The article about The Brain Difference That Allows People With Autism To Pick Up Tiny Details enlightens me to understand myself better and how I can overcome my weaknesses. I also hope such articles can help the younger autistic people to understand themselves better and receive earlier help. In conclusion, the autistic more likely to use two parts of their brain. Thus cause the slowdown.
Heavenly Father, You are the One who created me and knows me best. You have forgiven my sins. I forgive those who sins against me. Many times, You are speaking to me to see the trees and the tiny details of every observation. Please enable me to use the natural abilities You have blessed me with. In Jesus’ name I ask. Amen.
About my parents’ feelings
Keeping my silence
Imbues misunderstanding cues
Treated as a slow response
Rebuked to speed up my mental agility
Inspiration On: Monday, 9 November 2015
My dad analyzes that Singapore law is too money minded. Though I haven’t been having proper income after marriage, the little savings I have been saving is not entitled to free legal aid. He speaks personally to me about my mum and husband. He explains the reason my husband always laugh during dating. It is due to mum always cook good food for him. Mum is also easily being fooled by his courteousness and smiling face during dating with me. Inside my heart, I feel so upset due to not listening to God’s small still voice. I should have listened to God’s voice and make my own stand.
CW wants to talk to me personally about the Christian agency and the volunteers I am looking for to relief my ministry work.
Upon reaching the legal aid, the customer service officer just informs that my little savings is considered not entitled to free legal aid. Mum feels bad for not checking the matter correctly. And I wasted my trip and time to go for the free legal aid. If I use the wasted time to do my work and earn income, that is better. Why is my time always being disturbed with all these things? Being care too much is a pain in the ass. I care about others’ feelings too much. I tend to make things easy for them. Instead of helping me, some people enjoys to make things difficult to me. It’s great to practice my own boundary, say “no” in a polite manner and walk away.
Upon reaching home, dad analyzes the situation. He understands I make mistakes. Through my husband’s character and doing, my dad asks me whether I can stand of being tormented. I keep my silence. I feel bad for my parents and brother to endure humiliation with me. I am feeling worse to listen to them hurrying me to get married. However, my silence is being misunderstood. Why should parents hurrying own daughter to get married? But they tend to give more privilege to their sons. Inside I feel unfair. But I still care for my parents. Again, they dissuade me from publishing my own children’s books. They only care on their own opinions rather than honing their children’s potential. How many times do parents tend to relinquish their children’s potential?
Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Do I matter?
Or do I not matter?
Only to be a door mat
Or to be a floor mat
Is my dream unacceptable?
Only to be overwritten
Opinions are given to me to be listened
Is my voice unheard?
Due to my softness
My mind wanders
Aimlessly in the clouds
My legs wanders
Aimlessly between house and outside
Do I matter?
Or do I not matter?
Inspiration On: Sunday, 1 March 2015 at 4:20am to 4:34am
Driven by the strong feelings of depression, I begin to question my existence. Questioning the reason of me being alive instead of my eldest sister who is more intelligent then I do. Her intelligence and strong absorption in learning are praised by my parents. And I know I am slow. Hence, I do my best in my studies. Escaping deaths thrice plus twice. I feel so tired of living and being taken advantage. Do I able to succeed to contribute to my family financially? Thank you for your time to read this poetry. Wish you all have good days and thank you.
Deep buried feelings were kept somewhere.
Painful memories were left unidentified for ten years.
Not ten years, more than that.
Unknowingly, it was planted since young.
It was sowed seed by seed.
Motivation of study is from external source.
Motivation of study only comes from mother.
No inner motivation to do so.
No sense of purpose in life.
No compass to guide me.
Only my parents are my compass.
We followed mother to her chosen destination to give us good future.
We lived in an uncle’s house due to lack of finance.
With my own eyes, I saw my mother being bullied.
I wish to stand strong, but I’m weak.
I’m standing at the corner.
I feel lost.
Angry with my self!
Why am I so slow?
Why am I a weakling?
Leave me alone.
I just wish to be quiet.
A slight headache.
Someone came to my rescue.
It is like a Light enters my heart.
There is a sense of purpose.
I need to stand strong.
But in the Light I can.
A door is closed.
But He opens a window.
A window opens my mind to marriage.
With just a few words through written message,
My past deep feelings were dug out.
No, I think I found out now.
Now I found out what it is.
Found out the root cause to fear of marriage.
It is the very seed that takes root in my heart since young.
It shaped my thinking.
It also shaped my heart.
Expressed on: Friday, 07 November 2008.