Pain Awakes

Awake from pain
Awake through pain
Awake in pain

To see a person’s true colours
To separate the truth from lies
To realize own mistakes

Admit own mistakes
Only to be treated as scapegoat
Others throw their mistakes onto me

Letting others control over my life
Let them go by walking away
Enable me to be in control of own emotions

Speaking up to assert myself
Speaking up to create own boundary
Speaking up to stand up for others

Living in continuum pain
Seeking God’s healing
Live to please my Lord

Inspiration On: Monday, 28 April 2014 at 4:50am
Revised On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 9:30pm

Everyday’s pain in dealing with people births out this poetry. I learn to realise of my own weaknesses and to stand up for my family and myself. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Extreme Opposing Patterns

Judge others harshly
Lack of understanding
Overlook own mistakes
Extremely self-forgiving
Finding fault on others
Searching for scapegoats
Seeking control on others’ lives
Protecting own interest

Extremely forgiving others’ mistakes easily
Full of empathy and understanding
No excuse with own mistakes
Admit own faults
Beware of being the scapegoat
Be sensitive to manipulative spirits
Protect others’ interest
Seek the Lord’s intervention to stop being controlled

Circumstances and situations
May cause
Both extremes switch places
Thus the cycle continues

Maintain self-care purpose
In order to
Care others require
Recognise the higher power
Omnipotent God sees
Seeking my Lord and Saviour
To be the person whom the Lord wants


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 14 September 2016

It has been months I have been feeling miserable. My cell leader has been highlighting to me repetitively to learn to self care so that I can care others. I begin realise that it is my mistakes to let others enter into my boundaries. I refuse to let my patterns to continue and ask God for wisdom. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Please Listen to Me

Do you know
What you are doing?
Do you know
Who are the people she sends to?

My eyes open wide
Overlook the email sent by the person
Last night I have been asking
Ex-business mentor who has been in the finance industry

I speak out
I explain my thoughts
Only to be treated
Being self-defensive

Yes
I made the mistake
I’m wrong
Forgive me

Being silent
Seems the best
Nobody wants to listen me
Please listen to me

Are everybody waiting for me
To make mistakes unexpectedly?
Why do I make the mistakes?
Forgive me, Lord

If I go earlier for autism assessment
Then earlier for therapy
I will not land my friend into trouble
If I listen to advise

Hold onto my tears
Rush to the bathroom
Hiding in the cubicle
Tears roll down uncontrollably

Stop then return to my desk
A lady colleague gives
A sour salty sweets
Then a big pack of tissue

Embarrassingly tears hard to control
Sobbing quietly
Picking tissue pieces after pieces
Hold onto to it

A kind gesture from a colleague
Swear to keep quiet
Willingly to lend a pair of listening ears
Thanking profusely yet choose to keep quiet

Reminded of the Bible
Beware of wagging tongues
Spread like wildfire
Being quiet and cry to my Lord


Inspiration On: Friday, 26 August 2016

I just want to do my best. I overlook the email that the customer sent to my higher management. My friend sees it and is scared so she scolds me. When I explain myself, she feels that I am being self-defensive. Oh no! I make the mistake. I don’t mean it to happen.

Gentle Comical Tone to Point Mistake

Re-learn new ways
Gentle yet comical tone
Pointing mistakes
Choose to delete the wrong email

Sense of gratefulness
Sips into my heart and mind
Appreciate her to do so
Knowing the Lord’s kindness upon me


Inspiration On: Thursday, 14 April 2016

Good that today I have the time for myself during lunch time. It feels good. I thank the Lord that the automated overdue invoices via email VBA code is completed and I am perfecting it by adding other needed fields for future employees to use. I feel so grateful for the macro programmer choose not to put my name in it. It is to protect me from others misusing my name.

A government officer suddenly calls. She informs me in a gentle, graceful and comical tone that I send another two government department invoices to her. Therefore, she choose to delete the wrong emails. Very embarrassing. I thank her and quickly re-check. I thought I am wrong. After I re-check it from the company’s database system again, the system shows the wrong information. She can point my mistake gently yet make it sounds funny in order not to make feel so bad. I feel so thankful. I tell my friend about it. She explains to me to make sure the email in the database system is correct. It is also people who key in the information.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Mistakes After Mistakes

Lose observation skills
Misinterpret English instruction
Doing more than the required
Misunderstood her with previous client

Clouds of confusion
Clears with straightforward explanation
Only to realize
Being valued and trusted

