Pain Awakes

Awake from pain
Awake through pain
Awake in pain

To see a person’s true colours
To separate the truth from lies
To realize own mistakes

Admit own mistakes
Only to be treated as scapegoat
Others throw their mistakes onto me

Letting others control over my life
Let them go by walking away
Enable me to be in control of own emotions

Speaking up to assert myself
Speaking up to create own boundary
Speaking up to stand up for others

Living in continuum pain
Seeking God’s healing
Live to please my Lord

Inspiration On: Monday, 28 April 2014 at 4:50am
Revised On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 9:30pm

Everyday’s pain in dealing with people births out this poetry. I learn to realise of my own weaknesses and to stand up for my family and myself. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Unbelievable Answered Limbo

Expecting communication skills guidance
Only to go through colour tests
Choosing the words that describe myself best
Listening to the instructions
Choosing the words in the cards describe me
Exchanging the cards not representing self with others
Return to respective seats

Coach instructs everyone
Count the most dominant colour cards
Thus I categorise and count
Arranging cards accordion to colour
Speechless with the colour card quantity
Four blue cards
Four green cards
Four yellow cards
Two red cards

Then he calls out those with most green cards
I lift up my hand
Explain green are yes people
Next he calls out the most blue cards
I lift up my hand
Explain blue are logical and negative people
The third call is the most yellow cards
I lift up my hand
Explain yellow are imaginative cheerful people
Fourth is red cards
My hand is on the table
He questions my red cards
Only two cards

Privately share my perspective of a map
Look like a flying bird to the coach
Due to I hear everybody answers America
Do I see wrongly?
Assures me
Nothing wrong with me
Due to belong to yellow card
Sudden revelation I tend to see things
In the bigger picture
An unbelievable answered limbo
The reason I don’t feel a sense of belonging

Inside my mind
Questions and wondering
What is God doing in my life?
Is God revealing about myself?
In the system training
My cell member’s questions are answered
Prepared to give her answer and informs her
Then I rush to the bathroom


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 27 April 2016

The communication workshop enables me to understand myself better. I just need to make sure the words in the cards describe me clearly. Huh? Suddenly, I’m surprised that my most cards are red, green and blue. Basically, I have four cards for each green, blue and yellow. And two red cards. I’m surprised to hear from the Lumina coach that I am well-balanced. That’s not what I want to hear. Then he forces us to choose one card out of all cards. I choose the yellow card, “my imagination leads me to no sense of reality”. However, the ideas have been executed and workable to solve the problem because I am a quiet person. So the coach separates us according to our colour choice. CMF is standing at the green whereas I stand at the yellow. However, the coach explains that I’m everywhere and well-balanced. I feel so sad to be separated from my friend. I share to the coach privately that I see American map as the bird. Hoping to understand myself. He reveals that I think of the bigger picture. I feel speechless because I can’t believe myself about myself.

In the system training and e-appraisal workshop, the person in charge explains how to use the system and welcome questions. My cell member’s question is answered. The transaction can be seen from system website seeing yesterday’s transactions.

Thank God for the courage to speak out and ask another colleague about IT and media department. She asks my experiences so I share from IT and arts background. I study in information system. However, due to my curiousity I manage to repair computer. When I ask about media department, my colleague reveals it is under marketing advertisement department. Suddenly, CMF rebukes me not to say such things unless I have a close friend in that department. That sends me an unhappy signal. Afterwards, I send message to her whether she is unhappy with me. She clarifies that she is concerned of me. In the lift, she carries my bag to see its weight. She mentions it is heavy and asks the things I bring. It is sketchbook, pencils, purse, cards, iPad and other miscellaneous stuffs.

The peace at the cell group meeting with SS, Lita, J and PL. I inform my cell member on the cut off date and viewing transaction. Glad for the peaceful clarification of declaring God’s Words to PM. Her questions are answered during continuing the Bible Study titled Spirit Soul and Body. After Josephine shares her husband and her unhappiness with her mother in law, I begin to share about Internet service provider issue and maid issue with my husband. My cell leader immediately assumes and pronounces her judgment to let my son takes shower by himself. I can sense it is pointless to explain. I feel so overpowered. In the end, I choose to shut my mouth. Because they don’t fully listen. So I just ask for prayer for the maid’s issue.

