Always Screwed

Feel encouraged and appreciated
Receiving compliments and directness
Where to improve

Confessing to my Lord
All the hurts and pain
Betrayal feelings

Confessing to mature Christians
Seeking counsel to
Settle the dispute with those

Tend to sow discord
Making wrong to right
Right to wrong

Tired of such mental anguish from hell
Sense God’s goodness through others wish
The best for me through their acts of kindness

---

Inspiration On: Sunday, 31 January 2016

Looking at the time, I rush my son to eat. I got pissed off and scold him no need to go out with me. It is just a remark to rush him off. My brother shows his displeasure to leave him at home. I react and tell him off not to meddle my discipline. After I cut the meat in his bowl, he rushes into my room. So I run after him. Then he cries and asking me, “why do you always scold me?” That hurts me. I respond, “whenever I say gently, you don’t listen.” I already know that my mum always overwrite my discipline and even scold me in front of my son.

I don’t know how to say. I feel so appreciative of BL’s compliments and suggestions of my curriculum vitae. Her directness to tell me that I focus on the unimportant stuffs and to spread myself too thin. That’s what Perine Seah has been telling me. I enjoy the interaction with Tanvi whom she introduces as her researcher and even voiceover.

Another while I feel so hurt to know my mother in law and husband attempt to sow discord between my parents and I. It is due to their lack of insecurity and jealousy. I intercede for him not to be taken away. I just let God to do the judgement. I feel so tired of the struggle to intercede.

So I confess to Uncle WY, “Uncle WY, how do you handle someone who sows discord? I often comfort myself with their good points. I feel like a fool. Later on, I found out about it. I need more mature Christians who can guide me in this. Thanks.”

“May i call you tomorrow Mon 1st Feb at 12pm to pray with you how to handle those who sow discord? unc WY,” he responds.

Gratefully I respond, “Sure. Thanks a lot.”

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Truths and Hurts

Awakened to see
Everybody’s
True colours

Awakened to see and understand
Different perspectives, shoes and feelings
Sword of betrayal feelings hurts me deeply

Angst of ordeal pain
Due to being care too much
Letting everyone to cross over my boundaries

Always pointing my mistakes
Without knowing my worst feelings
Only care with their own opinions and feelings

Let God be the Judge
Learn to assert my boundaries with wisdom
Seeking God’s protection upon my boundaries

---

Inspiration On: Saturday, 30 January 2016

In the church service, they preach on the theme “Beyond Conflict” on how to resolve conflict in a biblical way and the examples of good points and the mistakes made between people. My heart is so hurting. At the altar call, I seek prayer to alleviate my mental stress, better manage myself and to find a job so that I can protect those whom I love. The intercessor comforts me of God’s presence in my hard times. I feel better then I fetch my son from the GKids. I feel so happy that he listens to instructions well during the community blessings. I thank the Lord for his heart.

I am shocked to realize the points I am disappointed with my husband. Dishonesty, lack of gratitude and commitment, manipulative, using my parents and ready to kick them away once our son reaches 3 years old, taking it for granted, think of himself and his own presumptions made me lose hope in my husband. Recently, he insists to let the helper to have her own way to return to her hometown instead of negotiating with her and choose to believe her excuse to return to her hometown. In the end, I have to bear the consequences of his decision. He still dares to say I don’t think for him. I have enough of his excuses. He thinks that handle maid is easy. Throughout the interaction with him, I have enough to deal with such personality who can make right to wrong and wrong to right. When my dad rebuked him gently, he regards it as bully him instead of accepting as a man’s responsibility. I heard it from our son talking to my mother in law on the phone. I have enough of this. Inside my heart, I feel so stupid to believe him. I have felt worst in my heart to let God down, let my parents down, my mistakes and failures, to cover his mistakes and to bear the consequences of his decisions. I feel so foolish to only see his good points to comfort myself. I also feel so foolish to care my mother in law’s feelings who later on backstab me from behind and using my husband. My husband fully listens to her every orders. Now, he is playing politics and attempting to take our son’s heart. Lord, I have enough of this. Now, I totally surrender my mother in law and my husband to you. I’m tired of the politics. No wonder it cause me mental stress and being torn in between. Lord, I just want to have peace of mind. Thank You, Lord, for Your divine meeting with Your committed followers. I feel so thankful for their support.

