Tag Archives: Heart
Confession Time
Red water drips smoothly into
The wine cup
Celebrating my close friend’s birthday
A close friend and even colleague
Please listen to me
Wanted to speak my heart out to her
Her two other friends confide and share
My heart and mind feel lighter
The message to deliver to my friend
Turns into cries and willingness to go for therapy
Unexpected of her kind comfort
Inspiration On: Saturday, 27 August 2016
I want to talk to my close friend about my feelings. However, I don’t know how to put it. Today celebrate my friend’s birthday with two other friends at the friend’s house. Appreciate for my friend to ask my address so that she can send me home before I get drunk. I don’t know the feeling of drunk. I appreciate to have it at my friend’s house because I feel safer. We share our broken-heartedness due to our decisions. I learn a new insight from the other friend how to discern wisely. I’m surprised I become dizzy and feels lighter. Suddenly, every experiences are spoken, the developing sociophobia due to my husband and mother in law, then the feeling of everyone is awaiting me to make mistakes. When my forgetfulness frustrates others especially my good friend, I feel so hurt. So I can’t wait to go for therapy. I should have listened to my ex-business mentor to go for earlier assessment and get help. The reason I didn’t listen is due to always listen to others’ advises and do it. In the end, it land me to dire situations. Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Who Is The Apple Giver?
A red apple in yellowish colour
Sits on the black Fujitsu laptop
Thought my good friend gives
She answers not her
Maybe our supervisor
Need to clarify the matter
Who else if not him?
Inspiration On: Thursday, 24 March 2016
Early in the morning, I am surprised of an apple is on the Fujitsu laptop. Yesterday there is no apple in the pantry. Is it my friend who gives the apple? When I ask her, she is not the one who gives the apple. Is it my supervisor? That is her question too. However, the direct phone line and monitor are completely unworkable. The clock struck 9:30am. My friend reaches the office. Next is my supervisor. Later on, he passes me my access card and attempt to find out its passcode.
During my work, I feel awful to speak up to my mum yesterday. At the same time, I also want to fulfill my vow to my Lord. Is it not the right time yet due to my lack of understanding? Or is it due to me speaking up? Suddenly a thought comes to my mind. If animation school founder offers me an animation job opportunity, I will go for it. I am prepared. Now I need to brush up my drawing skills. I still want to use the animation for my Lord.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
First Day of Full Time Job
Excitement enters my heart
Warm welcome from close friend
Close Friend becomes own colleague
Comfortable with each other
Clear guidance from her
Enjoy the fellowship
Helpful boss
Purely numbers
Use accounting system
Opening excel files
Moving back and forth
Confused which system data
Matching the company names
With their internal identity number
Inspiration On: Wednesday, 23 March 2016
I am so excited on my first day of work. But the supervisor and my friend have not came yet. So I have to sit on the table. Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Down To Be A Clown
Fall flat to my face
Being down in a mud
Being clown soothes
My aching heart and mind
By laughing at my stupidity
Comical thinking of extreme disparity mindset
Strength from the Lord enters deeply
Inspiration On: Monday, 29 February 2016
It begins with, “down clown” then to, “when you are down, it’s time to be a clown. Laugh at yourself.” After editing it, I see how the Lord helps me to stand him and move on.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
So Misunderstood
Misunderstandings after misunderstandings
Many misunderstand my good intentions
Family members misunderstand me
Friend Boss misunderstand me too
My stoning due to family issue is treated as doing nothing
My behaviour and body language are
Inconsistent with
The intentions of my heart and mind
Few church friends understand me
Two ex-mentors and a pre-believer understand me
Prayers of blessing from church members
Encouragements from the body of Christ
Comfort my
My aching heart
My allegiance to my Lord and Saviour
Inspiration On: Thursday, 3 December 2015
Suddenly, in the morning my boss/friend finally replies, “You don’t need to apologise. I think it was clear when I offered you the hourly part time was because I value your time as another start-up business owner, we understand how valuable time and resource are. So I thought it was perfect solution for both. I need someone who knows design and you need working space. For the hourly pay I am paying you I expected giving you business owners’s guidance ie how to use your design work into fashion retail and e-commerce but if what you need is hand holding then what you are asking is work for fresh graduate.” I feel so misunderstood. I want a business owner’s guidance. Why should she add the word ‘but’? Her assumptions that I am looking for a full time $4000 to $5000 pay and she can’t give it. Those two assumptions deeply hurt me. What should I do, Lord? I have done the mistakes due to family issues. How do I rectify the issue? Is it too late? Are You opening another door for me? Though I want to explain myself, it is pointless to explain. I just treat it as my focus back to media and back to fulfill my vow to the Lord.
