Girls’ Invisible Autism

Internalized feelings
Silence with unfamiliar people
Attraction towards pets
Being lost in own world
Termed as being shy

In silence
Overwhelmed with sensory overload
Anxiety and fear deep inside
Masking with expressionless face
Pouring out my hearts to Jesus
Seeking to overcome own challenges
Observing and smile to babies and pets


Inspiration On: Saturday, 22 April 2017 at 8:11am

I divulge my autism issue with friends whom I feel comfortable with. My struggle is in communication. Socializing with strangers is not a problem. It depends on whom I feel comfortable to talk to. My friends label me as being introvert and shy. Am I shy? That’s my question.

I do not understand myself. Seeking to have self-understanding. Last year, the autism diagnosis had tested me positive. It created mixed feelings – fearful, upset, relief. “Why You Cannot See My Daughter’s Autism?” news help me to have a better understanding of myself.

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Inner Reality

Courage enters to speak to the psychologist
He questions my relationship with my husband
Insecure word sum it all
Instead of speaking up he pushed me
Throughout interaction
Psychologist verbally diagnoses mild autism
Only communication

Determined to find out the truth
Self understanding to self management
Own mother disbelieves autism in me
Denying the autism fact in me
Speak about cell member’s disbelief
Report confirms her child’s dyslexia issue
Being in denial and speechless


Inspiration On: Friday, 26 February 2016

After meeting the psychologist, I inform my business mentor, “Today I had met the doctor. Throughout the consultation, he mentioned that I have mild autism in communication. He chooses not to write it down so that I can find a job. If want to do the test, it is a lot of test.”

“You need to do the test regardless. The government job program for autistic people requires every person to be categorized. Communication is the most important trait. I disagree with the doctor not to be truthful and honest about your condition. We need to be upfront and open in the job market. Your own experiences have proven that even you got the job as the employers had no idea of your condition they were not able to be accommodate your shortcomings and thought you could not perform. You seek the Lord yourself if you want to live an honest life. By not revealing (means deceiving), you may get a job but you may not able to keep the job.”

I am reminded of the next meeting for autism test, “The next appointment is on 29 March at 1:30pm. That is what I forget to tell you. Just now, the doctor asks my mum during my younger days.”

“What you forgot?” She questions.

Oh no! I need to clarify further, “I forgot to tell you on the next appointment to do the test.”

“It is not about the next appointment as much about what you think should be done especially if the doctor is doing the right thing. What did your mum say about your younger days,” she explains further and wonders.

The more I explain, “Slower than others. However, colouring is best. That’s feedback from my teacher to my mum. Good rapport with the teachers during the parents teachers meeting. They also find me slower.”

“And what’s the response(s) of the doctor?” she wonders.

So I reply based on my visual memory, “He writes it down. She also reveals that normally I don’t talk much about people. She admits that she got food poisoning during her 8 months pregnancy. My thoughts and actions are faster than my words. One year plus I can talk.”

“Nothing to do with you. You must pray for her to be released from this guilt. It is God who created you,” an unexpected response from her.

I am relieved of her bad impression towards my mum and answers, “Yes.”

“I meant it is not her fault. And not because of the food poisoning that she blamed herself for your condition.” is her conclusion.

The more I feel relieved and respond, “I don’t blame her. So I want to do my best. She has done her best during my younger days.”

“And she is not to be blamed.” she ends.

I inform her, “She seems to be in denial about my autism.” It reminds myself of realizing my autism. Now, I want to embrace it to understand and manage myself better. So that I can protect her and dad then help my son and others.

“Keep praying for your parents to come to encounter and know God.” she replies. Glad. Or else she’ll be blaming my mum.

I wonder whether Elsa from Frozen is an autistic. Nowadays, I crave a space to let go of my feelings through acting, dancing, drawing, writing, animation, and even musical instruments (piano).

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Face Reality

Reality strikes hard
Difficulty accepting the truth
Live in denial

Christ receives me back
Recovering my heartbrokenness and mentality
Bringing healing

His strength enters deep into the core
Standing up to face realities
Embracing the truth

Learn to self-understanding
Understand own son and others
Before helping others


Inspiration On: Thursday, 25 February 2016

I’m baffled to be so moved to register for the dyslexia course at a book council. Then today I found out that my cell member’s daughter dyslexia diagnosis is very high. She was so upset for her daughter to go for the test. Instead, the Lord enables me to get over the depression and to face it. Tomorrow, I am going for the autism self-assessment test.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Diverse to Complement

We are too diverse
Yet
We complement each other

Complement each other’s strengths
But
Diverseness also causes conflict

Do humans’ weaknesses cause conflict?
Or
Strengthen each other to overcome

An understanding and loving heart and mind
Helps
A repentant heart and mind


Inspiration On: Thursday, 4 June 2015 at 1:10am

Mum C’s poem titled We are twisted moves me to birth this poetry. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Crying Autistic

Living in denial
Hating my existence
Unable to accept
The truth and fact
Deep inside me

Autism is the
Label given to me
Coming from my family members
Many time I deny it
Only to surrender and learn to
Embrace autism in my life

Knowing the angst of my pain
But I choose to smile to others
Showing the brighter side of my true self
Wishing to cheers the broken-hearted
Yet others tend to
Break my heart
And
Take advantage
Of my kindness
Only to land myself
Vulnerable
Miserable
Feeling the awful pangs of hurt
From all the
Pre-judgements

When my world is closing
You come into my life with your own agenda
Soothing words to uplift me
Then you hurt me four times
Pushing me forward three step backs
Then pull me backward four step backs
Why are you playing with my innocence?!
Why are you entering into my world?
Giving me FALSE hopes
Only to DASH it!
Enough of your mental game!
Stop!
My Lord sees it and warns me of your cunningness
To PREVENT me from further hurt!
This IS the FENCE of my BOUNDARIES!


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 21 April 2015 at 12am

These are the summary of my experiences birthed in poetry. I thank my Lord and Saviour for the right words to SHOUT it out. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Loathe Life

Just a few judgmental words
Triggers
The buried excruciating past

As the past haunts deeply
Overcome
The perception towards the speaker

Overcomed with the dread of being
Taken advantage
Auto self-protection switches on

Either flight or fight
Loathing
Own’s foolishness to be too trusting

Another self awaits to
Emerge
Triumphantly build fences of boundaries


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 31 April 2015 at 9pm

My friends and I are facing issues of others entering our boundaries. Foolishly, we are being taken advantage. But we realize it too late. Wish you all have good days and thank you.