As we walk towards the carpark, my cell leader holds my left hand. My cell leader apologises that they don’t understand me well enough because we just get along since last October. Apology is accepted. It’s not the time to speak it out first. Appreciate for the cell leader’s leader gives us a lift to the nearby train station.

On my way home, suddenly I receive an email from CMF asking, “Where are you?” That causes my imagination runs wild. Do I make a mistake again? Or is she trying to clarify herself?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Outlet Expression

Many art forms of expressions
Be good in one discipline
Now writing becomes natural
Learning to catch up in own drawing skills
Scriptwriting is so enjoyable
All these are the outlet of
Experiences and perspectives

What is God doing in my life?
Am I returning to the inner child?
Learning through backwards?
Is the Lord speaking to me?
Through my current job and current art trainer
Life is so different in
Different people


Inspiration On: Friday, 1 April 2016

I tell my art trainer DV that I feel that I am in the wrong job industry. He answers my dilemma that the experiences are never wasted. That is his career path into an animator. Lord, I pray for open doors. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Self-Realization

Self realisation awakes
Through the miserable feelings
Forcing myself for others
Inner self is seeking
Many outlets to come forth

Sketching
Drawing
Writing
Acting

Focus in one outlet first
Be good in one first
Never forget to
Own weaknesses and strength in Christ


Inspiration On: Thursday, 31 March 2016

Realising the miserable feeling comes from forcing myself in finance too much. My headache worsens. However, there is a release in the animation class. The release of feelings and the deep things ingrained and lingering.

O Lord, please strengthen me and open the gateway You lead me to. Inside feel so repressed. There is no outlet to come out.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Solve Creatively

Network error
Telephone with no outgoing tone
Monitor refuses to switch on
All are solved yesterday
During unpaid day leave

All equipment are restored
Technician accusation
Always look for the one who
Plug the network and telephone socket interchangeably


Inspiration On: Thursday, 31 March 2016

Monitor, network and phone cable are repaired yesterday. The technician assumes Mei Fong plugs the network and phone cable interchangeably. She tells me today. The extended monitor is at my left. So I need to move the mouse to the right. It’s irk me. I can’t move the monitor to the right due to its limited cable.
The notion to move the laptop to the left of the monitor. It solved my problem.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Stuck Again

Always stuck
Stuck in between
Stuck across schedule
Stuck in the many things

Praise God to make a way
His favour through my supervisor
Approves my request for unpaid leave
Attend morning to evening leadership course

Simultaneous events occur at night
Son is alone with the new maid
Own parents returns here
Cell group meeting

Seeking the Lord for His wisdom
Handle all these situations
Due to can’t split myself
Hunger and thirst for the right environment


Inspiration On: Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Lord, I feel stuck. Tomorrow, mum returns to here. There is a cell group too. Thank You for Your favour through Eric Tang that I can attend the leadership class. If I return home late, my son will be lonely. What should I do, Lord? Please help.

Insult Treatment

Dwell and sink deeper into
The meaning of insult
It is the pool of enduring
Deep insult and humiliation
Remind indescribable senses and feelings

Disrespect of person
Putting others down
Looking down on others
Of different statuses and differences
Harshly, sarcastically or mockingly

The way you treat others
Especially the weak is being treated
Reflects your inner character
Jesus teaches us in Matthew 7:12
Love others as the way you want to be treated


Inspiration On: Saturday, 20 February 2016

Suddenly, I feel so immersed to WC’s question about insult. As I tap and dig into my bad experiences, thank God to get the right words. I respond through text message to him, “For your question about insult. Insult means disrespect. It is putting others down either harshly, sarcastically or mockingly. Basically, it is the way you treat others.” Then I share to him about the way he treats SL well, “SL ever shared to me about her interview day to hafar. You gave her a can of Coke. She is so touched by your kind gesture. Normally, nobody gave her a can of Coke during her interview. Therefore, she chooses to stay and work in your dad’s company. She likes you as a person. A caring nature.”

Wish you all have good days and thank you.