Extreme Opposing Patterns

Judge others harshly
Lack of understanding
Overlook own mistakes
Extremely self-forgiving
Finding fault on others
Searching for scapegoats
Seeking control on others’ lives
Protecting own interest

Extremely forgiving others’ mistakes easily
Full of empathy and understanding
No excuse with own mistakes
Admit own faults
Beware of being the scapegoat
Be sensitive to manipulative spirits
Protect others’ interest
Seek the Lord’s intervention to stop being controlled

Circumstances and situations
May cause
Both extremes switch places
Thus the cycle continues

Maintain self-care purpose
In order to
Care others require
Recognise the higher power
Omnipotent God sees
Seeking my Lord and Saviour
To be the person whom the Lord wants

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Inspiration On: Tuesday, 14 September 2016

It has been months I have been feeling miserable. My cell leader has been highlighting to me repetitively to learn to self care so that I can care others. I begin realise that it is my mistakes to let others enter into my boundaries. I refuse to let my patterns to continue and ask God for wisdom. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Judgmental / Poor Listeners

Assumes beforehand
Quick to judge
Quick to stereotype
Quick to finish up sentences
Quick to speak
Ear drums are filtered
Full of opinions
Overlook unexpected important heart-to-heart issues
Instantly jump into conclusions

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Inspiration On: Monday, 5 September 2016

Suddenly, my ex-mentor attempts to help me. Then I begin to understand her good intention by trying to help me with her way. Then she admits her weaknesses for being judgmental. Then I admit my recent newfound strength is being a good listener. However, it can be my weaknesses as I share my cases. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Drunk

Dizzy
Light sensation inside
Head
Heart
Body
Floating feeling

Drown my sorrow
Heart speaks out of pain and fear
Being stuck in between
Being put in a difficult position and situations
Due to my decision to
Listen and follow people’s expectations

Recent cases
Learning to assert myself
Losing temper
Drawing boundaries
Instead of letting others overstep my boundaries
Often fails

Crying due to
Being taken advantage
Being hard-pressed
Due to listen to my parents more
Rather than realising the
Whisper of the Holy Spirit

Almost lose myself
Stuck in between at home
Instead of enjoying at home
Choose to go out
Outside also
Almost lose myself

Awakened from confusion
Choose to discern and refuse to go for
Autism assessment
In order to get job offer
Believing the Lord’s providence
Gain the Lord’s favour through the interview

Receive job offer and do my best
Mistakes after mistakes
Pressured to perform multi-task
Switching from task to task
Overwhelmed
Mind goes blank

Inside feels disappointed with self
For angering my friend
Understanding her fears and cares
Knowing her deepest concern
That breaks my heart
My wrong conclusion cause her problem

If going for earlier autism assessment
I will not frustrate others
Due to my confusion
Others will not frustrate me
Life will be better for everyone
Understanding self improve lifestyle

Upon deciding to go for autism assessment
Why do my parents show angry looks?
The other friend disagrees for my parents’ mindset
Hearing my honesty of suicidal mindset
Period of recovery and need others’ help too
That friend’s feedback echo

Stunned of my close friend
Suddenly hugs me and apologises
Speechless and awkward
The other friend’s husband sends me home with her and son
Floating sense and dizzy
Acting to walk steadily home with own son

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

The other friend whom I celebrate my friend’s birthday informs her husband to send me home. She knows that I can’t go home by myself if I’m drunk. But I don’t know whether I am drunk. I just feel that my body is lighter and easier to speak out of my heart. She shares her method to drown her sorrow – social withdraw and watch dramas and movies. Unexpectedly, I blurt out my heart out and confess my sins of suicidal feelings. Unexpectedly, I turn into into poetry. Only to know later that it is termed as depression. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Dizzy

Staggering
Spinning
Blurring
Sights

People
Things
Environment
Move around

Is there an earthquake?
Why are my legs wobbly?
Is my body out of balance?
Why my head feels spinning?

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

The other friend whom I celebrate my friend’s birthday informs her husband to send me home. She knows that I can’t go home by myself if I’m drunk. But I don’t know whether I am drunk. I just feel that my body is lighter and easier to speak out of my heart. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Confession Time

Red water drips smoothly into
The wine cup
Celebrating my close friend’s birthday
A close friend and even colleague

Please listen to me
Wanted to speak my heart out to her
Her two other friends confide and share

My heart and mind feel lighter
The message to deliver to my friend
Turns into cries and willingness to go for therapy
Unexpected of her kind comfort

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016

I want to talk to my close friend about my feelings. However, I don’t know how to put it. Today celebrate my friend’s birthday with two other friends at the friend’s house. Appreciate for my friend to ask my address so that she can send me home before I get drunk. I don’t know the feeling of drunk. I appreciate to have it at my friend’s house because I feel safer. We share our broken-heartedness due to our decisions. I learn a new insight from the other friend how to discern wisely. I’m surprised I become dizzy and feels lighter. Suddenly, every experiences are spoken, the developing sociophobia due to my husband and mother in law, then the feeling of everyone is awaiting me to make mistakes. When my forgetfulness frustrates others especially my good friend, I feel so hurt. So I can’t wait to go for therapy. I should have listened to my ex-business mentor to go for earlier assessment and get help. The reason I didn’t listen is due to always listen to others’ advises and do it. In the end, it land me to dire situations. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Please Listen to Me

Do you know
What you are doing?
Do you know
Who are the people she sends to?

My eyes open wide
Overlook the email sent by the person
Last night I have been asking
Ex-business mentor who has been in the finance industry

I speak out
I explain my thoughts
Only to be treated
Being self-defensive

Yes
I made the mistake
I’m wrong
Forgive me

Being silent
Seems the best
Nobody wants to listen me
Please listen to me

Are everybody waiting for me
To make mistakes unexpectedly?
Why do I make the mistakes?
Forgive me, Lord

If I go earlier for autism assessment
Then earlier for therapy
I will not land my friend into trouble
If I listen to advise

Hold onto my tears
Rush to the bathroom
Hiding in the cubicle
Tears roll down uncontrollably

Stop then return to my desk
A lady colleague gives
A sour salty sweets
Then a big pack of tissue

Embarrassingly tears hard to control
Sobbing quietly
Picking tissue pieces after pieces
Hold onto to it

A kind gesture from a colleague
Swear to keep quiet
Willingly to lend a pair of listening ears
Thanking profusely yet choose to keep quiet

Reminded of the Bible
Beware of wagging tongues
Spread like wildfire
Being quiet and cry to my Lord

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Inspiration On: Friday, 26 August 2016

I just want to do my best. I overlook the email that the customer sent to my higher management. My friend sees it and is scared so she scolds me. When I explain myself, she feels that I am being self-defensive. Oh no! I make the mistake. I don’t mean it to happen.