Clear Resolution

Sense of relief for a protector Secure in my dad’s hands of protection
Thanking the Lord
Appreciating my dad

Sensing her to insert more guilt to me
Only think of my husband’s feelings
Solely protecting him and shift care of me
Wish to be free

Speaking up for myself
Does she ever bothers to listen to my heart?
Does she cares my insecure feelings?
Does she ever really respect me?

The one whom she cares most
Do not even appreciate her efforts at all
And even dare to chase her out of the house
Not keeping his promise

The silent one whom she cares
Cares her feelings too much
Choose to keep quiet of own opinion
To bring happiness to her

Being the silent one is
Treated like a fool
Treated useless
Taking my kindness for granted

Still I am committed to
Care my parents at old age
Now is the time to earn income
Reluctantly to enter into leadership

Inspiration On: Friday, 5 February 2016

BL recuperates from her mini heart attack; compliments my personal cv writing to apply for teacher. Then she poses a question that helps me to think through. “post sounds good but u hv not explained why you should get the job. below is too broad. pls try again. follow the ad and add into description. when must u submit? I have to focus on preparing for launch. A lot still not done … don’t think I can do much till Wed or so.” Then she suggests to meet up again and help me to find my focus. I thank the Lord and appreciate her kindness.

My mum brings my son downstairs to take school bus. The school bus boss sincerely comes to my block to seek resolution on the fetching point. However, he disbelieves his employee speaks such threats. My dad confronts, “how can a child lie?” Since he is so sincere, my dad agrees on the fetching point. Then he rebukes the driver’s words. From this, I see the truth and people’s lie towards me. I appreciate those who are direct and honest with me.

Finally, I speak up to my mum that I can’t stand those who don’t admit their mistakes and shift the blame to others. To add more to the fuel is to change the facts. Make right to look wrong. Make wrong to sound right. Then I share about my cousin Apo whose husband physically abuse her. Until now I remember such sight. I don’t want another second case of physical abuse. Then I point out that dad admits when he is in the wrong, doesn’t hit women, and honest. When she replies that my husband has good points, I abruptly explain myself. Yes! I know he has good points. I have been using his good points to comfort myself. In the end, it proves wrong. I remind her accusations, dad and my siblings against me. “Why aren’t you satisfied? You have a husband and son. Why do you still demand career?” She seems shocked. The more I explain myself. His lies and even his personality problem make me can’t stand to stay at home. Already being kind, he demands more. I have enough! Might as well I work! Then I share about my thoughts. Being kind to others without anything in return is alright. I hate it for others to demand more and bite me! I hate it when my kindness is being returned with evil!

Though I feel better to voice out about my feelings, I feel bad too to hurt her. I want her to wake up to her senses to stop her hurting words and always think all her opinions are correct. I do appreciate her kind help. Inside I feel bad to be so ruined and broken in my marriage life due to caring my parents’ feelings to get married instead of voicing out my own opinions. In the end, I lose my independence. My autism gots worse! Losing the structure. So fearful. Develop sociophobia. Psychological, mental and physical abuse occur. Diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. I can’t manage myself. Spiritually declining. Hanging onto my Lord and Saviour like a mad fellow. Crying non-stoply until my nurse friend diagnoses me with bipolar. Instead of being understood, always get scolded. This is the pain of being the only Christian in the family. The immense anguish to be a protector but failed terribly. I crave for an environment where I can truly share my heart. God hears my heart and will provide.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Frequency and Speed

Different frequency frustrates
Frustrating to put different personalities
With the same value

Frustrates one another
Until both are having a hard time
Bearing one another in love

Having the resolution
To resolve the conflict in
Christ’s love and forgiveness

Inspiration On: Tuesday, 12 January 2016

My business mentor sends me a text message, “Praise the Lord that your hubby is attending church with you. Keep praying for breakthrough for him to be touched by God’s amazing love.”

“I hope so,” responding in hope.

“Patience. Declare and proclaim. God is working. Faith is not what we see but believe.” She encourages.

