´╗┐Help in Balance

The one
Who seek my help
Fiercer than me
Quietly
Lend a helping hand
Care to help

Begin to a new realisation
Such a vicious cycle
An unbreakable pattern

A help cry to pay a bill
Due to overseas and reaching due date
Lending readily out of care
Promise to return it once return
I remind to pay continuous
The recipient demands its way to return

The fire inside me
Demands
Self-respect

The water inside me
Prevents
Fire from spreading like wildfire

The green nature inside me
Keeps
Water and fire in balance

The sunshine inside me
Enable
Cheerfulness despite heartache

Inspiration On: Sunday, 18 June 2016

I begin to realise about myself. I am questioning myself. Why do people tend to look down on me? Why those who ask for help speak disrespectfully to me? Yet I still care about them. After much thought, I am a people pleaser. Not just that, I also learn that Jesus is the One whom I want to please. The book about asserting myself helps me how to create a healthy boundary. I can still help others with the set aside time. Now I need to earn a living to care for my family and myself. Inside I still want to serve God. Do I overdo it, Lord? Wish you all have good days and thank you.

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Blessing in Willingness to Help

Willingly
Prayerfully
Lend my help
Dare not promise
High hopes of recovery
“I do my best”
Seeking God’s help

She initiates prayer for God’s intervention
Miracle of healing her only laptop
Amen to her prayers
Seeking the Lord’s hands upon it
Advise her laptop to the nearby service center
Her iPad slows down
His wisdom guides and leads me to speed it up

Her relieved look produces
Satisfaction
Joy
Into
My heart
Unexpectedly it solves my iPhone issues
God amazes me


Inspiration On: Friday, 18 March 2016

Today is such an amazing day. I feel so thankful to God and for today.

The discernment upon looking at Misa’s Sony Vaio laptop. Therefore I advise her to bring it to Sony service centre located at nearby mall. She initiates to pray for God to heal her laptop. So we pray together. Lord, please answer her prayer. In Yeshua’s name. Amen. Then she takes out her iPad Air 2. It slows down. Few apps only. So I advise her whether she is prepared for it to return to its original factory settings. She has no choice to do so. As I Google search it, I come across to restore to factory settings with MacBook. Amazingly, the Holy Spirit leads me to the part without computer. I go into the iPad Air 2 settings. Instead of resetting the content data and settings, I reset the settings. Out of sudden, her iPad Air 2 speeds up. Praise God! In the end, I feel compelled to apply it to my iPhone 5S. Upon resetting its settings, it stops prompting me that it runs out of space. God is amazing!

The animation school administrator sends me invoices and receipts. The school pays the remaining 10% of my school fees.

Overall, I feel so delighted to be of help to Misa. Through helping her, I get to know her better. Unexpectedly, my iPhone problem is also solved.

In the storyboard class, the teacher explains about children does their art through backward thinking. Somehow, it is lost upon reaching adulthood. I am surprised that I’m a “big kiddie” due to my backward thinking to solve problems. IC gives me such nickname. Again, he emphasises that he likes my drawing style. DB, my ex-client likes my style too. No wonder I feel so stifled at home. I feel being put down. No wonder my son also doesn’t like it. When he watches the television, my dad switches on the driller. Therefore, he complains that he can’t hear the television sound.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Help and Work

Seeking my help
Before I begin my job
Explain own experience on older computer
“Doing my best” attitude
Instead of bragging
Refuse to give high hopes
Trusting the Lord to bless the work of my hands

The more my parents probe on the interview
Sudden immediate reminder of
Past accomplishments
Speak out own fear in memorization subjects
Convict mum’s regrets
Dad confirms the course explanation
Skill and knowledge are important combination
The atmosphere turns well


Inspiration On: Thursday, 17 March 2016

Misa (my cell leader’s freelance hairdresser) begins to ask whether I know how to repair computer. Her computer is Windows 10. I want to help but unsure. So I tell her that I know how to repair Windows 8 and below. She doesn’t mind me to touch her three years Sony vaio laptop. She wants my help before I start my work. My migraine worsens. I need to listen to it to care my body. I want to say no. However, I feel that I need to help her. My heart gets the better of me again. So I choose tomorrow’s timing since she doesn’t see her messages.

