Assert Boundary

Assert own boundary proves health to
One’s energy
One’s emotion
One’s psychological
One’s spiritual
One’s financial resources
Losing oneself

Overstretch own’s strength
Cause loss of focus
Lack of concentration
Letting the evil overpowers
Awaiting physical death
Like Elijah asked the Lord to leave the earth
Seeking restitution and wisdom from God

Inspiration On: Friday, 4 March 2016

I feel so frustrated for mum to last minute telling me that she and my brother go to Johor Bahru. She tells me to give up on my tomorrow’s intercessor prayer service. I tell her abruptly that I have written down my schedule on her calendar. Why must she does so? She shared her most recent case. She didn’t go to church for the worship singing due to realizing my son’s fever increased. Angrily I leave house to library to concentrate in my work and job search. I also pray to the Lord to stop all these obstacles. I am willing to forgive her as the Lord has forgiven me. I message to my cell leaders and members. I feel bad and grateful for them to understand my situation.

Inside I feel awful. My family members care for me with their own ways. They still claim they understand me. In fact, they don’t understand me at all. Now I can feel from the perspective of a child who wants to protect own parents. Instead of listening to God, the child chooses to listen to own parents out of too much care. In the end, own spiritual, emotional, psychological and financial resources drain drastically. This can’t protect own’s parents, son and loses myself. Henry Cloud is right to put a boundary to assert oneself. Now I remember NTH’s warning. She shared a real life case. The evil one can take advantage of God’s servant who has soft hearts. In the end, the evil one able to overpower those who follow Jesus. Suddenly, the proverbs “beat the grass and startle the snake” comes alive. Do I startle the snake? I thought I am being to direct to my mother in law to stop her from sowing discords.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Deep Deprivation

I want Jesus
Loving Him by loving others
Giving myself too much
Completely drained
Only to realize

Refusing to follow my dad’s footsteps
End myself in his footsteps
Who is deprived of his potential
Repetitively saying
Never hurt his mother
Willingly give me away to my childless uncle
Who chooses my four years elder sister
Thus she blames our
Unwilling mother to gave her away
Instead of finding the truth

Refusing to follow my mum’s footsteps
End myself in her footsteps
Who stands on her feet
Protecting her children from emotional abuse
Being rejected as my dad’s wife
Unwillingly submit to my dad to
Either gave my sister or me away

My mother in law
My husband
Hurls humiliation
Accusations towards
My parents
My good intentions
Taking my soft heart for granted
With her crocodile tears
My dad’s good intention to rebuke my husband
Pointing the main problem in his
Mother’s psychological mindsets
Highlight the importance to
Guide own mum from wrong paths

Even sowing seeds of discords
Between my parents and I
Found it by finding the truth
Between my son and I
Found it through his words
That she is afraid to come here
Afraid my dad will call police to catch her
Why does she has to say such words to a kid?!
Why does she has such presumptions?!

Enough is enough
Enough is enough
Lord, I feel so drained
Being pushed away and head knocks onto bedside
Shows his lack of self-restraint
I need to protect my boundary in Christ’s strength
Only want His will in my life

Inspiration On: Monday, 30 November 2015

I feel so worse for not being able to understand other people’s simple English message. After many repetitions of explaining the same words, then I begin to understand the message. Why is it like this? During my single days, I feel much happier and my English comprehension is better. Now, my understanding level slows down. I feel so upset. Until I tell mum that dad isn’t totally correct. He feels reading books are useless. In fact, it helps my inspiration. What’s wrong with me reading books? In fact, I do too much and repeat the same mistakes. Reading books can inspire and help me to solve in the things I do. When I tell mum about my slow comprehension, my brother comes out trying to help. Then he asks whether I need them to help me to understand the message or just for me to share. I answer to share out my frustrations.

Deep inside I feel exhausted due to loving my parents too much and want to protect them and make them happy. So when dad mentioned that girls no need to study high. Girls just need to get married. Does he ever bother to care about my thoughts? All he can is to put me down. What is wrong to do creative work? Is it because he can’t get the mechanical job thus he put his opinion onto me? Most likely. Finally, I blurt out my findings one year ago. The reason wives are abused due to their parents quickly marry them off. Many parents don’t see the importance to let their grown up daughters to gain financial independence.

Deep down in my core, I feel so dampened and helpless for not being able to protect my parents financially, to let them suffer humiliation with me and lesser times with my five years son.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Return Shirk Responsibility

Can not stand those who shirk responsibility
It dawned upon me

The reason
Being wronged
with and without making mistakes
All blame is fully pushed onto my head

The reason
Lost self-worth
Understanding lost temper
Due to overloaded with many tasks

The reason
Scattered self
Lost self
Guilt ridden
Crying endlessly
Being diagnosed with bipolar
Tired of life
Seeking the Lord to bring me home

Return his tasks back to him
Return his words back to him
To stop from
Being taken advantage

Inspiration On: Friday, 20 November 2015

The purchased groceries are wrong. So I correct my husband. Yet he dares to say, “As mentioned previously, I shall only take care ur daily meals so u don’t starve, but I still buy for u and u complaints a lot. I owe u a living? Since u are working now and have own income, it is fair that u take care and buy ur own item. Please don’t come to order me to buy anymore and complaints. Thks.” Wow. Still can say thanks. Suddenly, the words of my business mentor echoes so I use it to rebuke him, “You are the one who buy the wrong one. You are the one who say to me that you want to buy the groceries.”

