7 Things You Need To Learn About Autism is an opener and gives me a clearer perspective about myself and the reason I behave. However, I still believe in my Lord Jesus Christ to heal my chronic migraine. The more 2 Corinthians 12:9 speaks into my heart, “ “My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Tag Archives: Journey
My Current Helper’s Feelings
Oh no! Oh no! Why do I say, “I can understand KJV better”? Lord, do I really say that? My business mentor and my cell leader heard it. How come I forget? Normally, I don’t forget on what I have said. So I clarify with her. She explains, “You insisted on using KJV which baffles us. It is very frustrating and difficult to mentor someone who is not humble enough to want to learn and insist her own ways. You said you enjoy reading it like poetry in psalm.”
I answer relating to my past, “Before I use NIV with my ex-mentor then KJV. Then I read other versions.”
“Bible is the breath of God who speaks to us and helps to know who He is. It is not about reading poetry.” She explains.
I reply, “Sorry. Yes. Bible is the breath of God.”
“I don’t even use KJV for it is not easy to grasp let alone you!!” She exclaims.
I explain myself, “Before I have been attending Christian arts group. Most of them are poets. Maybe I caught their bug.”
“How to mentor you if you ‘stubbornly’ insist your ways!!!” She raises her voice.
I am confused, “Huh?”
“Bible is not poetry. And you are not even a poet.” She insists her own perceptions. Lord, I give up on her ready. Now, I begin to see the clearer picture. When my mother questions my helper, she replies so softly. I heard her soft reply. However, my mum didn’t hear it and scolded her. Now I begin to understand my position. Maybe I shouldn’t be with finance people, Lord.
I explain myself, “Now I am reading it again. Don’t you ever mention that my English needs improvement? I hope that can help me to improve my English.”
“Don’t you ever speak to me that way!!! Improve what English when you don’t even want to ask questions despite me advising you for months!!! Ask questions and find out before getting me insulted by that Malay hooligan and letting yourself being used by him. Yet you can still speak for him!!!” She raises her voice. That immediately makes me cry. No wonder my helper doesn’t want to continue her work. Lord, should I say the reason people misunderstand her?
Suddenly, I want her to wake up to her senses by sharing my current life situation. I begin, “I apologize for doing such mistake. And learn to correct myself.” Then I continue, “Now I have an issue with my helper. She insisted to return to her hometown. When my mother questions my helper, she replies so softly. I heard her soft reply. However, my mum didn’t hear it and scolded her. Now I begin to understand her position well enough. No wonder I feel the reason you sound like my mum.” Lord, should I tell her that IC and BL misunderstand her? They are offended by her too?
Suddenly, she sounds so angry, “I have enough of your bullshit. What’s the use of apology when you kept arguing with me despite me cautioning and advising you time and time again!!! And acted against my guidance.” This really hurts me so much.
Instead of being hurtful, I learn to explain myself in a nice way, “Does it mean I can’t even explain myself? Am I always being accused by everyone’s opinions?” Lord, I have enough of this too. Even I feel tired. She is so hurtful and too opinionated. Now, I begin to see the clearer picture, Lord. Suddenly, I remember that she shares happily to find a life partner. I can only end it nicely to her about my prayer for her, ” I’m glad and happy for you that you can find your life partner. I’m glad for the Lord to answer my prayer.” This is the problems between the older generation with the younger generation. Lord, she is so hurting. I have enough with her too.
I have been crying my heart out to the Lord. Thirsty and need the toilet. After I drink a cup of water, I enter into the bathroom. My eyes are red in bloodshot. Suddenly, there is A voice in my head speaking, “Don’t lose yourself over her.” I answer, “Yes, Lord.”
