisor we ever met. He wants to make love with her. Since then, she stops meeting him. Oh no! Why doesn’t she tell me earlier? This reminds me of my parents who keep me in the dark about my husband’s family members. When I was going to get married at Sabah, his sister left my parents and siblings. Then they walk by themselves and spot her in the McDonald with her son. Recently, my parents began to divulge it. However, they respect the sanctity of marriage. No wonder, I suffer the consequences due to my naivety. I also doesn’t want my husband to burn in hell for the sake of accompanying his mother. I choose to speak by faith from the proclamation paper that Sherrley Seah gives. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Beyond

Accident phone cable pulls out
Attempting to repair and replace
Useless attempts

Beyond repair
Beyond help
Beyond understanding scope

Seek my help
God blesses the work of my hands
The phone is alive again

Respond
Handle with care
Maintain well
Take good care

That scares him off
Choosing to let me handle those
Since young I have been seeking to understand


Inspiration On: Sunday, 13 December 2015

There are guests coming for the Cell Group Christmas party. I re-learn to welcome them again. When I am assigned as a group leader with four kids, I feel awkward. However, I learn to accept responsibility as a leader though reluctant. When it is too noisy, my ears can’t take it. It’s good they have a good time. My son is also having a good time.

SS chats with my son. He says he doesn’t like his dad. What? Do I overhear it correctly?

At night, my son is talking with his grandmother (dad’s side). I feel much happier to leave the room and drink detox tea in the kitchen. He moves his body a lot until pulling down the phone and its cable. So the communication is totally cut off. His dad scolds him for not listening and always pulling the cable. Then he attempts to repair it to no avail. The phone rings at my parents’ room. He chooses to tell my son to answer the phone than answering the phone himself. Immediately, he uses his mobile phone to call back and explain the situation.

My husband says that now he chooses to think openly. That makes him much happier. Life is short. Finally, he comes to such conclusion. Then he explains the phone cable issue. I look at it. He opens the phone cable box socket to let me see. No cables are cut off. I close the box off. Next I see the cable is pulled out. Scrutinize it closely. The red and blue is totally cut off. The cable is beyond repair. So I use the other cable for the printer fax machine as the replacement. It works perfectly. He says that he has tried it but it doesn’t work. Maybe he doesn’t plug the head deeply. Suddenly, I am reminded of my previous full time job working days. My two female employees were being bullied by the server. Whenever they switched it on, the server refused to switch on. However, when WC and/or I switched it on, it switched on out of fear. It was the joke and so true. Therefore, I joke with my husband that the cables dislike him and bully him due to his lack of understanding towards them. Then I joke more. Who ask him to bully me? That’s why the cables bully him back. He speaks out to let me handle all those. I respond to let him learn. And conclude to him, “handle with care and maintain well.” Because I remember him saying to throw rather than repair. I believe to maintain and repair.

Thanks for reading my poetry and hope this poetry minister and bless you.

Deep Deprivation

I want Jesus
Loving Him by loving others
Giving myself too much
Completely drained
Only to realize

Refusing to follow my dad’s footsteps
End myself in his footsteps
Who is deprived of his potential
Repetitively saying
Never hurt his mother
Willingly give me away to my childless uncle
Who chooses my four years elder sister
Thus she blames our
Unwilling mother to gave her away
Instead of finding the truth

Refusing to follow my mum’s footsteps
End myself in her footsteps
Who stands on her feet
Protecting her children from emotional abuse
Being rejected as my dad’s wife
Unwillingly submit to my dad to
Either gave my sister or me away

My mother in law
My husband
Hurls humiliation
Accusations towards
My parents
My good intentions
Taking my soft heart for granted
With her crocodile tears
My dad’s good intention to rebuke my husband
Pointing the main problem in his
Mother’s psychological mindsets
Highlight the importance to
Guide own mum from wrong paths

Even sowing seeds of discords
Between my parents and I
Found it by finding the truth
Between my son and I
Found it through his words
That she is afraid to come here
Afraid my dad will call police to catch her
Why does she has to say such words to a kid?!
Why does she has such presumptions?!

Enough is enough
Enough is enough
Lord, I feel so drained
Being pushed away and head knocks onto bedside
Shows his lack of self-restraint
I need to protect my boundary in Christ’s strength
Only want His will in my life


Inspiration On: Monday, 30 November 2015

I feel so worse for not being able to understand other people’s simple English message. After many repetitions of explaining the same words, then I begin to understand the message. Why is it like this? During my single days, I feel much happier and my English comprehension is better. Now, my understanding level slows down. I feel so upset. Until I tell mum that dad isn’t totally correct. He feels reading books are useless. In fact, it helps my inspiration. What’s wrong with me reading books? In fact, I do too much and repeat the same mistakes. Reading books can inspire and help me to solve in the things I do. When I tell mum about my slow comprehension, my brother comes out trying to help. Then he asks whether I need them to help me to understand the message or just for me to share. I answer to share out my frustrations.