John Maxwell Leadership course definitely helps me a lot. I thank God for him and appreciate his business.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Mistakes After Mistakes

Lose observation skills
Misinterpret English instruction
Doing more than the required
Misunderstood her with previous client

Clouds of confusion
Clears with straightforward explanation
Only to realize
Being valued and trusted

Grief of being misunderstood
For high pay when I don’t ask for high pay
Doing nothing when I stoned
Due to arguing with my husband

That shows
My mental condition need to strengthen
Feed more in God’s Words
To strengthen my mental agility

Humble myself
Go for autism diagnosis
Open my mouth to seek help
Understand myself to manage myself

---

Inspiration On: Wednesday, 2 December 2015

I wish to tell my business mentor that my mum prays for someone to guide me in Singapore. I’m surprised the Lord hears her inner heart. Lord, please grant me the wisdom how to say it. Suddenly, I communicate with my mum via WhatsApp. I remind her about her words to have someone to guide me. I don’t even realize it much earlier. I tell her that the person is my business mentor and she appears before she prays about it. She is so silent about it.

“Why don’t you tell me?” She asks me. Then she continued, “You should tell me to save time.”

“When I tell my previous client his drawing is awful, he forces me to follow his.” I remember the past abuse.

She justifies herself, “I’m not him. You are taking it the wrong side of extreme.” That jolts me. Oh no! What happen to me? Why is the past haunting me? I’m awaiting the encounter session on Saturday and Sunday. I can’t stand such wrong perception.

Her two hands cover her face on the table. That posture reminds me of my business mentor’s posture at a school. Why? Why am I like this?

She explains the reason she passes her office key to me is her trust to me and let me do my work there. She clarifies that she values my expertise. She understands that I can’t put my things at the mobile office space. Therefore, she lets me use her space. When she needs creative work, she can find me and pay me for the work I have done. She values me as a business woman. I feel so valued. Furthermore, I feel so appreciative of her honesty as a friend, a client and an employer. Normally, she can get $12 per hour freelancers who are lacking experience. She pays me $15 per hour to value my expertise and professionalism. So she feels that we can’t work together anymore and she chooses to hire other freelancers. When I share this to mum and compare her with IC, I can sense her to be a good boss. She compliments me and appreciate my effort. When I do right, she compliments me. When I make a mistake, she gently explains herself repetitively. Her patient tone, “please, please, please” helps me to observe my wrong understanding of her words in WhatsApp. It is such simple words. How can I understand it wrongly? This is frightening. She can’t accept my apologies anymore. This is not so right. O Lord, please enable me to do what is right.

Though I feel slightly sad, I send her WhatsApp message on my way home, “I’m sorry to get confused. I value you also as a businesswoman. I look up to you in the way you manage the part-timers. I will just count the photo cleaning job. As a part-timer, I also need guidance.” I can understand she doesn’t want to shortchange me. There is no reply from her. Through this, I feel very frustrated with the devil. A strange black bald head with large eyeballs look at me hideously. Inside, I get so angry and kick that creature away.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Autism Assessment

An encouragement to go for
Professional autism assessment
Delays
Until I don’t want to hurt others unintentionally
Until I want to be helped and able to help others
Another one encourages me to assess
Then they can help

Business mentor highlights
So that I can manage myself better
That sentence strikes me to
Actions
To be independent

Two people encourage
Many encouragement thus
There is an inner
Courage to go for assessment
Explain to the doctor
My condition
My communication issue
My friends’ hard time to understand me

---

Inspiration On: Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Since my friend/boss hasn’t returned to Singapore and tells me to wait, I use the time to go to polyclinic. There is also polyclinic near the office. I reach office first to switch the aircon to maintain the clothes. Then I rush there. The registration counters open at 1:30pm. After registration, I see the doctor and repeat the written WhatsApp message, “may I have a referral to a qualified psychologist who can help me with autism diagnostic assessment?”. So that I can speak clearly. Then she asks many questions and my preference hospital. I have no preference so she assigns me to IMH. I can’t accept IMH so I request for another hospital nearer to central. A government hospital is the other selected hospital. I feel so relieved because I don’t want to have a mental labeling.

Then I have the courage to share my reflections to my business mentor. I realize my autism is worse after I get married. She questions, “Then how could you able to compare that your autism is worse after marriage.” After many reflections, I compare my current found out condition with my condition before marriage.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Harsh Tone Hurts

My business partner is also my business mentor. Her tone and expression confuse me. Though I know she cares, her expression confuses me. So I learn to tell her that. But she judgmentally says I’m like her daughter in law to read her body language. I’m hurt to hear that. I don’t mean that. When she says that she has been telling me something in an angry tone, I realize that I can’t stand being antagonised.

