Overstretch My Limits

Chronic migraine tires me
Own mum often bring me for checkup
Being labeled with
Mental breakdown diagnosis

Problems find me
Seeking to solve it with own hands
Depending on God to bless me with
Wisdom and strength

Seeking to protect others
Entertaining vast people and piles of workload
Without realizing
Draining most energy

Sisters in Christ come
Telling me
“You spread yourself too thin”
“Focus point”

Overstretch my finances
Overstretch my time
Overstretch my mental strength
Prepared to face death

Pointing fingers claiming understand me
Increase my deep guilt
This cause me tired of living
Seeking the Lord to take me away

Jesus’ hands stretch out to me
Through others
Whenever I feel cornered
Pouring strength into my heart

Breaking into poetry becomes natural
Though writing is a challenge
Literature exams scare me
Another broken wall

Praise the Lord, O my soul
Thus far the Lord has helped me
Breaking forth into new songs
May Jesus be glorified through me

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 12 March 2016

I enjoy the worship time and sermon time though I don’t like the closed light environment and the loud music. Lord, I love it with bright light. J dozes off again during sermon. Last week I just let her rest on my shoulder. It must be tiring for her. However, I remember Irene Leow asked her to wake up to listen to the sermon.

Today’s sermon is from Acts and how God spared Apostle Paul’s life from murder plot. It speaks to me how God preserves my life and deliver me from more harm. I never expect that I am still alive. I thought I’m going to die.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Keep Me In The Dark About Myself

Behind closed doors
Parents and siblings
Discuss my mental condition worsen
Knowing my parents keep a secret

Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Prevent me from being hurt
Cause me more hurts

Keep me in a dark about myself is pointless
Someone points autism in me
Cause me more hurts

Choose to keep quiet
Refuses to worry my family
Struggling alone
Crying alone
My heart cry to the Lord

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 28 November 2015

I just don’t understand God. All I think is to fulfill my vow to the Lord with my own $5000. Strange to be given part time job and office space. Yes. I make mistakes in my part time job for missing out some part of the instructions. Glad for my boss to tell me not to do anything except preparing the sales order and ask Chris for inventory clarification. It’s bad to to be under depression. Now I begin to understand those who are under depression.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

The Scapegoat Wife

Any mistakes
Shirk responsibilities
Blame the wife
Playing the words

Wife becomes the scapegoat
Wife admits own mistakes
Only to be pushed to the brink
Living in hell

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Inspiration On: Wednesday, 17 November 2015

Since I didn’t sleep for one night, I feel so relieved and sleepy for the script and children’s book reach the end. When I am tired, my husband asks about the prudential and need immediate reply. He tell me to cut the kindergarten earlier so can get refund. Then he mentions to me for my mum not to show dark face to the maid. His presumption is getting stronger. So I rebuke him. He emphasizes that putting our son into The nearby kindergarten is my idea and responsibility. That shows he is finding fault. When I ask him whether I am his wife, he plays with his words meaning whether I want to be his wife. Can see he is scheming. I need to stand up for myself.

---

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Keeping Silence

Keeping Silence
Being respectful
Being caring
About my parents’ feelings
Keeping my silence
Imbues misunderstanding cues
Treated as a slow response
Rebuked to speed up my mental agility

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Inspiration On: Monday, 9 November 2015

My dad analyzes that Singapore law is too money minded. Though I haven’t been having proper income after marriage, the little savings I have been saving is not entitled to free legal aid. He speaks personally to me about my mum and husband. He explains the reason my husband always laugh during dating. It is due to mum always cook good food for him. Mum is also easily being fooled by his courteousness and smiling face during dating with me. Inside my heart, I feel so upset due to not listening to God’s small still voice. I should have listened to God’s voice and make my own stand.

CW wants to talk to me personally about the Christian agency and the volunteers I am looking for to relief my ministry work.

Upon reaching the legal aid, the customer service officer just informs that my little savings is considered not entitled to free legal aid. Mum feels bad for not checking the matter correctly. And I wasted my trip and time to go for the free legal aid. If I use the wasted time to do my work and earn income, that is better. Why is my time always being disturbed with all these things? Being care too much is a pain in the ass. I care about others’ feelings too much. I tend to make things easy for them. Instead of helping me, some people enjoys to make things difficult to me. It’s great to practice my own boundary, say “no” in a polite manner and walk away.