I answer, “Yes. The faith needs to be in accordance to His will.”

“Surrender your will to Him and let His will be your will.” she responds in faith.

Next I share, “I also got alarmed by the dream on Saturday midnight to morning before I attend class. Thank God for the unexpected arrangement.”

Full of her assumptions, “Hope you had shared in the post encounter class.”

“Not yet.” I answer immediately.

“Why not?” She wonders.

I’m explaining, “When everything is cleared first.” Then I testify thankfully, “My husband readily brought our son to nearby mall. My son pestered him to go.”

“Not your wisdom that you thing everything will be cleared first.” She advises.

I know it already so I answer, “Yes. Not my wisdom. Until everything comes to pass first.” Then I continue, “Then meet SS who brought us to church. I thank God to break his strong presumptions about the church at suntec. I explain to him also can’t accept. He strongly presumes that the churches at suntec are materialistic.”

“Up to you,” her response to my previous topic.

So I continue, “I try to explain more about God also can’t listen. Great for the sermon. Beyond persecution. He seems speechless. He has nothing to say. Thank God.”

“It is God who speaks not the pastor and God who causes the eye of his heart to be convicted and ears open!” She corrects. Then she questions, “What made him speechless?”

“Yes. It is God. I can only do my part. he has nothing to say against the Protestants. Great. And I thank God for that. I can relate and understand the message clearly. I thank God to help me during post encounter.” I clarify.

So fast in her opinion, “Share your dream and not think in your own wisdom you want to wait for everything to clear.”

“He enables me to point to the right verse for the given questions.” I continue on the post encounter.

She suggests, “If you wait it could be too late. As you share with the body of Christ, they can pray against the dream if it is not good or protection over you.”

“I don’t want to lose my husband. Unexpectedly, he goes to church. During intercessory prayer, I share it and the lady mentioned I need to share it to my cell leader. Then I share. They guide me to cast it down. Too soft.” I confess. My imagination guides my fingers however articulate it wrongly, “Can’t kick the devil away.” Kicking the devil away plays in my mind repetitively.

Abruptly she advises, “Never hesitate to share with your SS and CG.” She answers, “Never hesitate to share with your SS and CG.”

“Yes. SS says so.” I continue and explain further, “I realize the tone of my voice.”

So full of her opinion to get my wrong message, “By saying that you believe that Satan is greater than Jesus.”

“Nope.” I fed up in the way I express myself.

She corrects my thinking, “That what you feel by saying : Can’t kick the devil away.”

“Jesus’ authority and the tone of His voice,” I continue and feel frustrated to explain myself.

She does a screenshot of the wording, “There is power in the name of Jesus.”

“I have been thinking about the Bible,” I express.

She presses on, “The fact that you said : Can’t kick the devil away. That means you entertain the thought!” This is frustrating to talk to a fast person when I want to share about myself.

“It’s not. Can you please listen?” I plead.

Abrupt opinion, “Then can you please don’t say that!”

“Ok,” I answer instantly. Then I re-clarify, “I’m trying to say. I have been thinking about the Bible in how Jesus’ voice tone to cast out the devil.”

She says, “No, it was not what you said. The bible never said: Can’t kick the devil away.” I feel so tired talking to her and reply, “Yes”.

She exclaims, “But instead the bible cast out every demon!!!” So I apologize, “Sorry if I don’t express it correctly.”

I begin to understand the reason people misunderstands her. Because she ever asked me, “Why people misunderstand me?” She is too fast in her opinion rather than fully listen.

She pinpoints, “Don’t try to cover up your mistakes. If you don’t know something, admit you don’t know and not try to give people impression you know.” Her abrupt opinion again of me. When I don’t say I know.

“Can you please hear me out?” I plead again. Then I continue, “I have been thinking about the Bible. I am wondering about the tone of Jesus tone to cast out the devil. When Jesus rebuke the devil in Peter, “get thee behind me Satan.” In Matthew 16:23. That has been impressing my heart until now.”