Push My Button
Meaning well without understanding
Claiming to understand me
Presumptions take over
Push my button
Learn to be assertive
Confronting her assumptions with facts
The cause of wives abuses
Stopping her wrong thinkings
Grateful for husband to check on
Maid employment agencies
Letting him to own the responsibility
He speaks out
We are getting back together
Only certain part I will do
Our son seeks for cooling bed
He voices out
Remove the mattress protection
Push my button
I resolve and explain the difficulty and
Time consuming to dry the mattress
Our son seldom urines
I speak out on the helper’s productivity
My response is based on facts
Increase our helper’s productivity
Stopping the talker passing responsibilities
To me and the helper
Being the doer suffer the consequences of
Walking the talkers’ assumptions without basis
Cleaning the mess of mistakes
Inspiration On: Monday, 4 January 2016
By faith, I proclaim the prayer for my husband. Then I realize God has done it before I receive the proclamation prayer from SS. I almost can’t believe it. It has happened and I thank God for it. Then I share His blessings to SS. She praises God and encourages me to continue. When we arrive Thomson Medical Centre, mum requests the doctor to do urine tests for the stated health report. I need to learn in this. I thank the Lord and appreciate her to show it. During waiting for gynae, we go for lunch at nearby cafeteria. We wait for 3 hours and see doctor Tan Wee Khin. Wow! She looks much better in her hairstyle. The nurse does papsmear. Doctor Tan checks my breasts and womb. My womb is very good. She asks my age and encourages me to have another one if I want to. Mum shows my health report to her about the urine issue. She comforts mum that drinking more water can solve the issue.
When we are waiting for the bus, mum tells me something I can’t remember. It pushes my frustrated button.
Inside I feel that I have never been so humiliated in my life. I do my best to love my parents and listen to their requests to get married first. Being fooled, humiliated and labeled by my husband and my mother in law. They also humiliate my parents. I can’t stand it and God sees and hears my prayers. I see His love and providence in projects work. I grabbed it desperately. Then my parents and siblings also label me badly. I do my best in ministry and work until I burnt out. See demons using my family members to shoot at me. The first one to get saved. Do they know it? All blame arrow points to me. Passing through my breastplate of righteousness. Causing mental breakdown. I also see God and satan at work through my friends. Thus it cause me a lot of confusion and lose trust in humans. However, I still can’t stop caring. Now, I am trying to discern and be prudent. My rright side head is more painful. Does she knows it?
I confront her of forcing me to use my right hand. Her perspective is to let me look like common people. Using left hand looks awful and have bad handwriting. I rebuff her with the facts I see that left handed people also have neat handwriting, good values and lead successful lives. Yes. I thank her perspective and effort. However, my left hand is writing and my right hand is writing too. It causes me the confusion. She ever mentioned to do business. When I want to do it, she and dad with my siblings go against it. They choose not to help and just want to see the results. Attempting to improve my communication skills and feel stuck, my business mentor had a hard time understanding me. I feel bad. Instead of soothing, they push me to the limit. They can only dissuade me. Until I voice out that I am more independent and much happier before I date and married. The reason many married women are abused due to their parents marry them away instead of letting them gaining financial independence. She asks where do I hear it from. Other people’s podcast.
After do my personality test, my empathy, loyalty and abstraction are high. Thus this cause my downfall to be taken advantage. At the same time, those are also my good points to care others as Jesus cares.
Then I confront her on my son’s discipline issue. When I discipline my son, I need her to collaborate instead of undermining my authority. Thus giving him the lack of respect for my authority as a mother. Is it so hard for her to tell it behind closed doors? The way she does is likened to the empress dowager’s control. She feels better to return to her hometown since I don’t like the way she does. I want her to respect my authority and stop her wrong ways. I am still committed to care her in her old age. Is it hard to receive correction? I explain to her the reason senior citizens can’t find job. It is due to them lack of respect towards younger bosses due to their pride. Finally, I still hold her hands.
Then she warns me “You should be have been careful with that Malay guy and insist on answers to basic questions!!!!”
I have resolved in my heart not to do work with him. He dared to made her look bad in the WhatsApp group and told me not to have baby sitter. She had stated clearly she and I are business partners. That shows his lack of respect and patience. Too bad I forget to tell her so I reply her, “Sure. Thanks a lot. I’m being wary now.”