Upon reaching home, dad analyzes the situation. He understands I make mistakes. Through my husband’s character and doing, my dad asks me whether I can stand of being tormented. I keep my silence. I feel bad for my parents and brother to endure humiliation with me. I am feeling worse to listen to them hurrying me to get married. However, my silence is being misunderstood. Why should parents hurrying own daughter to get married? But they tend to give more privilege to their sons. Inside I feel unfair. But I still care for my parents. Again, they dissuade me from publishing my own children’s books. They only care on their own opinions rather than honing their children’s potential. How many times do parents tend to relinquish their children’s potential?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Personality Test

Mum and I reach home to buy the travel bag. My dad and mum tell me the resolution to bring my own son wherever I go. Then mum shares her story to bring my brother and I to Singapore herself. This is upsetting. I prefer to bring the child out together. Why do I repeat my parents’ pattern?

Strange happening to see own husband returns home and wants to discuss again. Every time he is the one who wants to discuss. I just want to let the matter be bygone and take care the relationship by keeping God’s Words in my heart. All he does is to accuse me. He accused me that I disagree our son to be baptized in his Catholic Church and exaggerate more inserting the words bot to let our son endcup like him. So since I want to bring my son to the nearby BP church, don’t ever tell him to fetch our son. He refuses to let me explain myself. I do ever disagree for our son to be baptized in his so called Catholic Church. I don’t say, “I don’t want our son to end up like him.” I don’t want my son to be baptized without knowing anything. I want him to know and have personal relationship with Jesus Christ. All I can do is to rebuff him on the words that he ever said to his catholic priest. Every churches are the same because pray to Jesus. However, those words are taught by his mother. Why I can be so sure? He ever shared his mum complained his eldest brother is a rebel to enter into Protestant. That shows she is the mastermind. Why do I have to remember all this? Taking me for granted for being soft-hearted and saying yes to get married at his Catholic Church. Lord, this is frustrating. Taking my heart for granted to nod my head out of compassion. Only to realize that catholic doctrine prays to mother Mary. But my husband said it differently during courtship that many people misunderstand Catholic Church. He spoke so convincingly that Catholic Church prays to Jesus. My business mentor’s words echoes to help me to get my values and stand back in terms of speaking up. A gentleman won’t speak foul words. Is God helping me to get back on my feet in Him? Is my Lord enables me to return my lost voice? Now, I begin to learn to express myself. However, I speak it wrongly and my business mentor points out that is the wrong attitude in talking about the logo. Oh no! Lord, I need someone to learn from. I thought I can be heard. Why do I express it wrongly? How do I embrace my autism and slowness? My business mentor ( business partner and spiritual mother) words continuously repeat in my head, “Look to God”. I also need the Lord to guide me to the right people. I have been attempting to be the right person in Him. Only to realize I give in too much in the relationship until my spirit is dampened and almost dried up. Never ever give in to pressure that is against my values especially God’s values.

During the courtship, I gave in to my stupidity and brush away the small still voice giving uneasiness. That was actually the Holy Spirit nudged me. This is so much of a burden. I submitted to my parents to get married first in order to bring them happiness. This is the biggest mistake in life. Suddenly, the next day, my husband proposed. I feel so stupid and betrayed to trust his goody appearance and eloquent words. He never bothers to find out the matter. He is so full of his opinions and baseless accusations. This is emotional depression. I have been having mental blockage. No wonder I feel so suppressed at home. My work is greatly affected without knowing the reason. Now I understand the reason I can’t reach my full potential. I want to reach my full potential for God’s kingdom and His righteousness, protect my family and parents, and guide my son in the ways of the Lord. O Lord, please hear my cry.

I share to my business mentor who is a sister in Christ. I feel something strange in my personality test. Suddenly, I found out on the personality test I accidentally have done last year. Before I’m ISFJ. When we did the personality test, yours is ESFJ whereas mine becomes INFJ. Just did my personality test from caliberlink website, INFJ again. Oh no! What’s gotten into me? Nothing wrong. We all change over time. I hope to change for the better.

It is sad to hear from Huey that his classmate drops own pencil and shift the blame to him. Though he is angry, he keeps quiet. I feel concerned on his psychological development. I share this to my mentor again. Her reply is so clear. Reality of a fallen world. Nothing to be sad. Rather he should remain resolute that his conscience is clear and not be angry as he did not do it. Minor matter. Just beware of any possibly real bullying case like the recent video case of one student bearing the head of a classmate who kept still and quiet.