Suddenly, the sight of a flying dove catches my attention. Is there a dove rearer in Singapore?
Since I reach an MRT station earlier, I choose to go to to the workplace advisory. The career consultant questions me. I explain the diverse freelance projects I have done. Then she manages to nail down my unique value proposition. It is to add value to the companies. Then she refers me to a job agency workshop to make my resume to look more professional. She also helps me how to speak to the interviewer. Amazing. Yes. I’m lacking in the way I speak.
I feel so happy to meet my ex-mentor named RL. Then another pre-believer friend RC. They are surprised in the way I change my wearing. It looks business-like. After we decide to eat at Soup Spoon, another ex-mentor RR joins us. She shares about her friendly mother in law. Now, she rent a flat to stay in the same block with her mother in law but different level. She is so welcomed. I feel so happy for her. Then her church friend explain the meaning of the Chinese word, “平安”. When remove the roof of the “安”, it means woman. So only one woman is in charge of the household. Rita Liu shares that she can’t stay with her mother in law. I understand. Then it is my turn to share. I laughingly share the summary of my experiences. I extremely agree that one woman needs to be in charge. The problem is I am too soft to let my in law stay together with my parents. RR understands my family condition in house purchase issue. To add the matter worse, I tend to let go of my control. Thus land me in the mess. Until I run away from home twice. They look shocked. Then they are concerned the year I run away from home. Without thinking, I say it is 2013. Then I bare my feelings that I want to run to RL’s house. However, I hesitated. After RC returns to her office, RR and RL are concerned and ask my current status. I begin to share my hesitation to go for assessment and psychologist. But I listen and go the polyclinic to ask for referral letter to see the psychologist for assessment and treatment. They want me to update them. I feel touched.
When I think back, RL has a good partner though don’t stay with in law. She only visits them with her husband once in a while. Rusyinni gets along very well with her mother in law. RC does freelance business now with her friend. Now, She is a sub programmer with her programmer friend to develop eCommerce website so she doesn’t need to meet customer. I feel so happy for them to lead a good life.
Lord, please give another opportunity to attend today missed masterclass because I miss the cell group meeting.
I’m appreciative for Josefine to meet me at a train station and lead the way to PL’s house for cell group. LT welcomes us. SS is sitting at the table. We sit on the table worshipping the Lord, read the a chapter of the book of acts then fellowship. I enjoy it and hear her clearly. She feels regretful for knowing the Lord earlier and not spending enough time with her husband before he passed away. Those words remind me of my business mentor mentioning her regret. It is not knowing the Lord before she married and to fail as a mother. Everybody shares their wish to correct their regrets. PL’s words are agreeable. Since it is impossible to turn the clock back, it is pointless to think about it. She has gone through the pain. It is enough to go through the pain once. Every different paths have their unique set of pain. Finally, my turn has come. I agree with PL and hope to finish it well. Suddenly, Shirley moves every member to pray for me. All hands are praying for me. I’m shocked for the words of prayer from her mouth. I have an obedient heart. The Lord will give me restoration. That’s the message I receive and understand.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Keep Me In The Dark About Myself
Behind closed doors
Parents and siblings
Discuss my mental condition worsen
Knowing my parents keep a secret
Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Prevent me from being hurt
Cause me more hurts
Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Someone points autism in me
Cause me more hurts
Choose to keep quiet
Refuses to worry my family
Struggling alone
Crying alone
My heart cry to the Lord
Inspiration On: Saturday, 28 November 2015
I just don’t understand God. All I think is to fulfill my vow to the Lord with my own $5000. Strange to be given part time job and office space. Yes. I make mistakes in my part time job for missing out some part of the instructions. Glad for my boss to tell me not to do anything except preparing the sales order and ask Chris for inventory clarification. It’s bad to to be under depression. Now I begin to understand those who are under depression.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Davidic Covenant
Today’s sermon on the message of ‘The Davidic Covenant – God’s Sovereignty and our Faithfulness’ from 2 Samuel 7:1-17 speaks to me. His heart for God despite his failures and success reminds me of my business mentor ever told me that the Lord looks from the heart many times. I feel so small. When King David sins against the Lord, he is quick to seek God’s forgiveness and correct himself. When he reached the successful stage, he still think to build a temple for the Lord.