Finally, she listens and responds, “Yes, and?” I feel so glad.

“Thinking about the tone of my voice.” I wonder.

She corrects, “Nothing to do with your tone of voice rather than the way of praying against the devil. How does a warrior fight? Gently or in authority?”

“In authority with love and compassion.” I’m thinking in terms of human interaction.

“You fight with the devil in love and compassion?!!!!” She loudly exclaimed. Then I realize she means spiritual realm until, “What rubbish are you talking about?”

“Nope. I thought is to hate sin but love enemy because God wants everyone to be saved. Do you mean the spiritual realm?”

“Frustrating talking to you!!! We have been taking about casting out devil!!!”

“Oh ok. No love and compassion to the devil,” I answer.

She poses a question, “You have?”

“Hatred to the devil.” I answer. Phew. This is so tiring.

Then I clarify, “Whenever I want to say something,

  1. At times thank God it is said clearly
  2. At times I feel so pulled and silenced
  3. At times I say it wrongly :(”

She expresses, “More than that : You need to stay focus on the topic and not talk about something else not related to it.”

“Got it. Thank you for this.” Finally to resolve this. Needing her voice to speak out I ask her, “Do you mind to record your voice? So that I can remember it much clearer. Thank you to do so.”

When I share about Matthew 16:23 to SS, my cell leader, I feel being heard.

I begin, “SS, I have been thinking about the Bible. I am wondering about the tone of Jesus’ tone to cast out the devil. When Jesus rebuke the devil in Peter, “get thee behind me Satan.” In Matthew 16:23. That has been impressing my heart until now.”

“What do you mean ‘Impressing’? disturb you? Or you feel He is so great to sense the devil behind Peter?” She questions.

I feel so validated and able to articulate, “I feel that He is so great to sense the devil behind Peter and can cast it away.”

“Don’t you know He is God in human form. He can even see through the heart,” she questions.

I feel better, “Yes. Those verses really makes me think a lot about Jesus.”

“Yes. What? You know He is God.” another question from her.

I comfortably answers, “Yes. He is fully God and fully Man.”

“Keep it up that He is God,” she encourages.

Thankfully I reply, “Yes. Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

It ends better. I begin to understand the frequency between my cell leader and I. After I clarify with my business mentor, suddenly my cell leader, “Hi! Tienny, would you like to join Business mentor and myself for worship on the 15Jan, this Friday at 10am at my shop? Thanks.”

“Sure, I reply instantly.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Push My Button

Meaning well without understanding
Claiming to understand me
Presumptions take over

Push my button
Mouth opens
Learn to be assertive

Confronting her assumptions with facts
The cause of wives abuses
Stopping her wrong thinkings

Grateful for husband to check on
Maid employment agencies
Letting him to own the responsibility

He speaks out
We are getting back together
Only certain part I will do

Our son seeks for cooling bed
He voices out
Remove the mattress protection

Push my button
I resolve and explain the difficulty and
Time consuming to dry the mattress

His excuse
Our son seldom urines
I speak out on the helper’s productivity

My response is based on facts
Increase our helper’s productivity
Stopping the talker passing responsibilities
To me and the helper
Being the doer suffer the consequences of
Walking the talkers’ assumptions without basis
Cleaning the mess of mistakes

Inspiration On: Monday, 4 January 2016

By faith, I proclaim the prayer for my husband. Then I realize God has done it before I receive the proclamation prayer from SS. I almost can’t believe it. It has happened and I thank God for it. Then I share His blessings to SS. She praises God and encourages me to continue. When we arrive Thomson Medical Centre, mum requests the doctor to do urine tests for the stated health report. I need to learn in this. I thank the Lord and appreciate her to show it. During waiting for gynae, we go for lunch at nearby cafeteria. We wait for 3 hours and see doctor Tan Wee Khin. Wow! She looks much better in her hairstyle. The nurse does papsmear. Doctor Tan checks my breasts and womb. My womb is very good. She asks my age and encourages me to have another one if I want to. Mum shows my health report to her about the urine issue. She comforts mum that drinking more water can solve the issue.