New police training on mental illness and autism is ‘probably going to save someone’s life’

New police training on mental illness and autism is ‘probably going to save someone’s life’ is a good news for the autistic people. 

Crying Autistic

Living in denial
Hating my existence
Unable to accept
The truth and fact
Deep inside me

Autism is the
Label given to me
Coming from my family members
Many time I deny it
Only to surrender and learn to
Embrace autism in my life

Knowing the angst of my pain
But I choose to smile to others
Showing the brighter side of my true self
Wishing to cheers the broken-hearted
Yet others tend to
Break my heart
And
Take advantage
Of my kindness
Only to land myself
Vulnerable
Miserable
Feeling the awful pangs of hurt
From all the
Pre-judgements

When my world is closing
You come into my life with your own agenda
Soothing words to uplift me
Then you hurt me four times
Pushing me forward three step backs
Then pull me backward four step backs
Why are you playing with my innocence?!
Why are you entering into my world?
Giving me FALSE hopes
Only to DASH it!
Enough of your mental game!
Stop!
My Lord sees it and warns me of your cunningness
To PREVENT me from further hurt!
This IS the FENCE of my BOUNDARIES!

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Inspiration On: Tuesday, 21 April 2015 at 12am

These are the summary of my experiences birthed in poetry. I thank my Lord and Saviour for the right words to SHOUT it out. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Era

Now is the 
Era of machines 
Era or technologies 

Normal phone
Transform into 
A smart phone 

Normal television 
Transform into 
Internet television  

Manual labours
Transform into
Robotic labours 

Multiple office responsibilities 
Are entrusted to 
Fewer employees 

Strong moral values
Decline into 
Low moral values 

Strong mentality 
Decline into 
Weak mentality 

Who is in charge?
Technology dictates human?
Human is in control of technology?
Who is the slave?
Do inner core values or physical attributes reigns?
Decrease in employment rate?
Who will we account to at the end of our lives? 

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 20 September 2014 at 10:45pm to 11:04pm
Editing Ends On: Monday, 22 September 2014 at 12:48am 

This poetry births out through observing and comparing olden days and current days. Terry Shepherd and Kenneth confirms this in their blogs – Do You Want to Voice Your Opinion? and The proposal ended it really. This is a very important questions we need to ask ourselves. 

Depression vs Jealousy

Depressed
Demon
Whispers
Suicide thoughts
As solution
Leading to
Eternal death

Jealousy
Demon
Shouts
LASH
As solution
Leading to
Destruction

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Inspiration On: Friday, 19 July 2013 from 1:30am to 8:04pm

While conversing on the phone about my friend’s plight who didn’t talk about her husband’s mother’s doings to her husband, this poetry birthed out about my friend and her mother in law. Though she can’t believe her mother in law has possessive mental problem.

Tears of Hurt

Tears of grief
Tears of hating conflict
Tears of dislike to hurt
The need to confront
Someone who brags
Someone who lies
A jealous filled person
Driven by green eyes heart
My heart hurts for her
Before speaking to her
But without confront her lies
The more she stirs and messes my house

O Lord, You have heard
Heard her lies
You have heard my confidant’s advice
O Lord, You have heard Sennacherib’s blasphemies
You have delivered King Hezekiah from Sennacherib
Please, O Lord, deliver me from this braggart
Please, O Lord, guide my speech
Please, O Lord, rescue me from this mental anguish
Please, rescue me
Save me from this dilemma
Please tell me what I should do, O Lord
Her words are killing everyone
Her words are destroying everyone
I don’t want her to destroy my family

O Lord, I beseech Your guidance
For I trust in Your deliverance

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Inspiration On: Tuesday, 16 July 2013 at 4:15am to 4:44am

My friend called and shared to me and asked me to write for her and ask what she should do. Though I was speechless, I put myself in her shoes, birth me this poetry. I feel speechless. This is her story, “The song ‘I Surrender’ by Celine Dion spoke to my heart and my tears of grief overflows to my Lord seeking His deliverance. Though I dislike the liar’s speeches and actions, the desire not to hurt her was laid bare to my Lord. My confidant suggested to me that it was time to confront the guest before the situation got out of hand. Those who disapprove her lies are my neighbour, helper and even a weekday beverage deliverer. But I still believe in God’s wisdom and Hand of guidance. My mind and heart is confused in what I should do.” What should she do? Your feedback is most appreciated.” This reminded me of 2 Kings 18:12-37 where King Hezekiah cried to the Lord of host.