Deep inside I feel exhausted due to loving my parents too much and want to protect them and make them happy. So when dad mentioned that girls no need to study high. Girls just need to get married. Does he ever bother to care about my thoughts? All he can is to put me down. What is wrong to do creative work? Is it because he can’t get the mechanical job thus he put his opinion onto me? Most likely. Finally, I blurt out my findings one year ago. The reason wives are abused due to their parents quickly marry them off. Many parents don’t see the importance to let their grown up daughters to gain financial independence.

Deep down in my core, I feel so dampened and helpless for not being able to protect my parents financially, to let them suffer humiliation with me and lesser times with my five years son.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Return Shirk Responsibility

Can not stand those who shirk responsibility
It dawned upon me

The reason
Being wronged
with and without making mistakes
All blame is fully pushed onto my head

The reason
Lost self-worth
Understanding lost temper
Due to overloaded with many tasks

The reason
Scattered self
Lost self
Guilt ridden
Crying endlessly
Being diagnosed with bipolar
Expressionless
Tired of life
Seeking the Lord to bring me home

Smash!
Return his tasks back to him
Return his words back to him
To stop from
Being taken advantage


Inspiration On: Friday, 20 November 2015

The purchased groceries are wrong. So I correct my husband. Yet he dares to say, “As mentioned previously, I shall only take care ur daily meals so u don’t starve, but I still buy for u and u complaints a lot. I owe u a living? Since u are working now and have own income, it is fair that u take care and buy ur own item. Please don’t come to order me to buy anymore and complaints. Thks.” Wow. Still can say thanks. Suddenly, the words of my business mentor echoes so I use it to rebuke him, “You are the one who buy the wrong one. You are the one who say to me that you want to buy the groceries.”

Now I can see his real face, “Do u send any info when asked me to buy? And those r not groceries, those r what u want to use but I don’t use. U should buy for urself whatever u want to use.” Again my business mentor’s words inspires me, “Be more observant.” So I tell him off, “I have the written the correct words. The one that you buy does not state the correct words. Be more observant.

He is a great schemer to say, “As I mentioned, I don’t use those item. If u don’t like what I bought for u, u should go and buy for urself, not asking other to buy for u.” All I can respond is, “You learn to buy. You are the one who said want to retire early. You are the one who said want to have a child. You are the one who said to give allowance.”

He loves to say I argue when he is the one who wants to argue, “Sorry, I got limited SMS. I don’t want to argue all this and wasting my SMS as I still need the free SMS quota for work. Just buy for urself since u working.” Unexpectedly, I argue back, “I don’t need such excuse. I just start to work and don’t earn much. Yet you still have the cheek to say such things. The myojo instant noodle is not the one I normally eat.”

He reminds my words, “U also say u want to work to share all expenses, but after 5 years saying u r not bringing anything to support and all burden to me.” Now, I begin to see the reason I have a hard time to secure a job. Associate with a wrong person can cost my mental and physical issues. I respond according to the fact, “You are a good talker. I’m not even you.” He seems to hurrily respond, “Then don’t talk. Case closed.” I argue, “Case is not closed.”

His message makes me laugh, “Up to u. My side case closed, if u feel not closed, it is ur problem. I am not going to reply ur SMS anymore.” I just respond, “It is your problem too. Then talk.” Such an excuse, “Don’t talk better. I don’t want to have another fighting in front of kid. It is not good for kid growth.” I suggest, “Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others. Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others.”

It is contradicting for him to say, “Up to u to think whatever about me. I don’t care & also tired to explain for ur understanding. I have nothing to talk with u except issue related to kid.” The more I return his shirk responsibility back to him, “Then tomorrow you bring son yourself.” He is a cunning fellow, “I have no problem if u, as a mother, feel that our issue can make u, as a mother, don’t care about kid school. Just pass to me his birth cert, our marriage cert and his bank details including card and I will settle myself. If the school require ur sign, I will inform u and u come at ur convenient time.” I end it, “I don’t want to sign. You sign it yourself. You are his father. You are the one who wants to cancel his Hebron school. You go to his school to inform them.”

Then he replies, “As I mentioned, pass me his birth cert, our marriage cert & his bank details. I will sign & only called u if they need u to sign. I will inform Hebron also.” Absolute answer to him, “Nope. You go and ask them first. Then you cancel Hebron first. You are his dad.”