When we are waiting for the bus, mum tells me something I can’t remember. It pushes my frustrated button.

Inside I feel that I have never been so humiliated in my life. I do my best to love my parents and listen to their requests to get married first. Being fooled, humiliated and labeled by my husband and my mother in law. They also humiliate my parents. I can’t stand it and God sees and hears my prayers. I see His love and providence in projects work. I grabbed it desperately. Then my parents and siblings also label me badly. I do my best in ministry and work until I burnt out. See demons using my family members to shoot at me. The first one to get saved. Do they know it? All blame arrow points to me. Passing through my breastplate of righteousness. Causing mental breakdown. I also see God and satan at work through my friends. Thus it cause me a lot of confusion and lose trust in humans. However, I still can’t stop caring. Now, I am trying to discern and be prudent. My rright side head is more painful. Does she knows it?

I confront her of forcing me to use my right hand. Her perspective is to let me look like common people. Using left hand looks awful and have bad handwriting. I rebuff her with the facts I see that left handed people also have neat handwriting, good values and lead successful lives. Yes. I thank her perspective and effort. However, my left hand is writing and my right hand is writing too. It causes me the confusion. She ever mentioned to do business. When I want to do it, she and dad with my siblings go against it. They choose not to help and just want to see the results. Attempting to improve my communication skills and feel stuck, my business mentor had a hard time understanding me. I feel bad. Instead of soothing, they push me to the limit. They can only dissuade me. Until I voice out that I am more independent and much happier before I date and married. The reason many married women are abused due to their parents marry them away instead of letting them gaining financial independence. She asks where do I hear it from. Other people’s podcast.

After do my personality test, my empathy, loyalty and abstraction are high. Thus this cause my downfall to be taken advantage. At the same time, those are also my good points to care others as Jesus cares.

Then I confront her on my son’s discipline issue. When I discipline my son, I need her to collaborate instead of undermining my authority. Thus giving him the lack of respect for my authority as a mother. Is it so hard for her to tell it behind closed doors? The way she does is likened to the empress dowager’s control. She feels better to return to her hometown since I don’t like the way she does. I want her to respect my authority and stop her wrong ways. I am still committed to care her in her old age. Is it hard to receive correction? I explain to her the reason senior citizens can’t find job. It is due to them lack of respect towards younger bosses due to their pride. Finally, I still hold her hands.

Then she warns me “You should be have been careful with that Malay guy and insist on answers to basic questions!!!!”

I have resolved in my heart not to do work with him. He dared to made her look bad in the WhatsApp group and told me not to have baby sitter. She had stated clearly she and I are business partners. That shows his lack of respect and patience. Too bad I forget to tell her so I reply her, “Sure. Thanks a lot. I’m being wary now.”

“Please…. I don’t wish to waste my time talking to you!!”

“Anyway I’m still interested to apply for the creative agency job that SS’s CG member introduce.” I learn to clarify myself because I’m working on the portfolio.

I feel so frustrated with my slowness and mental agility. Until I seek for my CG’s prayer requests, “May I ask everybody’s prayer for mental agility. Because my mind is so clogged up. I have been doing my best to understand certain things by re-reading it more than four times. Thank you.” SS responds, “I decree and declare that you shall grow in wisdom and stature and have favor with God and man. The Spirit of the Lord will rest on you, the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.” By faith, “Amen. Thank you SS.” She explains, “Surrender all your thoughts and confusion at the foot of the Cross.” I thank her and feel so inspired.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Diverse to Complement

We are too diverse
We complement each other

Complement each other’s strengths
Diverseness also causes conflict

Do humans’ weaknesses cause conflict?
Strengthen each other to overcome

An understanding and loving heart and mind
A repentant heart and mind

Inspiration On: Thursday, 4 June 2015 at 1:10am

Mum C’s poem titled We are twisted moves me to birth this poetry. Wish you all have good days and thank you.