A lovely dove
Catch my attention
Marvel at its body shape and colour
How I wish to
Observe it closely
Make friend with it
Wondering about its symbol of
The Holy Spirit
Faith and hope
Inspiration On: Monday, 14 December 2015
At times, I spot on a dove flying pass. I have been wondering whether it stays somewhere nearby.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
A sudden surprise
A sister in Christ blesses me with
Haircut and hair wash
Another sister in Christ and her
Sense and point out
My body tightness means tense
Another perspective answers
Cause of my migraine
Anxiety disorder
A new discovery about myself
Sensitive nervous system
Towards new surroundings
Inspiration On: Friday, 11 December 2015
I almost want to make my way to SS’s hair salon. Suddenly, I am reminded to inform her before I go. Thank God she is going to her shop. Then I make my way there. It feels good to do my work at a different environment though there is a hairdryer sound. Inside I need help to get my structure back. Suddenly, SS gives me a new haircut and wash my hair. Msa is washing her a customer’s hair. It is my second time to go for hair wash. My whole body feel so tight. Msa and SS sense and point out I look tense. Am I so tense? Is that the cause of my chronic perpetual migraine? I wonder. Before I am married, I am not so tensed.
Upon returning home, my parents and brother like my new hairstyle. It suits me more. However, I feel that my face looks more roundish.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Receive beautiful melodious music video
Remind the times with my son’s babyhood
Now is lesser time with him due to
Attempting to earn own income
Thinking of my business mentor
Who is full of suspicion towards her son
Wishing her and her son
Have good relationship
Sending it with a well intention wish
Intend to send to her mentee
Accidentally send to her
Due to same surname
Only to be misunderstood
I miss my mother
Her mentee understands my well intention
Giving a good feedback towards the
Music video dedicated to
Mothers
Inspiration On: Thursday, 10 December 2015
My mum sends music video dedicated to mothers. It sounds so beautiful and meaningful. Business mentor is the first person whom I send it to. Hoping she and her children can have a better relationship. But she misunderstands it that I miss my mum. The next person I send to is her mentee but I press My business mentor’s name accidentally. It is due to them having the same surname. This is so embarrassing.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Misunderstandings after misunderstandings
Many misunderstand my good intentions
Family members misunderstand me
Friend Boss misunderstand me too
My stoning due to family issue is treated as doing nothing
My behaviour and body language are
Inconsistent with
The intentions of my heart and mind
Few church friends understand me
Two ex-mentors and a pre-believer understand me
Prayers of blessing from church members
Encouragements from the body of Christ
Comfort my
My aching heart
My allegiance to my Lord and Saviour
Inspiration On: Thursday, 3 December 2015
Suddenly, in the morning my boss/friend finally replies, “You don’t need to apologise. I think it was clear when I offered you the hourly part time was because I value your time as another start-up business owner, we understand how valuable time and resource are. So I thought it was perfect solution for both. I need someone who knows design and you need working space. For the hourly pay I am paying you I expected giving you business owners’s guidance ie how to use your design work into fashion retail and e-commerce but if what you need is hand holding then what you are asking is work for fresh graduate.” I feel so misunderstood. I want a business owner’s guidance. Why should she add the word ‘but’? Her assumptions that I am looking for a full time $4000 to $5000 pay and she can’t give it. Those two assumptions deeply hurt me. What should I do, Lord? I have done the mistakes due to family issues. How do I rectify the issue? Is it too late? Are You opening another door for me? Though I want to explain myself, it is pointless to explain. I just treat it as my focus back to media and back to fulfill my vow to the Lord.
Suddenly, the sight of a flying dove catches my attention. Is there a dove rearer in Singapore?
Since I reach an MRT station earlier, I choose to go to to the workplace advisory. The career consultant questions me. I explain the diverse freelance projects I have done. Then she manages to nail down my unique value proposition. It is to add value to the companies. Then she refers me to a job agency workshop to make my resume to look more professional. She also helps me how to speak to the interviewer. Amazing. Yes. I’m lacking in the way I speak.
