Unbelievable Answered Limbo

Expecting communication skills guidance
Only to go through colour tests
Choosing the words that describe myself best
Listening to the instructions
Choosing the words in the cards describe me
Exchanging the cards not representing self with others
Return to respective seats

Coach instructs everyone
Count the most dominant colour cards
Thus I categorise and count
Arranging cards accordion to colour
Speechless with the colour card quantity
Four blue cards
Four green cards
Four yellow cards
Two red cards

Then he calls out those with most green cards
I lift up my hand
Explain green are yes people
Next he calls out the most blue cards
I lift up my hand
Explain blue are logical and negative people
The third call is the most yellow cards
I lift up my hand
Explain yellow are imaginative cheerful people
Fourth is red cards
My hand is on the table
He questions my red cards
Only two cards

Privately share my perspective of a map
Look like a flying bird to the coach
Due to I hear everybody answers America
Do I see wrongly?
Assures me
Nothing wrong with me
Due to belong to yellow card
Sudden revelation I tend to see things
In the bigger picture
An unbelievable answered limbo
The reason I don’t feel a sense of belonging

Inside my mind
Questions and wondering
What is God doing in my life?
Is God revealing about myself?
In the system training
My cell member’s questions are answered
Prepared to give her answer and informs her
Then I rush to the bathroom

Inspiration On: Wednesday, 27 April 2016

The communication workshop enables me to understand myself better. I just need to make sure the words in the cards describe me clearly. Huh? Suddenly, I’m surprised that my most cards are red, green and blue. Basically, I have four cards for each green, blue and yellow. And two red cards. I’m surprised to hear from the Lumina coach that I am well-balanced. That’s not what I want to hear. Then he forces us to choose one card out of all cards. I choose the yellow card, “my imagination leads me to no sense of reality”. However, the ideas have been executed and workable to solve the problem because I am a quiet person. So the coach separates us according to our colour choice. CMF is standing at the green whereas I stand at the yellow. However, the coach explains that I’m everywhere and well-balanced. I feel so sad to be separated from my friend. I share to the coach privately that I see American map as the bird. Hoping to understand myself. He reveals that I think of the bigger picture. I feel speechless because I can’t believe myself about myself.

In the system training and e-appraisal workshop, the person in charge explains how to use the system and welcome questions. My cell member’s question is answered. The transaction can be seen from system website seeing yesterday’s transactions.

Thank God for the courage to speak out and ask another colleague about IT and media department. She asks my experiences so I share from IT and arts background. I study in information system. However, due to my curiousity I manage to repair computer. When I ask about media department, my colleague reveals it is under marketing advertisement department. Suddenly, CMF rebukes me not to say such things unless I have a close friend in that department. That sends me an unhappy signal. Afterwards, I send message to her whether she is unhappy with me. She clarifies that she is concerned of me. In the lift, she carries my bag to see its weight. She mentions it is heavy and asks the things I bring. It is sketchbook, pencils, purse, cards, iPad and other miscellaneous stuffs.

The peace at the cell group meeting with SS, Lita, J and PL. I inform my cell member on the cut off date and viewing transaction. Glad for the peaceful clarification of declaring God’s Words to PM. Her questions are answered during continuing the Bible Study titled Spirit Soul and Body. After Josephine shares her husband and her unhappiness with her mother in law, I begin to share about Internet service provider issue and maid issue with my husband. My cell leader immediately assumes and pronounces her judgment to let my son takes shower by himself. I can sense it is pointless to explain. I feel so overpowered. In the end, I choose to shut my mouth. Because they don’t fully listen. So I just ask for prayer for the maid’s issue.

As we walk towards the carpark, my cell leader holds my left hand. My cell leader apologises that they don’t understand me well enough because we just get along since last October. Apology is accepted. It’s not the time to speak it out first. Appreciate for the cell leader’s leader gives us a lift to the nearby train station.

On my way home, suddenly I receive an email from CMF asking, “Where are you?” That causes my imagination runs wild. Do I make a mistake again? Or is she trying to clarify herself?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Barely Survive

Alarm rings
Immediate awake
Rush to my son to wake up
Request to be carried
Brain is boiling!
Again request to be carried
Hot steam blows out of my head
Abruptly goes down the bed

Sleepy eyes
Rushing him
Slowly walk around
Drink milk slowly
A fast child but slow to wake up
Feel drained
Due to opposite personalities

Inspiration On: Monday, 1 February 2016

I wake my five years old son up many times. He requests me repetitively to carry him out of the bed. Hot steam pour out of my head and lose my temper to go down his bed. So he goes down his bed. Waking him up nicely and still want me to carry him? He is 26kg and I can’t carry him anymore.

Oh no! The previous two helpers often carry him out of bed. No wonder he expects to be carried. My body can’t carry too heavy. Many times I carry heavy things, my chronic migraine worsens.

