Self-Realization

Self realisation awakes
Through the miserable feelings
Forcing myself for others
Inner self is seeking
Many outlets to come forth

Sketching
Drawing
Writing
Acting

Focus in one outlet first
Be good in one first
Never forget to
Own weaknesses and strength in Christ


Inspiration On: Thursday, 31 March 2016

Realising the miserable feeling comes from forcing myself in finance too much. My headache worsens. However, there is a release in the animation class. The release of feelings and the deep things ingrained and lingering.

O Lord, please strengthen me and open the gateway You lead me to. Inside feel so repressed. There is no outlet to come out.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Advertisements

Inner Reality

Courage enters to speak to the psychologist
He questions my relationship with my husband
Insecure word sum it all
Instead of speaking up he pushed me
Throughout interaction
Psychologist verbally diagnoses mild autism
Only communication

Determined to find out the truth
Self understanding to self management
Own mother disbelieves autism in me
Denying the autism fact in me
Speak about cell member’s disbelief
Report confirms her child’s dyslexia issue
Being in denial and speechless


Inspiration On: Friday, 26 February 2016

After meeting the psychologist, I inform my business mentor, “Today I had met the doctor. Throughout the consultation, he mentioned that I have mild autism in communication. He chooses not to write it down so that I can find a job. If want to do the test, it is a lot of test.”

“You need to do the test regardless. The government job program for autistic people requires every person to be categorized. Communication is the most important trait. I disagree with the doctor not to be truthful and honest about your condition. We need to be upfront and open in the job market. Your own experiences have proven that even you got the job as the employers had no idea of your condition they were not able to be accommodate your shortcomings and thought you could not perform. You seek the Lord yourself if you want to live an honest life. By not revealing (means deceiving), you may get a job but you may not able to keep the job.”

I am reminded of the next meeting for autism test, “The next appointment is on 29 March at 1:30pm. That is what I forget to tell you. Just now, the doctor asks my mum during my younger days.”

“What you forgot?” She questions.

Oh no! I need to clarify further, “I forgot to tell you on the next appointment to do the test.”

“It is not about the next appointment as much about what you think should be done especially if the doctor is doing the right thing. What did your mum say about your younger days,” she explains further and wonders.

The more I explain, “Slower than others. However, colouring is best. That’s feedback from my teacher to my mum. Good rapport with the teachers during the parents teachers meeting. They also find me slower.”

“And what’s the response(s) of the doctor?” she wonders.

So I reply based on my visual memory, “He writes it down. She also reveals that normally I don’t talk much about people. She admits that she got food poisoning during her 8 months pregnancy. My thoughts and actions are faster than my words. One year plus I can talk.”

“Nothing to do with you. You must pray for her to be released from this guilt. It is God who created you,” an unexpected response from her.

I am relieved of her bad impression towards my mum and answers, “Yes.”

“I meant it is not her fault. And not because of the food poisoning that she blamed herself for your condition.” is her conclusion.

The more I feel relieved and respond, “I don’t blame her. So I want to do my best. She has done her best during my younger days.”

“And she is not to be blamed.” she ends.

I inform her, “She seems to be in denial about my autism.” It reminds myself of realizing my autism. Now, I want to embrace it to understand and manage myself better. So that I can protect her and dad then help my son and others.

“Keep praying for your parents to come to encounter and know God.” she replies. Glad. Or else she’ll be blaming my mum.

I wonder whether Elsa from Frozen is an autistic. Nowadays, I crave a space to let go of my feelings through acting, dancing, drawing, writing, animation, and even musical instruments (piano).