Now I can see his real face, “Do u send any info when asked me to buy? And those r not groceries, those r what u want to use but I don’t use. U should buy for urself whatever u want to use.” Again my business mentor’s words inspires me, “Be more observant.” So I tell him off, “I have the written the correct words. The one that you buy does not state the correct words. Be more observant.

He is a great schemer to say, “As I mentioned, I don’t use those item. If u don’t like what I bought for u, u should go and buy for urself, not asking other to buy for u.” All I can respond is, “You learn to buy. You are the one who said want to retire early. You are the one who said want to have a child. You are the one who said to give allowance.”

He loves to say I argue when he is the one who wants to argue, “Sorry, I got limited SMS. I don’t want to argue all this and wasting my SMS as I still need the free SMS quota for work. Just buy for urself since u working.” Unexpectedly, I argue back, “I don’t need such excuse. I just start to work and don’t earn much. Yet you still have the cheek to say such things. The myojo instant noodle is not the one I normally eat.”

He reminds my words, “U also say u want to work to share all expenses, but after 5 years saying u r not bringing anything to support and all burden to me.” Now, I begin to see the reason I have a hard time to secure a job. Associate with a wrong person can cost my mental and physical issues. I respond according to the fact, “You are a good talker. I’m not even you.” He seems to hurrily respond, “Then don’t talk. Case closed.” I argue, “Case is not closed.”

His message makes me laugh, “Up to u. My side case closed, if u feel not closed, it is ur problem. I am not going to reply ur SMS anymore.” I just respond, “It is your problem too. Then talk.” Such an excuse, “Don’t talk better. I don’t want to have another fighting in front of kid. It is not good for kid growth.” I suggest, “Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others. Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others.”

It is contradicting for him to say, “Up to u to think whatever about me. I don’t care & also tired to explain for ur understanding. I have nothing to talk with u except issue related to kid.” The more I return his shirk responsibility back to him, “Then tomorrow you bring son yourself.” He is a cunning fellow, “I have no problem if u, as a mother, feel that our issue can make u, as a mother, don’t care about kid school. Just pass to me his birth cert, our marriage cert and his bank details including card and I will settle myself. If the school require ur sign, I will inform u and u come at ur convenient time.” I end it, “I don’t want to sign. You sign it yourself. You are his father. You are the one who wants to cancel his Hebron school. You go to his school to inform them.”

Then he replies, “As I mentioned, pass me his birth cert, our marriage cert & his bank details. I will sign & only called u if they need u to sign. I will inform Hebron also.” Absolute answer to him, “Nope. You go and ask them first. Then you cancel Hebron first. You are his dad.”

All I think is to post scenery sketch to YY. A way to thank her and to show my appreciation. I like her personality until I can’t help except to sketch waterfall scenery for her. It suits her. So I leave my room, get envelope, and enter playroom to find postage stamp in the drawer. I can’t find it. Oh, I had moved the box to my part time job office. Creaks. My ears detect it. My husband enters into the storeroom. Then I return to my room. He enters with a screwdriver! I abruptly stand at my drawer to protect my son’s and my marriage certificate. Oh no! He refuses to respect my boundary. He pushes. I stand strongly not to be pushed. His infuriated breath sounds so strong. Mightily he pushes me. My back head knocks against the bed side. Right hand and right calf pains a bit. Suddenly, my parents enter our room. My dad warns him fiercely. Don’t lay a hand on his daughter. Or else he’ll discipline my husband. My dad definitely accept his fight. He furiously quarrel with my dad. It led both of them out of the room. BANG! I close my room door with my mum inside. Fearfully, I unlock my drawer. Take out the certificates. Pass it to mum. Then I take a cloth bag to cover it. Through the door, I heard my husband blames I am the one who pushes him first. I raise my voice that he is the one who pushes me first. I am guarding my drawer. I have said I refused to open my drawer. Yet he disrespect my boundary. He pushes me onto the bedside. I thank God for them and appreciate their love and care for me. If I listen to the impression in my heart, I would have moved the certificates into my office. The most safest place. Now, all the certificates are in my parents’ hands. Though it is safe, I am concerned on their lives. I quickly slip my will writing under a folder in order not to let my parents see.

Then he looks remorseful. His voice sounds kind. Persuading me to go to the other room to discuss. Every time he is the one who initiates to discuss. I have enough. Refuse to go over. All he can say is sorry. His sorry sounds remorseful. I want to accept his apology. However, I keep quiet. I want him to know his own wrong. I don’t want to be fooled and taken advantage anymore.

Then he text message me, “I am very sorry for just now incident. I don’t mean to cause u falling on ground. Sorry again. But I still don’t understand why u don’t want to pass those items to so I can complete everything within a day, I still cannot agree u keep all those documents for urself only” From it, I can sense he pushes the blame onto me.

He continues, “Anyway, we are at this stage where no trust between us. Do u still think we should stick together?” I choose silence treatment. That shows he doesn’t wake up to his senses. All he can do is blaming others for making him the way he acts.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Burn to Save

Manual movements
Manual writing
Manual drawing
Manual play
Burning body energy

Save the battery
Save the cost
Burn more calories
Exercise the body
Thus is

Good for the mind
Good for the body
Good for the heart
Psychological improvements
Living to be

Best to have teamwork
Together to do manually
Though conflict arises
Solve it improve social needs

Inspiration On: Sunday, 12 April 2015 at 1:40pm

A photo of old pencil sharpener inspires my friend to answer that she has the manual one. Manual is good because she feels it save her stationery cost and at the same time burn more energy. I kinda agree due to the society is depending more technologies that need electrical power. Wish you all have good days and thank you.