“Please…. I don’t wish to waste my time talking to you!!”
“Anyway I’m still interested to apply for the creative agency job that SS’s CG member introduce.” I learn to clarify myself because I’m working on the portfolio.
I feel so frustrated with my slowness and mental agility. Until I seek for my CG’s prayer requests, “May I ask everybody’s prayer for mental agility. Because my mind is so clogged up. I have been doing my best to understand certain things by re-reading it more than four times. Thank you.” SS responds, “I decree and declare that you shall grow in wisdom and stature and have favor with God and man. The Spirit of the Lord will rest on you, the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.” By faith, “Amen. Thank you SS.” She explains, “Surrender all your thoughts and confusion at the foot of the Cross.” I thank her and feel so inspired.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
A flirting moaning laugh
Speaking good words
In order to get
What he wants
My body short hair
Can’t accept such personality
Inspiration On: Monday, 23 November 2015
Suddenly my husband speaks flirtingly. Then he continues that he checks from the internet that it is important to assure not to be always right. Next he asks the office location of my part-time job and my job scope. I feel so disgusted with his flirty smile though I laugh. Because I see people laugh.
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Today’s workshop for employment at Calibrelink. In the business etiquette and presentation, I begin to understand the different images of my business mentor. Every dressing counts to make oneself look presentable, welcoming, professional and different feelings. No wonder I get confused with her different dressings.
Meeting VW at the employment talk and workshop and she invites me to attend skin care products. Physically I feel so tired. So I have to say some other day and to return home to rest.
What is happening to my head? On my way home, my chronic migraine worsens again. Most likely, yesterday go out and today too. What’s gotten into my communication with Perine? She just can’t understand me. I have been trying to articulate myself. Is there any spiritual warfare?
I feel so vexed. All IC wants is cheap and free drawings and check other softwares. Every time I do it for free. This is so frustrating. Most probably, my business mentor feels this way. Ever since I get married, my psychological and spiritual life diminishing. Oh Lord, please deliver me.
An uncle (a brother in Christ) to call me, listen to my confession of sinning against Him for not listening to his nudging then he prays for me and assure me that God can heal autism. Since then I begin to sense God’s presence deep inside my heart. Then I humble myself to ask for help for career and for nearby cell group. We pray for Lih Shien’s and his mother’s salvation.
My mum informs me of a pastor in at the nearby church who ever prays for a sister in Christ. She wishes to stop quarreling with her husband. And it it stop. So I readily accept it. Unexpectedly, mum says out to make my husband a Christian by going to the pastor to intercede. Dad keeps quiet about it. From his body language and expression, he seems agreeable.
A friend picks me up at the mall then we go for the free make up lesson. Throughout the journey, the friend and I have a good conversation. She has visited my website and ask whether I am a writer. Her husband has lung cancer and regret not to convert to citizen. She is 60 years old. She doesn’t see the ingredients of any food and make up products. She has two sons. Her mother is bedridden so she puts the maid at her mother’s house and she has to do her household cleaning. She praises me that I can speak well during the workshop at the job agency. I answer that it is just nice. So she encourages me to attend toastmasters to learn public speaking and writing.
Strange that she doesn’t apply the make up upon herself. She let me do it.
Thank God not to feel hungry for not having dinner.
My business mentor answers my question to call WDA nearby my house. From there, I can hear the tone of frustration for her to repeat herself. I feel bad about myself to trouble her so much with my slowness. At night, she text message me about the talk by a lady Jew in SMU. From 5:30pm to 7pm. Oh no! I want to spend time with my son also. Most probably, I need to ask her to give me the summary.
Strange. When my business mentor gives up on me, another lady willingly bring me to toastmasters. What is God doing in my life?
Thank God and thankful for catching my business partner/mentor at the top seat looking fed up and not replying to my WhatsApp message whether she has reached the talk.