All I think is to post scenery sketch to YY. A way to thank her and to show my appreciation. I like her personality until I can’t help except to sketch waterfall scenery for her. It suits her. So I leave my room, get envelope, and enter playroom to find postage stamp in the drawer. I can’t find it. Oh, I had moved the box to my part time job office. Creaks. My ears detect it. My husband enters into the storeroom. Then I return to my room. He enters with a screwdriver! I abruptly stand at my drawer to protect my son’s and my marriage certificate. Oh no! He refuses to respect my boundary. He pushes. I stand strongly not to be pushed. His infuriated breath sounds so strong. Mightily he pushes me. My back head knocks against the bed side. Right hand and right calf pains a bit. Suddenly, my parents enter our room. My dad warns him fiercely. Don’t lay a hand on his daughter. Or else he’ll discipline my husband. My dad definitely accept his fight. He furiously quarrel with my dad. It led both of them out of the room. BANG! I close my room door with my mum inside. Fearfully, I unlock my drawer. Take out the certificates. Pass it to mum. Then I take a cloth bag to cover it. Through the door, I heard my husband blames I am the one who pushes him first. I raise my voice that he is the one who pushes me first. I am guarding my drawer. I have said I refused to open my drawer. Yet he disrespect my boundary. He pushes me onto the bedside. I thank God for them and appreciate their love and care for me. If I listen to the impression in my heart, I would have moved the certificates into my office. The most safest place. Now, all the certificates are in my parents’ hands. Though it is safe, I am concerned on their lives. I quickly slip my will writing under a folder in order not to let my parents see.

Then he looks remorseful. His voice sounds kind. Persuading me to go to the other room to discuss. Every time he is the one who initiates to discuss. I have enough. Refuse to go over. All he can say is sorry. His sorry sounds remorseful. I want to accept his apology. However, I keep quiet. I want him to know his own wrong. I don’t want to be fooled and taken advantage anymore.

Then he text message me, “I am very sorry for just now incident. I don’t mean to cause u falling on ground. Sorry again. But I still don’t understand why u don’t want to pass those items to so I can complete everything within a day, I still cannot agree u keep all those documents for urself only” From it, I can sense he pushes the blame onto me.

He continues, “Anyway, we are at this stage where no trust between us. Do u still think we should stick together?” I choose silence treatment. That shows he doesn’t wake up to his senses. All he can do is blaming others for making him the way he acts.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Digged Out Memories

Oh no! Today, I am nervous awaiting for the bus. In fact, I should leave house at 7:30am. My migraine is aching a lot. In the end, I reach around 9am instead of 8:30am. YY is so concerned to tell me to leave by 5pm because she doesn’t want me to be locked in the office. Then she gently explain to me to inform her if I have problem reaching office by 8:30am.

JWF to ask me about the photo cleaning editing to erase the mannequin wearing the clothes. She needs help in this area.

While I am doing the part-time admin job, I feel pressured on my deadline to fulfill my vow unto the Lord. What is He doing in my life? BL gives her feedback about my animation script is full of grammar errors and the story is not enough. She introduces ‘The Lorax” and to read other children’s book. The good feedback from my screenwriters are not according to her standard. However, I keep quiet about being scouted by a hollywood screenwriter for my high concept. Then she reveals that she works in an advertising agency and has worked on scriptwriting. That’s amazing. Then she mentions that Vincent and I make her worried. So she wants to help me. I don’t understand which part of my speech sounds defensive to her. However, I appreciate her kind gesture. I see the Lord doesn’t give up on me. Does my business mentor contacts BL about me? I wonder. I feel like saying thank you to her.

The way CW does make me worried. I ask him not to send the logo picture using GJ’s and LS’a names. I appreciate his concern. He is angry due to his dad creates logo competition in Jakarta. Thus I explain to him that’s not the way to do so. Let God does the judging though WA has prejudices towards him. Maybe yes maybe no.

Strangely, I am reminded of my husband besides the coffin dream without much fear anymore. Is God answering my prayer to take my life away after I fulfill my vow instead of my husband? Why would God’s message spoke to me during a friend’s mother’s funeral wake keeps echoing? “Those who wants to die, can’t die. However, those who don’t want to die, will die.”

During dinner, my mum keeps on telling me to listen to her ways to read the Bible at night. She can only say her own opinions. “Why can’t you immediately wake up?” Inside my heart, I just want God’s Words to fill my heart and mind. Then I am surprised with my reply to her. Then you try to walk in my shoes. Before my migraine, I can wake up immediately. Ever since my migraine begins, it’s hard for me to immediately wake up. She keeps on asking whether the chronic migraine began during chiropractic. I can’t remember. All she does is jump to conclusion that it is chiropractic. She concludes not to find chiropractic. Inside my heart, I am filled with many questions of life. Why does she blames the doctor?