I feel so happy to meet my ex-mentor named RL. Then another pre-believer friend RC. They are surprised in the way I change my wearing. It looks business-like. After we decide to eat at Soup Spoon, another ex-mentor RR joins us. She shares about her friendly mother in law. Now, she rent a flat to stay in the same block with her mother in law but different level. She is so welcomed. I feel so happy for her. Then her church friend explain the meaning of the Chinese word, “平安”. When remove the roof of the “安”, it means woman. So only one woman is in charge of the household. Rita Liu shares that she can’t stay with her mother in law. I understand. Then it is my turn to share. I laughingly share the summary of my experiences. I extremely agree that one woman needs to be in charge. The problem is I am too soft to let my in law stay together with my parents. RR understands my family condition in house purchase issue. To add the matter worse, I tend to let go of my control. Thus land me in the mess. Until I run away from home twice. They look shocked. Then they are concerned the year I run away from home. Without thinking, I say it is 2013. Then I bare my feelings that I want to run to RL’s house. However, I hesitated. After RC returns to her office, RR and RL are concerned and ask my current status. I begin to share my hesitation to go for assessment and psychologist. But I listen and go the polyclinic to ask for referral letter to see the psychologist for assessment and treatment. They want me to update them. I feel touched.
When I think back, RL has a good partner though don’t stay with in law. She only visits them with her husband once in a while. Rusyinni gets along very well with her mother in law. RC does freelance business now with her friend. Now, She is a sub programmer with her programmer friend to develop eCommerce website so she doesn’t need to meet customer. I feel so happy for them to lead a good life.
Lord, please give another opportunity to attend today missed masterclass because I miss the cell group meeting.
I’m appreciative for Josefine to meet me at a train station and lead the way to PL’s house for cell group. LT welcomes us. SS is sitting at the table. We sit on the table worshipping the Lord, read the a chapter of the book of acts then fellowship. I enjoy it and hear her clearly. She feels regretful for knowing the Lord earlier and not spending enough time with her husband before he passed away. Those words remind me of my business mentor mentioning her regret. It is not knowing the Lord before she married and to fail as a mother. Everybody shares their wish to correct their regrets. PL’s words are agreeable. Since it is impossible to turn the clock back, it is pointless to think about it. She has gone through the pain. It is enough to go through the pain once. Every different paths have their unique set of pain. Finally, my turn has come. I agree with PL and hope to finish it well. Suddenly, Shirley moves every member to pray for me. All hands are praying for me. I’m shocked for the words of prayer from her mouth. I have an obedient heart. The Lord will give me restoration. That’s the message I receive and understand.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Lose observation skills
Misinterpret English instruction
Doing more than the required
Misunderstood her with previous client
Clouds of confusion
Clears with straightforward explanation
Only to realize
Being valued and trusted
Grief of being misunderstood
For high pay when I don’t ask for high pay
Doing nothing when I stoned
Due to arguing with my husband
That shows
My mental condition need to strengthen
Feed more in God’s Words
To strengthen my mental agility
Humble myself
Go for autism diagnosis
Open my mouth to seek help
Understand myself to manage myself
Inspiration On: Wednesday, 2 December 2015
I wish to tell my business mentor that my mum prays for someone to guide me in Singapore. I’m surprised the Lord hears her inner heart. Lord, please grant me the wisdom how to say it. Suddenly, I communicate with my mum via WhatsApp. I remind her about her words to have someone to guide me. I don’t even realize it much earlier. I tell her that the person is my business mentor and she appears before she prays about it. She is so silent about it.
“Why don’t you tell me?” She asks me. Then she continued, “You should tell me to save time.”
“When I tell my previous client his drawing is awful, he forces me to follow his.” I remember the past abuse.
She justifies herself, “I’m not him. You are taking it the wrong side of extreme.” That jolts me. Oh no! What happen to me? Why is the past haunting me? I’m awaiting the encounter session on Saturday and Sunday. I can’t stand such wrong perception.
Her two hands cover her face on the table. That posture reminds me of my business mentor’s posture at a school. Why? Why am I like this?