Thank God to meet my business mentor’s friend again whom she is helping. Glad for the amazing courage to immediately ask his business card. It’s like a prayer answered. Though he helps me to see the local media business sector is not good, I gently disagree. When he explains that the technology is driving animation, I disagree too. That shows he doesn’t understand about media. The way she chooses to let him does the talking clearly shows her rejection. He says that he shares his opinion to her friend on Frugal Innovation talk. It is not good enough because he has been in the professional trading industry for many years. She can’t accept it because she finds it good. Though I find it good, I’m okay to hear from another perspective. From him, I begin to see my business mentor’s role in his business. Her role is to talk to the banker. There is no partnership agreement.
After the talk, my business mentor brings her sister in Christ to the nearby Admin building. There she explains the adjustment process to wear high heel shoes and not to walk long hours. Because I tell her that I have a sprain and fall thrice on my way to Frugal Innovation talk. She is about to call her career consultant about the MacBookAir charger due to I can’t find it. Until there is tugging to call house. When dad sees the charger, I am reminded that yesterday I take it out of my bag due to taking my water bottle out. Oh no! Thank God that she hasn’t called her career consultant. When I ask her on her business partner’s Chinese name in his namecard, she harshly tells me to check it from the dictionary.
After the innovation talk, my business mentor introduces someone from a job search who gladly offers his help to assess my unique values to contribute to the company. So at night, I write a draft email and send it to my business mentor for correction. She replies, “Email is fine. Independence is writing yourself without relying on me.” It sounds angry to me so I ask her, “Why do you sound angry to me? Did I make you angry?” Her reply is, “This what I meant by independence in my WhatsApp last night.” I am speechless for her not to answer my question. Why? I can sense the rejection from her. Why am I always tossed around? O Lord, please have mercy on me.
Too bad to miss the earlier session of a workplace class due to fetching my son from the school bus. After lunch, I rush to the workplace agency for the Learning & Networking Fair. Upon reaching the place, I am confused that it is not a workshop. I only see an opened door where there are booths of companies awaiting to search for talents. So I prayerfully approach selectively to focus on the areas I have some and more experiences. Amazing and praise the Lord to have the media company. So I approach them to explain about my freelance experiences dealing with analytical, conceptual translated into design skills. I’m surprised they would like to have my resume. Oh no! Thank God that they are anticipating for my resume.
In the ‘Connecting with Multi-Generational Workplace’ Programme, it is time for every table is assigned with an exercise to brainstorm 10 ideas on enabling the older generations to connect with the younger generations. There are three senior citizens whom I sit together. We brainstorm the ideas together and I enjoy sharing my ideas based on my experiences. They laughingly appointed me to be their representative speaker. I feel so speechless and reluctant. Reluctantly I accept the responsibility. I feel so small and inexperienced to do so. However, I enjoy listening to other groups presenting their ideas. When it is my groups turn, I stand up, read the idea points and share my experiences. Those are my experiences working in the ex-shipping company and at home to handle my 5 years old son. I feel my joy to share the good points mum does to share to Huey and also the good points he does to stand up from his chair and let my mum to sit because she is old. Huh? The speaker mentions my name to have the best point in the way to communicate and connect. The picture that often dwells in my head is of a pet dog who cares for everyone and listens to everyone. I just love to listen to people.
At the end of the Programme, one of the senior citizen named Virginia invites me to her toastmaster. I feel that toastmaster sounds familiar but I can’t remember it’s meaning. Virginia mentions it is the place to practice public speaking. I am shocked and full of questions. What is God doing in my life? It is enough to push my button to ask the speaker for help in my communication skills. I am so thankful for the speaker to lead me to the website for the government course to improve my communication skills.