I thought there is someone who wants to understand me and encourage me to speak up. But when I speak, I don’t feel accepted. Most likely, I can’t stand people who immediately jump to their conclusion. “Are you able to pay Olivia Loh Ing?” Her harsh tone hurts my heart awfully! It is so unwelcoming! It is not encouraging me to speak. It is so judgmental. It hurts me a lot, Lord. When I am prepared to come out with the little money I have, she seems to antagonize me. She feels that startups are supposedly to hire volunteers to do the animation project. This is distressing. Where should I go first? What should I do? Why do my brain reducing? Is it due to my family members always discourage me to work? Is it also due to my perpetual chronic migraine cause me to slowdown? I can sense from her tone that she feels she has been giving me ideas for the logo design. She feels that the three logo pictures she sends are the best from among all my researched logos. I’ve researched the how to design logo again. I never expect she also browses upon it and sends it to me. When she questions me about it, I feel speechless. I don’t know how to explain it in words. Yet she jumps to conclusion that I don’t do my research. This is so distressing. It hurts. Though I am thankful for her help, it’s so judgmental. I feel so lonely yet can only forgive her just as my Lord Jesus has forgiven me. Throughout my life, I feel so hurt. Is it due to I care too much? Is it due to forcing myself too hard? Why am I the one who often being put down? In the family and when I go out to find work and start to do business. My motto is to stand on my value and encourage others. I disagree in putting others down.

Lonely Life

Loneliness residing inside
Despair in life
Living in this lonely world
Though I seek to understand others

Full of ravaging wolves
Preying on my caring hearts
Wounding it to the core

Lacking understanding hearts
Produce deflectors
Causing

One feet forward yet half feet backward
Towards my destination
Confusions are battling within

Now
Wishing to be invisible
Resting from many labours

---

Inspiration On: Tuesday, 17 March 2015 at 4:45pm

My many mistakes hurt my heart. It is the mistake to care others yet others do not seek to understand me. Though some nice people encourage me to move forward, some even deters me from moving forward. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Daunt Flaunt Haunt Taunt

Haunted by the past
Daunted by the future
Taunted by those who know-it-all
Can’t stand those who flaunt arrogantly

Is life full of the haunted past pains?
Do future life is daunted with fear?
Why do we are taunted by others?
Who want to be flaunted?

No wonder the world is full of hurts.

---

Inspiration On: Friday, 29 November 2013 at 9:40pm
Inspiration Ends On: Thursday, 7 August 2014 at 1:38pm

Toni Andrukaitis’ email of concern helps me to work on my writing block. Her recent post What the heck Wednesday helps me to get up again. Flipping to my writing blocks, more inspiration comes through past experiences and my fear feelings of the future. Thank you, Toni, for your concern. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Voiceless

Brushing own opinion aside
Casting own voice away
Dragged by others’ decision
Am I voiceless?

Too caring?
Too concern?
Living in accordance to others’ voice
Am I voiceless?

Unwilling to hurt others’ feelings
But I am hurting inside
Alive but voiceless
Losing myself
Loneliness rule

Voicing out
Only to be rejected
Only to be misunderstood
Loneliness rule

Taken for granted?
Taken advantaged?
Loneliness rule
Am I voiceless?

Am I voiceless . . . ?
Are my opinions worthless?
Does ………
……. anybody
……………….. care?

---

Inspiration On: Monday, 21 April 2014 from 12:45am to 4:38am

Current upheaval life from inside and outside rubbed salt into my past pain and worsened it deeply. Thus, such feelings evokes and birthing out this poetry. Wish you all have good days and thank you for reading my poetry.

Dark Jungle

Living in the jungle
Jungle of darkness
Prison of isolation
Rejected
Starving love
Beware of the lurking evil

Dark sharp pointed hands
Knock the door of minds
Possessing the hearts
Sowing seeds of darkness
Into the hearts and minds
Hatred breeds within

Bitter fruits bloom out
Out to lash innocent lives
Lives in dismay and destruction
More minds and hearts are
Smeared with questions and blood
Smeared with hurts and pains

An excruciating endless cycle
Are lives not precious?

---

Inspiration On: Sunday, 15 December 2013 at 12:14pm
Inspiration Ends On: Monday, 21 April 2014 at 3:17am

Understanding human’s psychology and the heartbreaking news of contaminated food, riots, and war summed this poetry. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Mentor Tormentor

Agony during
Trials Of tribulations
Stabbing sharp knives
Lashing hurts and pain
Deeply into hearts and minds
Most mentors behave like
Crazy tormentors towards disciple

Do tormentors hate disciple who make mistakes?
Are mentors tormented before when making mistakes?

Lamenting mentors remember tormenting days
Turn into tormentors once receiving disciples
Mentors, do you enjoy tormenting disciples?
Tormentors, why do you choose to be so?
Mentors, do you ever wish to be
Tormentors during tormenting days?

Doesn’t the agony tormentors’ mindset need to be eliminated?
To be effective mentors to guide disciples and/or students

---

Inspiration On: Friday, 23 August 2013 at 7:33pm
Inspiration On: Tuesday, 24 September 2013 at 10:11pm

Upon reading Pat Cegan’s poetry at http://patcegan.wordpress.com/2013/08/23/making-my-own-mistakes/ , a concept popped out to express most circumstances that most mentors
are tormentors. But no words could describe until the last day of inspiration.