During dinner with mum and dad, I begin to share on my doings and said in the interview. CMF lent me her computer repair books. It is acquired during her attending the computer repair course and acquired the certificate. I begin to confess that before I ever repair CMF’s computer. I can repair computer because I try it myself. Then I improve it by reading on those. Another confession is to teach her in programming logic. She said that she had passed it. I feel so happy. Then she confessed that she memorized it and amazingly it came out in her exam. So she wrote exactly on what I have written. I was shocked and glad the question came out. I understand about programming is because Supi and Mr. Tang explained the concept very well. Once I understand it, I choose programming subjects so that I can be exempted from memorization subjects.

Mum speaks out her regret again. If she knows earlier, she will let me stay at my own hometown to work with Supi who trains me. Too bad Supi went to another part of the country. Dad gives positive feedback that skill and knowledge goes hand in hand. They are shocked of CMF’s age same as my sister’s and husband’s age. Then I share what CMF said that she wishes JH and I to join her company. So that she can ask me on the computer skills she is lacking. Dad seems happy for me. It’s good if she and I can work together to complement each other. Then I am reminded of MLST that he points that all 5C combination are needed to reach higher position. I only manage to remember Character and Connection. Because I ask him, “Isn’t character more important than anything else?” He explains that all are needed. He reminds me of the Bible about the body. All the body parts are needed. Then I agree. I’m speechless. He also reminds me of KSA = Knowledge Skill Attitude. However, I remember it as ASK = Attitude Skill Knowledge. Hmm . . . What is God doing?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Frequency and Speed

Different frequency frustrates
Frustrating to put different personalities
With the same value

Frustrates one another
Until both are having a hard time
Bearing one another in love

Having the resolution
To resolve the conflict in
Christ’s love and forgiveness
Amicably


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 12 January 2016

My business mentor sends me a text message, “Praise the Lord that your hubby is attending church with you. Keep praying for breakthrough for him to be touched by God’s amazing love.”

“I hope so,” responding in hope.

“Patience. Declare and proclaim. God is working. Faith is not what we see but believe.” She encourages.

I answer, “Yes. The faith needs to be in accordance to His will.”

“Surrender your will to Him and let His will be your will.” she responds in faith.

Next I share, “I also got alarmed by the dream on Saturday midnight to morning before I attend class. Thank God for the unexpected arrangement.”

Full of her assumptions, “Hope you had shared in the post encounter class.”

“Not yet.” I answer immediately.

“Why not?” She wonders.

I’m explaining, “When everything is cleared first.” Then I testify thankfully, “My husband readily brought our son to nearby mall. My son pestered him to go.”

“Not your wisdom that you thing everything will be cleared first.” She advises.

I know it already so I answer, “Yes. Not my wisdom. Until everything comes to pass first.” Then I continue, “Then meet SS who brought us to church. I thank God to break his strong presumptions about the church at suntec. I explain to him also can’t accept. He strongly presumes that the churches at suntec are materialistic.”

“Up to you,” her response to my previous topic.

So I continue, “I try to explain more about God also can’t listen. Great for the sermon. Beyond persecution. He seems speechless. He has nothing to say. Thank God.”

“It is God who speaks not the pastor and God who causes the eye of his heart to be convicted and ears open!” She corrects. Then she questions, “What made him speechless?”

“Yes. It is God. I can only do my part. he has nothing to say against the Protestants. Great. And I thank God for that. I can relate and understand the message clearly. I thank God to help me during post encounter.” I clarify.

So fast in her opinion, “Share your dream and not think in your own wisdom you want to wait for everything to clear.”

“He enables me to point to the right verse for the given questions.” I continue on the post encounter.

She suggests, “If you wait it could be too late. As you share with the body of Christ, they can pray against the dream if it is not good or protection over you.”

“I don’t want to lose my husband. Unexpectedly, he goes to church. During intercessory prayer, I share it and the lady mentioned I need to share it to my cell leader. Then I share. They guide me to cast it down. Too soft.” I confess. My imagination guides my fingers however articulate it wrongly, “Can’t kick the devil away.” Kicking the devil away plays in my mind repetitively.

Abruptly she advises, “Never hesitate to share with your SS and CG.” She answers, “Never hesitate to share with your SS and CG.”

“Yes. SS says so.” I continue and explain further, “I realize the tone of my voice.”

So full of her opinion to get my wrong message, “By saying that you believe that Satan is greater than Jesus.”

“Nope.” I fed up in the way I express myself.

She corrects my thinking, “That what you feel by saying : Can’t kick the devil away.”

“Jesus’ authority and the tone of His voice,” I continue and feel frustrated to explain myself.