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Reality Discovery

Wanting to repeat
School dance and singing
To let me see tomorrow
Not to let my friends watch
Only want to let me see

Inside my heart I feel so privileged
Joy bumps in my heart and mind
Wishing he can do so to Jesus

Time for bed
Mouth continuously opens
Talking incessantly
Repeating his question repetitively
Coming down from his bed

No peace of mind
Steam rises out of my head
Raising my voice to him to sleep

Share the reason he refuses to welcome
A younger boy to his bed
Due to being pushed and knocked his head
Chooses not to fight back
Caring towards younger than him

Instantly compliment his good behaviour
Encourage him to tell me earlier
Comforted of his kindness

As he closes his eyes and mouth
Peaceful reflections run through my mind
Dawns upon me the hurts and pains
In same experiences
In same responses

Speechless
Better self understanding
Lead to understand my son better


Inspiration On: Friday, 12 February 2016

I’m happy for my son just want to sing and dance for me to see. I wish he can do so for Jesus. Oh, it’s so irritating for my son to be so talkative before sleep until I lose my temper. He repeats that he dislikes a younger toddler named Namur because Namur pushed him until his skull hurts. Suddenly, Mr. Peabody and Sherman animation comes to my mind. I also remind him of Sherman with the girl who bullied him. Then they become good friends. In conclusion, I point to him that he has a good heart not to take revenge. I’m attempting to encourage his kind behaviour. Inside my heart, I feel so thankful to God and feel comforted. Suddenly, the Lord opens my eyes to understand myself. After I was pushed by my husband, a few days later I tell to my parents. I thought they know. They are shocked of me not telling them earlier. Oh no! I don’t wish my son to be bullied. I need to take note of him. Though he can exaggerate, his sensitivity level is high as mine. This is a shocking self discovery, realization and reality.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

In Between

Whole body loses strength
Brain dozes off
Stuck
In Between
Dream and reality
Unable to rise my body
Locked in the dream state

A last message remained in the dream
Once the whole message is
Conveyed
Consciousness regains
Eyes open wide
No strength and energy to move body
Awaiting time to regain strength

Living in between dream and reality
Dream or spiritual realm?
Reality or physical realm?
Living in between spiritual and physical world


Inspiration On: Saturday, 1 November 2015 at 5:30pm

While I sit on the sofa awaiting for my son going to shower, my brain doze off. My heart pumps harder. Body loses strength and eyes can’t open. I hears voices from the reality. My son calls me to sleep on bed. A postman. At the same time, I am in the dream. The house is calmly dark. I go to the kitchen where my husband talks to me. He says that he is flying to his hometown in November. I keep quiet. Only to wake up with body and hands losing strength. Migraine relapse worsens. Heart pumps faster. I feel there is a discrepancy between the month my husband goes to Sabah. The air ticket he booked is in December. Is it a death message? Normally, I don’t take nap. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

They were right. There is Heaven! by Eric Alagan

During my early blogging in my ministry, Eric Alagan is a writer whom found me and we followed each other’s post. I enjoy reading his works especially his beautiful pictures with meaningful words. I seek his permission to save it as my wallpaper. You can follow him at http://ericalagan.net

Whisper Out Of The Dream World

Whisper . . . Whisper . . .
Whisper . . . Whisper . . .
Oh, where are the whispers from?
Locating it until
My dream world fades away
I am transported to reality
With dry lips
With thirsty tongue
With growling stomach.

As I walk wobbly to the door,
Then the whisper gradually ascends to noise.
As I opened the door,
Obviously, someone is talking to panda.
Oh, my mother in law is talking with him.

Sleepily, I say “good morning”.
Drowsily, I gulp a cup of milk.
Looking at the clock.
Oh, it is 7am plus.
Wondering won’t he be late for work.
Then I return to my dream world.


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 23 January 2013 at 11pm
Inspiration On: Thursday, 24 January 2013 at 1:01am

Yesterday, my mother in law came from faraway place and stay with my husband and me to see her beloved grandson. Unexpectedly, I was awakened around 7 O’clock in the morning due to talking voices. Later on, when my helper told me at night that she heard my mother in law was talking non-stop. Normally, he will leave home at 7am, but he left at 7am plus after I entered my room.