Rushing him to drink milk though he is still sleepy, wipe his face and change his clothes. Due to his slowness, I lose my temper and the bus driver scolds me for calling twice to my phone twice.

Then I realize that I need to train the new helper to let him go down his own bed.

Uncle WY forgot to call me due to rushing homework and for night pastoral bible class. Oh, I need his advise how to handle those who sow discord in the family and the church.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Disgusting Smile

Disgust Smile
A flirting moaning laugh
Getting close
Speaking good words
In order to get
What he wants

My body short hair
Can’t accept such personality

Inspiration On: Monday, 23 November 2015

Suddenly my husband speaks flirtingly. Then he continues that he checks from the internet that it is important to assure not to be always right. Next he asks the office location of my part-time job and my job scope. I feel so disgusted with his flirty smile though I laugh. Because I see people laugh.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Personality Test

Mum and I reach home to buy the travel bag. My dad and mum tell me the resolution to bring my own son wherever I go. Then mum shares her story to bring my brother and I to Singapore herself. This is upsetting. I prefer to bring the child out together. Why do I repeat my parents’ pattern?

Strange happening to see own husband returns home and wants to discuss again. Every time he is the one who wants to discuss. I just want to let the matter be bygone and take care the relationship by keeping God’s Words in my heart. All he does is to accuse me. He accused me that I disagree our son to be baptized in his Catholic Church and exaggerate more inserting the words bot to let our son endcup like him. So since I want to bring my son to the nearby BP church, don’t ever tell him to fetch our son. He refuses to let me explain myself. I do ever disagree for our son to be baptized in his so called Catholic Church. I don’t say, “I don’t want our son to end up like him.” I don’t want my son to be baptized without knowing anything. I want him to know and have personal relationship with Jesus Christ. All I can do is to rebuff him on the words that he ever said to his catholic priest. Every churches are the same because pray to Jesus. However, those words are taught by his mother. Why I can be so sure? He ever shared his mum complained his eldest brother is a rebel to enter into Protestant. That shows she is the mastermind. Why do I have to remember all this? Taking me for granted for being soft-hearted and saying yes to get married at his Catholic Church. Lord, this is frustrating. Taking my heart for granted to nod my head out of compassion. Only to realize that catholic doctrine prays to mother Mary. But my husband said it differently during courtship that many people misunderstand Catholic Church. He spoke so convincingly that Catholic Church prays to Jesus. My business mentor’s words echoes to help me to get my values and stand back in terms of speaking up. A gentleman won’t speak foul words. Is God helping me to get back on my feet in Him? Is my Lord enables me to return my lost voice? Now, I begin to learn to express myself. However, I speak it wrongly and my business mentor points out that is the wrong attitude in talking about the logo. Oh no! Lord, I need someone to learn from. I thought I can be heard. Why do I express it wrongly? How do I embrace my autism and slowness? My business mentor ( business partner and spiritual mother) words continuously repeat in my head, “Look to God”. I also need the Lord to guide me to the right people. I have been attempting to be the right person in Him. Only to realize I give in too much in the relationship until my spirit is dampened and almost dried up. Never ever give in to pressure that is against my values especially God’s values.

During the courtship, I gave in to my stupidity and brush away the small still voice giving uneasiness. That was actually the Holy Spirit nudged me. This is so much of a burden. I submitted to my parents to get married first in order to bring them happiness. This is the biggest mistake in life. Suddenly, the next day, my husband proposed. I feel so stupid and betrayed to trust his goody appearance and eloquent words. He never bothers to find out the matter. He is so full of his opinions and baseless accusations. This is emotional depression. I have been having mental blockage. No wonder I feel so suppressed at home. My work is greatly affected without knowing the reason. Now I understand the reason I can’t reach my full potential. I want to reach my full potential for God’s kingdom and His righteousness, protect my family and parents, and guide my son in the ways of the Lord. O Lord, please hear my cry.

I share to my business mentor who is a sister in Christ. I feel something strange in my personality test. Suddenly, I found out on the personality test I accidentally have done last year. Before I’m ISFJ. When we did the personality test, yours is ESFJ whereas mine becomes INFJ. Just did my personality test from caliberlink website, INFJ again. Oh no! What’s gotten into me? Nothing wrong. We all change over time. I hope to change for the better.

It is sad to hear from Huey that his classmate drops own pencil and shift the blame to him. Though he is angry, he keeps quiet. I feel concerned on his psychological development. I share this to my mentor again. Her reply is so clear. Reality of a fallen world. Nothing to be sad. Rather he should remain resolute that his conscience is clear and not be angry as he did not do it. Minor matter. Just beware of any possibly real bullying case like the recent video case of one student bearing the head of a classmate who kept still and quiet.