I feel upset to hear from my business mentor that she leaves the library. I don’t have the opportunity to meet her. In the end, I go to the library at the third floor. After I borrow the networking videos, I come out of the library to look for a seat to have my dinner. While I am having my dinner, someone confronts me gently whether I’m from another country. I’m not. She explains the library doesn’t allow to consume food. Huh? I thought I’m outside the library to have a sit. So I hurriedly finish my packed dinner. Then I observe the notice board that the sitting area is still considered the library vicinity. Oh no! And there is a camera. I’m really sorry, Lord. I didn’t mean to do so. My imagination runs wild of being caught. I don’t want to be caught and trouble my business mentor to rescue me. And I don’t want to be labelled as an autistic who misunderstand social cues. I want to be treated as normal human.
So I rush to the networking event my (business mentor introduced) around Tanjong Pagar. My feet are aching to wear the ladylike working flat cream colour shoes. All along I have been wearing boots. Most probably I am a social misfit girl who is struggling to grow up in terms of looking professional. I believe in the Word of God that He cares the inner character values compared to exterior. So I attempt to live out His Words without quoting His Words. My busines mentor’s feedback to wear professionally is essential in business. My beautiful philosophical writings and her view of me in person show a great inconsistency. In person, I look like a big kid in terms of my clothing and verbal speech. Now, I am learning to dress professionally for the sake of God, my family and son.
Mustering my courage, prayerfully I introduce myself and explain that I am a startup looking for partnership and volunteers. That’s what my business mentor taught me to say. This is so humbling due to financial and human resources limitations. I feel so embarrassed of myself to say so. It’s great to meet creative people and the connection with them. My lost self being begin to rejuvenate. A westerner compliments my style of coat. Thank God for the flowness of the speech. When it is getting late, I wave goodbye to them and rush home. All I can do is to pray to the Lord after I do my part.
Today, I go to my business mentor’s house. Upon reaching there, she brings me to her nearby hair salon to cut my hair for $5. On the way to go to her nearby hair salon, I make the same mistakes in my words. Then she corrects the way I should speak. Then she remembers that she is dealing with an autistic. I feel bad to stumble in my words. I also want to be able to speak clearly in person. She instructs the hair salon person to cut my hair short yet with a style. After the haircut, I look different. I look younger and better. Her haircut begins later, but she finishes earlier than I do. Then we return to her house, have shower and she guides me to blow my hair. I really appreciate her kind gesture to guide me. Inside I feel so embarrassed of myself to learn this in my 30s.
Next, she presses the acupoints at my head, neck and shoulders to relieve my chronic migraine and massage my aching hands due to too much exposure to phone and computer usage. Most of the work need to be done with computer usage. Oh I wish to go back to the good old days without computer.
Then she questions her role in our business. What is she? It seems to her that she becomes my personal physician, clearing my mess, business writing editor, and even comsultant besides of business mentor and partner. I feel so speechless. Inside my heart, I wish to have a mother in Christ whom I can confide in.
Journey of Pregnancy
Slight giddy head
Rest on bed
Consult the doctor to
Hear amazing congratulations
Day by day
Stomach grows larger
Unlike soft stomach
Tiny feet kick
Tiny legs swim
Foetus kicks in the morning
Speaking to him with amplifier
Foetus responds with kicks
No appetite towards Milo
Turn to accepting Milo
Milo tastes better on tongue
Increasing obsession in tidying and cleaning
Loving dark colours but
Glued to loving bright colours
Every week I see him
Through the scan
Every day I am curious of foetus’ looks
Every day I communicate with foetus
Every day I pray for foetus
Every day I am marvelled of God’s creation
One day, it is foetus’ physical health check day
Another gynaecologist congratulates
The foetus is a he
Return to my gynaecologist
Through the scan
Foetus turns head towards the scanner
Curious at the protruding scanner
Foetus gradually grows heavier
Punches and kicks are stronger
Sleeping on my back is unbearable
Forced to sleep side ways with bolster
Until feeling he is slipping out for weeks
Then blood spotting drips
Rush to hospital
Tuesday, 5 November 2013 at 10:48pm
Inspiration Ends On: Friday, 22 November 2013 at 9:42pm
During my shower, the inspiration echoed to write poetry about my pregnancy journey.