She does a screenshot of the wording, “There is power in the name of Jesus.”

“I have been thinking about the Bible,” I express.

She presses on, “The fact that you said : Can’t kick the devil away. That means you entertain the thought!” This is frustrating to talk to a fast person when I want to share about myself.

“It’s not. Can you please listen?” I plead.

Abrupt opinion, “Then can you please don’t say that!”

“Ok,” I answer instantly. Then I re-clarify, “I’m trying to say. I have been thinking about the Bible in how Jesus’ voice tone to cast out the devil.”

She says, “No, it was not what you said. The bible never said: Can’t kick the devil away.” I feel so tired talking to her and reply, “Yes”.

She exclaims, “But instead the bible cast out every demon!!!” So I apologize, “Sorry if I don’t express it correctly.”

I begin to understand the reason people misunderstands her. Because she ever asked me, “Why people misunderstand me?” She is too fast in her opinion rather than fully listen.

She pinpoints, “Don’t try to cover up your mistakes. If you don’t know something, admit you don’t know and not try to give people impression you know.” Her abrupt opinion again of me. When I don’t say I know.

“Can you please hear me out?” I plead again. Then I continue, “I have been thinking about the Bible. I am wondering about the tone of Jesus tone to cast out the devil. When Jesus rebuke the devil in Peter, “get thee behind me Satan.” In Matthew 16:23. That has been impressing my heart until now.”

Finally, she listens and responds, “Yes, and?” I feel so glad.

“Thinking about the tone of my voice.” I wonder.

She corrects, “Nothing to do with your tone of voice rather than the way of praying against the devil. How does a warrior fight? Gently or in authority?”

“In authority with love and compassion.” I’m thinking in terms of human interaction.

“You fight with the devil in love and compassion?!!!!” She loudly exclaimed. Then I realize she means spiritual realm until, “What rubbish are you talking about?”

“Nope. I thought is to hate sin but love enemy because God wants everyone to be saved. Do you mean the spiritual realm?”

“Frustrating talking to you!!! We have been taking about casting out devil!!!”

“Oh ok. No love and compassion to the devil,” I answer.

She poses a question, “You have?”

“Hatred to the devil.” I answer. Phew. This is so tiring.

Then I clarify, “Whenever I want to say something,

  1. At times thank God it is said clearly
  2. At times I feel so pulled and silenced
  3. At times I say it wrongly :(”

She expresses, “More than that : You need to stay focus on the topic and not talk about something else not related to it.”

“Got it. Thank you for this.” Finally to resolve this. Needing her voice to speak out I ask her, “Do you mind to record your voice? So that I can remember it much clearer. Thank you to do so.”

When I share about Matthew 16:23 to SS, my cell leader, I feel being heard.

I begin, “SS, I have been thinking about the Bible. I am wondering about the tone of Jesus’ tone to cast out the devil. When Jesus rebuke the devil in Peter, “get thee behind me Satan.” In Matthew 16:23. That has been impressing my heart until now.”

“What do you mean ‘Impressing’? disturb you? Or you feel He is so great to sense the devil behind Peter?” She questions.

I feel so validated and able to articulate, “I feel that He is so great to sense the devil behind Peter and can cast it away.”

“Don’t you know He is God in human form. He can even see through the heart,” she questions.

I feel better, “Yes. Those verses really makes me think a lot about Jesus.”

“Yes. What? You know He is God.” another question from her.

I comfortably answers, “Yes. He is fully God and fully Man.”

“Keep it up that He is God,” she encourages.

Thankfully I reply, “Yes. Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

It ends better. I begin to understand the frequency between my cell leader and I. After I clarify with my business mentor, suddenly my cell leader, “Hi! Tienny, would you like to join Business mentor and myself for worship on the 15Jan, this Friday at 10am at my shop? Thanks.”

“Sure, I reply instantly.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Mistakes After Mistakes

Lose observation skills
Misinterpret English instruction
Doing more than the required
Misunderstood her with previous client

Clouds of confusion
Clears with straightforward explanation
Only to realize
Being valued and trusted

Grief of being misunderstood
For high pay when I don’t ask for high pay
Doing nothing when I stoned
Due to arguing with my husband

That shows
My mental condition need to strengthen
Feed more in God’s Words
To strengthen my mental agility

Humble myself
Go for autism diagnosis
Open my mouth to seek help
Understand myself to manage myself


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 2 December 2015

I wish to tell my business mentor that my mum prays for someone to guide me in Singapore. I’m surprised the Lord hears her inner heart. Lord, please grant me the wisdom how to say it. Suddenly, I communicate with my mum via WhatsApp. I remind her about her words to have someone to guide me. I don’t even realize it much earlier. I tell her that the person is my business mentor and she appears before she prays about it. She is so silent about it.