She explains the reason she passes her office key to me is her trust to me and let me do my work there. She clarifies that she values my expertise. She understands that I can’t put my things at the mobile office space. Therefore, she lets me use her space. When she needs creative work, she can find me and pay me for the work I have done. She values me as a business woman. I feel so valued. Furthermore, I feel so appreciative of her honesty as a friend, a client and an employer. Normally, she can get $12 per hour freelancers who are lacking experience. She pays me $15 per hour to value my expertise and professionalism. So she feels that we can’t work together anymore and she chooses to hire other freelancers. When I share this to mum and compare her with IC, I can sense her to be a good boss. She compliments me and appreciate my effort. When I do right, she compliments me. When I make a mistake, she gently explains herself repetitively. Her patient tone, “please, please, please” helps me to observe my wrong understanding of her words in WhatsApp. It is such simple words. How can I understand it wrongly? This is frightening. She can’t accept my apologies anymore. This is not so right. O Lord, please enable me to do what is right.
Though I feel slightly sad, I send her WhatsApp message on my way home, “I’m sorry to get confused. I value you also as a businesswoman. I look up to you in the way you manage the part-timers. I will just count the photo cleaning job. As a part-timer, I also need guidance.” I can understand she doesn’t want to shortchange me. There is no reply from her. Through this, I feel very frustrated with the devil. A strange black bald head with large eyeballs look at me hideously. Inside, I get so angry and kick that creature away.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
An encouragement to go for
Professional autism assessment
Delays
Until I don’t want to hurt others unintentionally
Until I want to be helped and able to help others
Another one encourages me to assess
Then they can help
Business mentor highlights
So that I can manage myself better
That sentence strikes me to
Actions
To be independent
Two people encourage
Many encouragement thus
There is an inner
Courage to go for assessment
Explain to the doctor
My condition
My communication issue
My friends’ hard time to understand me
Inspiration On: Tuesday, 1 December 2015
Since my friend/boss hasn’t returned to Singapore and tells me to wait, I use the time to go to polyclinic. There is also polyclinic near the office. I reach office first to switch the aircon to maintain the clothes. Then I rush there. The registration counters open at 1:30pm. After registration, I see the doctor and repeat the written WhatsApp message, “may I have a referral to a qualified psychologist who can help me with autism diagnostic assessment?”. So that I can speak clearly. Then she asks many questions and my preference hospital. I have no preference so she assigns me to IMH. I can’t accept IMH so I request for another hospital nearer to central. A government hospital is the other selected hospital. I feel so relieved because I don’t want to have a mental labeling.
Then I have the courage to share my reflections to my business mentor. I realize my autism is worse after I get married. She questions, “Then how could you able to compare that your autism is worse after marriage.” After many reflections, I compare my current found out condition with my condition before marriage.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
I want Jesus
Loving Him by loving others
Giving myself too much
Completely drained
Only to realize
Refusing to follow my dad’s footsteps
End myself in his footsteps
Who is deprived of his potential
Repetitively saying
Never hurt his mother
Willingly give me away to my childless uncle
Who chooses my four years elder sister
Thus she blames our
Unwilling mother to gave her away
Instead of finding the truth
Refusing to follow my mum’s footsteps
End myself in her footsteps
Who stands on her feet
Protecting her children from emotional abuse
Being rejected as my dad’s wife
Unwillingly submit to my dad to
Either gave my sister or me away
My mother in law
My husband
Hurls humiliation
Accusations towards
My parents
My good intentions
Taking my soft heart for granted
With her crocodile tears
My dad’s good intention to rebuke my husband
Pointing the main problem in his
Mother’s psychological mindsets
Highlight the importance to
Guide own mum from wrong paths
Even sowing seeds of discords
Between my parents and I
Found it by finding the truth
Between my son and I
Found it through his words
That she is afraid to come here
Afraid my dad will call police to catch her
Why does she has to say such words to a kid?!
Why does she has such presumptions?!
Enough is enough
Enough is enough
Lord, I feel so drained
Being pushed away and head knocks onto bedside
Shows his lack of self-restraint
I need to protect my boundary in Christ’s strength
Only want His will in my life
Inspiration On: Monday, 30 November 2015
I feel so worse for not being able to understand other people’s simple English message. After many repetitions of explaining the same words, then I begin to understand the message. Why is it like this? During my single days, I feel much happier and my English comprehension is better. Now, my understanding level slows down. I feel so upset. Until I tell mum that dad isn’t totally correct. He feels reading books are useless. In fact, it helps my inspiration. What’s wrong with me reading books? In fact, I do too much and repeat the same mistakes. Reading books can inspire and help me to solve in the things I do. When I tell mum about my slow comprehension, my brother comes out trying to help. Then he asks whether I need them to help me to understand the message or just for me to share. I answer to share out my frustrations.