Being reminded of the dream of my business mentor accompanying me through the dark path comfort me. Her kind looks was guiding me through. That kind looks impressed my heart so much. It inspires me to feel like sketching her and give it to her. I just don’t know why.
I was inspired to write appreciation to my business mentor on her kindness at a social networking when I read a friend post on the topic ‘Stupid Phrases for People in Crisis’ with the quotes “Instead of saying “God wouldn’t give you more than you could handle,” you could say, “Let me come over and do some laundry””. Her actions justify the Bible and I almost feel so comfortable with her in being caring from her actions. She cares more than my mother though at times she spoke harshly due to me forgetting her words many times. The problem is I’m being too weak with people and let people to go over my boundary. Thus causing my motivation to work and the dire effect of work performance. I begin to understand myself better of my work performance can only reach to a certain level and I can’t reach my potential. Now, I begin to understand my business mentor’s words that there are too many people staying at my house. Thus causing dampen my potential and feel exasperated.
A business friend (BL) to come to my aid when my business mentor gives up mentoring me to give me deadline to complete the children’s book. Does it mean the Lord does not give up on me? Should I ask her, “what’s in it for you?”
Sensing His presence in my heart to learn that God is breaking generational curse through me. Not going to jail due to my mistake to partnership with Winston Chan. Similar situation of my grandfather to have someone rescue me to prevent me from entering into jail. He entered into jail due to signing contract blindly and being wrongly accused. My case was to partnership with an ex-colleague and immediately dissolved through my business mentor. I thank the Lord and appreciate her so much of her kindness. That’s the reason to let her get iPhone 6S through renewing my phone contract. If not due to this, I would have sold it in market price in order to earn income honestly. Because I need the money. However, I want to earn the money decently as according to the Bible. There’s nothing wrong for her to ask me, “what is my role to you?” twice. I feel speechless. When I answer her question she is like my mother, she said “No”. Is that why she blessed me and mentioned to me to find other business mentor? She had been my business mentor, business partner, qwasha and pressed on my acupoints to relieve my perceptual chronic migraine, guides me in my business fashion presentation, edit my writings, and pulling her hair in attempting to understand my speech. Yet she is not paid to mentor me and treat my acupoints. She looked so hurt to hear from me that my parents disagree on her qwasha on me. I feel so hurt for her to say that I treat her as a rubbish bin and her saying I was like a leech. I didn’t have such notion. Tell me, Lord, do I go overboard? My mother is not as detailed as her care for me.
Anybody, please tell me. Do I cross over the boundary? Do I feel too comfortable with her and share too much? Seems that I shouldn’t share too much about my family to her. I begin to share after she complains about her issues with her son and daughter in law. I begin to question myself. Why do people always to confide in me in their family issues? However, I am reminded of a screenwriter’s words that I know all the answer to life’s questions. Do I? Only the Lord can enable me to do so.
Inner Voice
A voice beneath the surface
Speaks
Echo into my
Inner being
Inner heart
Inner mind
Blessing me
With
Strength to arise
Inspiration On: Wednesday, 3 June 2015 at 3:50pm
It all begin with “a voice beneath the surface”. From there, more words come along to birth this poetry. I thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ to strengthen me and bless me with the inner strength to arise from my hurts. Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Feel Stupid for Being Naive
Being naive
To trust your initial words
Destroy my trusting hearts
My heart is dead
Whenever you repeat your mum’s words
Like a parrot
The way you play with my naiveness
I feel dejected whenever I remember
You seek me during courtship
To
Dazzle my eyes
With garland of flowers
Yet now you are different
All you care is yourself
Instead of investigating the truth
You sell yourself to lies
Living in someone’s influence
Third parties’ views are right
The fool is me for not believing them
My heart is dead
Thanks to you.
Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12:15pm
This is the third sequel to Why Do You? and If Not For Jesus poetry. Lori Carlson’s writing prompt challenge my heart and mind to birth this poetry. My heartbreak journey is stated clearly in my first poetry. The final line signify my sarcastic remarks to my blinded husband until my tears almost dry up. Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Yoshiko 