“Why don’t you tell me?” She asks me. Then she continued, “You should tell me to save time.”

“When I tell my previous client his drawing is awful, he forces me to follow his.” I remember the past abuse.

She justifies herself, “I’m not him. You are taking it the wrong side of extreme.” That jolts me. Oh no! What happen to me? Why is the past haunting me? I’m awaiting the encounter session on Saturday and Sunday. I can’t stand such wrong perception.

Her two hands cover her face on the table. That posture reminds me of my business mentor’s posture at a school. Why? Why am I like this?

She explains the reason she passes her office key to me is her trust to me and let me do my work there. She clarifies that she values my expertise. She understands that I can’t put my things at the mobile office space. Therefore, she lets me use her space. When she needs creative work, she can find me and pay me for the work I have done. She values me as a business woman. I feel so valued. Furthermore, I feel so appreciative of her honesty as a friend, a client and an employer. Normally, she can get $12 per hour freelancers who are lacking experience. She pays me $15 per hour to value my expertise and professionalism. So she feels that we can’t work together anymore and she chooses to hire other freelancers. When I share this to mum and compare her with IC, I can sense her to be a good boss. She compliments me and appreciate my effort. When I do right, she compliments me. When I make a mistake, she gently explains herself repetitively. Her patient tone, “please, please, please” helps me to observe my wrong understanding of her words in WhatsApp. It is such simple words. How can I understand it wrongly? This is frightening. She can’t accept my apologies anymore. This is not so right. O Lord, please enable me to do what is right.

Though I feel slightly sad, I send her WhatsApp message on my way home, “I’m sorry to get confused. I value you also as a businesswoman. I look up to you in the way you manage the part-timers. I will just count the photo cleaning job. As a part-timer, I also need guidance.” I can understand she doesn’t want to shortchange me. There is no reply from her. Through this, I feel very frustrated with the devil. A strange black bald head with large eyeballs look at me hideously. Inside, I get so angry and kick that creature away.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Autism Assessment

An encouragement to go for
Professional autism assessment
Delays
Until I don’t want to hurt others unintentionally
Until I want to be helped and able to help others
Another one encourages me to assess
Then they can help

Business mentor highlights
So that I can manage myself better
That sentence strikes me to
Actions
To be independent

Two people encourage
Many encouragement thus
There is an inner
Courage to go for assessment
Explain to the doctor
My condition
My communication issue
My friends’ hard time to understand me


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Since my friend/boss hasn’t returned to Singapore and tells me to wait, I use the time to go to polyclinic. There is also polyclinic near the office. I reach office first to switch the aircon to maintain the clothes. Then I rush there. The registration counters open at 1:30pm. After registration, I see the doctor and repeat the written WhatsApp message, “may I have a referral to a qualified psychologist who can help me with autism diagnostic assessment?”. So that I can speak clearly. Then she asks many questions and my preference hospital. I have no preference so she assigns me to IMH. I can’t accept IMH so I request for another hospital nearer to central. A government hospital is the other selected hospital. I feel so relieved because I don’t want to have a mental labeling.

Then I have the courage to share my reflections to my business mentor. I realize my autism is worse after I get married. She questions, “Then how could you able to compare that your autism is worse after marriage.” After many reflections, I compare my current found out condition with my condition before marriage.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Problem Solving

Others need help
I readily lend my help
Solve their problems
Through listening then speak on their behalf
Problems are solved
They are happy
Even I am happy for them

My own problems paralyze me
Others lend their help
Solve my problems
Through listening and speak own my behalf
Amazingly my problems are solved
I feel so appreciative
They are happy for me


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Suddenly, my husband shows his concern and asks about the result of MacBookAir repair. I share as it is. I’m shocked for him to give me $300 to send for repair. He even mentions to give me November and December allowance in a given day. Wait for end of year sale to buy MacBookAir. He becomes so loving and gives me a kiss. Strange. How does God works? Does my dad’s words create a big impact in him? I can solve others’ problem. But I can’t solve my own problem until others offer their help. Embarrassing!

Wish you all have good days and thank you.