Deep inside I feel exhausted due to loving my parents too much and want to protect them and make them happy. So when dad mentioned that girls no need to study high. Girls just need to get married. Does he ever bother to care about my thoughts? All he can is to put me down. What is wrong to do creative work? Is it because he can’t get the mechanical job thus he put his opinion onto me? Most likely. Finally, I blurt out my findings one year ago. The reason wives are abused due to their parents quickly marry them off. Many parents don’t see the importance to let their grown up daughters to gain financial independence.
Deep down in my core, I feel so dampened and helpless for not being able to protect my parents financially, to let them suffer humiliation with me and lesser times with my five years son.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Cheerful
Leaping with joy
Easy to socialize with other children
Easily perspire
Loving to others
Fruits of my prayers for him
Manifest and brings blessings to others
Fruits of joy
Inspiration On: Sunday, 29 November 2015
Everybody feels that my son is adorable and sociable. The autistic teacher advises me to pray for him since foetus and bring him to Sunday school. It is a spiritual food for him. I’m glad I’m doing it for him to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour. His cheerfulness makes everybody so happy. I never expect Irene to tell that I am a praying mother.
Suddenly, he buys and gives me a can of Nescafé. Strange. Where does he gets the money? After helping out to bring dessert into the function room, I can’t find him. So I ask and find him sitting with other children and their parents. I go over to bring food for him. Then I find out a surprising thing. Unexpectedly, a sister in Christ gives him $1 to let him decide who to give. Unexpectedly, he chooses to give to me. I thought he is going to give to my mother who spends a lot of time with him. I feel embar-rassed for him to eat most of the French bread without realizing it. SS feels that it is good to let him enjoy the food outside once in a while rather than forcing him to eat. I listen. When he asks for my purse to buy another can for daddy, SS tells him I didn’t bring. I feel so speechless.
It is time to go home. SS and Pamli walk together with me to the train station. I enjoy the conversation with Pamli and gets excited to hear her organizing ice skating outing. My son is so caring to the little girl whom he has been playing at the playground. He let her to sit on his lap. He is also considerate and helpful to observe I have been pushing the trolley. So he pushes the trolley for me on our way home. I feel so happy to see him treats others well. At home he is so exhausted.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Behind closed doors
Parents and siblings
Discuss my mental condition worsen
Knowing my parents keep a secret
Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Prevent me from being hurt
Cause me more hurts
Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Someone points autism in me
Cause me more hurts
Choose to keep quiet
Refuses to worry my family
Struggling alone
Crying alone
My heart cry to the Lord
Inspiration On: Saturday, 28 November 2015
I just don’t understand God. All I think is to fulfill my vow to the Lord with my own $5000. Strange to be given part time job and office space. Yes. I make mistakes in my part time job for missing out some part of the instructions. Glad for my boss to tell me not to do anything except preparing the sales order and ask Chris for inventory clarification. It’s bad to to be under depression. Now I begin to understand those who are under depression.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Others need help
I readily lend my help
Solve their problems
Through listening then speak on their behalf
Problems are solved
They are happy
Even I am happy for them
My own problems paralyze me
Others lend their help
Solve my problems
Through listening and speak own my behalf
Amazingly my problems are solved
I feel so appreciative
They are happy for me
Inspiration On: Wednesday, 25 November 2015
Suddenly, my husband shows his concern and asks about the result of MacBookAir repair. I share as it is. I’m shocked for him to give me $300 to send for repair. He even mentions to give me November and December allowance in a given day. Wait for end of year sale to buy MacBookAir. He becomes so loving and gives me a kiss. Strange. How does God works? Does my dad’s words create a big impact in him? I can solve others’ problem. But I can’t solve my own problem until others offer their help. Embarrassing!
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Yoshiko 