Grief of being misunderstood
For high pay when I don’t ask for high pay
Doing nothing when I stoned
Due to arguing with my husband

That shows
My mental condition need to strengthen
Feed more in God’s Words
To strengthen my mental agility

Humble myself
Go for autism diagnosis
Open my mouth to seek help
Understand myself to manage myself


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 2 December 2015

I wish to tell my business mentor that my mum prays for someone to guide me in Singapore. I’m surprised the Lord hears her inner heart. Lord, please grant me the wisdom how to say it. Suddenly, I communicate with my mum via WhatsApp. I remind her about her words to have someone to guide me. I don’t even realize it much earlier. I tell her that the person is my business mentor and she appears before she prays about it. She is so silent about it.

“Why don’t you tell me?” She asks me. Then she continued, “You should tell me to save time.”

“When I tell my previous client his drawing is awful, he forces me to follow his.” I remember the past abuse.

She justifies herself, “I’m not him. You are taking it the wrong side of extreme.” That jolts me. Oh no! What happen to me? Why is the past haunting me? I’m awaiting the encounter session on Saturday and Sunday. I can’t stand such wrong perception.

Her two hands cover her face on the table. That posture reminds me of my business mentor’s posture at a school. Why? Why am I like this?

She explains the reason she passes her office key to me is her trust to me and let me do my work there. She clarifies that she values my expertise. She understands that I can’t put my things at the mobile office space. Therefore, she lets me use her space. When she needs creative work, she can find me and pay me for the work I have done. She values me as a business woman. I feel so valued. Furthermore, I feel so appreciative of her honesty as a friend, a client and an employer. Normally, she can get $12 per hour freelancers who are lacking experience. She pays me $15 per hour to value my expertise and professionalism. So she feels that we can’t work together anymore and she chooses to hire other freelancers. When I share this to mum and compare her with IC, I can sense her to be a good boss. She compliments me and appreciate my effort. When I do right, she compliments me. When I make a mistake, she gently explains herself repetitively. Her patient tone, “please, please, please” helps me to observe my wrong understanding of her words in WhatsApp. It is such simple words. How can I understand it wrongly? This is frightening. She can’t accept my apologies anymore. This is not so right. O Lord, please enable me to do what is right.

Though I feel slightly sad, I send her WhatsApp message on my way home, “I’m sorry to get confused. I value you also as a businesswoman. I look up to you in the way you manage the part-timers. I will just count the photo cleaning job. As a part-timer, I also need guidance.” I can understand she doesn’t want to shortchange me. There is no reply from her. Through this, I feel very frustrated with the devil. A strange black bald head with large eyeballs look at me hideously. Inside, I get so angry and kick that creature away.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

The Scapegoat Wife

Any mistakes
Shirk responsibilities
Blame the wife
Playing the words

Wife becomes the scapegoat
Wife admits own mistakes
Only to be pushed to the brink
Living in hell


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 17 November 2015

Since I didn’t sleep for one night, I feel so relieved and sleepy for the script and children’s book reach the end. When I am tired, my husband asks about the prudential and need immediate reply. He tell me to cut the kindergarten earlier so can get refund. Then he mentions to me for my mum not to show dark face to the maid. His presumption is getting stronger. So I rebuke him. He emphasizes that putting our son into The nearby kindergarten is my idea and responsibility. That shows he is finding fault. When I ask him whether I am his wife, he plays with his words meaning whether I want to be his wife. Can see he is scheming. I need to stand up for myself.


Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Mentor Tormentor

Agony during
Trials Of tribulations
Stabbing sharp knives
Lashing hurts and pain
Deeply into hearts and minds
Most mentors behave like
Crazy tormentors towards disciple

Do tormentors hate disciple who make mistakes?
Are mentors tormented before when making mistakes?

Lamenting mentors remember tormenting days
Turn into tormentors once receiving disciples
Mentors, do you enjoy tormenting disciples?
Tormentors, why do you choose to be so?
Mentors, do you ever wish to be
Tormentors during tormenting days?

Doesn’t the agony tormentors’ mindset need to be eliminated?
To be effective mentors to guide disciples and/or students


Inspiration On: Friday, 23 August 2013 at 7:33pm
Inspiration On: Tuesday, 24 September 2013 at 10:11pm

Upon reading Pat Cegan’s poetry at http://patcegan.wordpress.com/2013/08/23/making-my-own-mistakes/ , a concept popped out to express most circumstances that most mentors
are tormentors. But no words could describe until the last day of inspiration.