Barely Survive

Alarm rings
Immediate awake
Rush to my son to wake up
Request to be carried
Brain is boiling!
Again request to be carried
Hot steam blows out of my head
Abruptly goes down the bed

Sleepy eyes
Rushing him
Slowly walk around
Drink milk slowly
A fast child but slow to wake up
Feel drained
Due to opposite personalities

Inspiration On: Monday, 1 February 2016

I wake my five years old son up many times. He requests me repetitively to carry him out of the bed. Hot steam pour out of my head and lose my temper to go down his bed. So he goes down his bed. Waking him up nicely and still want me to carry him? He is 26kg and I can’t carry him anymore.

Oh no! The previous two helpers often carry him out of bed. No wonder he expects to be carried. My body can’t carry too heavy. Many times I carry heavy things, my chronic migraine worsens.

Rushing him to drink milk though he is still sleepy, wipe his face and change his clothes. Due to his slowness, I lose my temper and the bus driver scolds me for calling twice to my phone twice.

Then I realize that I need to train the new helper to let him go down his own bed.

Uncle WY forgot to call me due to rushing homework and for night pastoral bible class. Oh, I need his advise how to handle those who sow discord in the family and the church.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Accuser & Spoilt

No appreciation when doing right
Awaiting me to make mistakes
Criticizing and degrading
Awful feelings worse beyond measure
Losing oneself to give too much

Just doing little things
Obstinate own greatness
Refuses to admit own mistakes
Spouting curses with own lens
Disrespecting own life partner

Inspiration On: Friday, 30 October 2015

When I ask my husband to press my hurting acupoints, he keeps on nagging me on my lifestyle to see the computer. The part-time admin job I am doing doesn’t use computer. I have been using physical strength and mind focus. Thus I lose my temper and speaks harshly to him that my chronic migraine worsens after I give birth to our son. Abruptly he seizes the opportunity to blame me to blame our son. Angrily cursing me if I’m not his wife, he doesn’t care if I die. He says that he says it out of concern. But I disbelieve him. Unexpectedly, I give the devil a foothold and am reminded the nightmare he was finding my fault as an excuse when our son was sleeping on the bed. However, his true nature is revealed. He walks towards the door. When he is going to open the room door, I push him and stop him from opening the door. I don’t want our son to be hurt. He points to me that I’m in the wrong. Then he finds fault with my mum about the card top up and his bank statement. I rebuff him that my dad has cleared the misunderstandings. So I bring his mum into the picture. He keeps on pushing for evidence. Pushing and pushing. My tone rises up with the reality. After his mum failed attempts wanting to hold the household groceries last two years, this year July he demanded to handle the household groceries. He admits it his own mindset. This remind me the coffin nightmare. This clearly reveals he doesn’t admit his mum’s instigation. He feels tired of this. Yes. It is my fault to speak harshly. So I apologize to say so and to push him. But he doesn’t admit his own fault. He feels I care for my parents, church and help others. So he insists to divorce and sell our flat. But I disagree. Inside I feel so betrayed not to listen to my parents. I show compassion to my mother in law. Only to be hurt by her. Does he knows this?! Until I angrily rebuke him. “Is his mother his wife?! Or am I his wife?!” Is my intercession for him to live and to take me away to be with Him useless? I have been feeling that I am a burden and feeling so guilty for physical and mental limitations. I really appreciate those who have been loving and helping me. Perine’s words quoting King David’s intercession for his first son with Bathseba useless so I need to stop mourning. Siti’s mother is a widow who remarried again and the quarrel stopped. Realizing the pattern from my grandparents. My grandma (dad’s side) is a widow. Is the Lord protecting me from something abusive from my husband that my dad is anticipating? Is the Lord breaking the generational curse?

Though I feel responsible of my own mistake, the Lord reveals the true nature of my own husband. No wonder I feel repressed. He is a spoilt brat who is a male chauvinist. I regret to confide in him my failings. Only to be put down. He refuses to admit his own mistakes. I thank the Lord to know he is trying to pressure me to kick my parents out of the house. He is just making an act to ask his mum to stay her hometown. If my parents are kicked out, his mum definitely came. Never in my life to meet a scheming man. Tomorrow, he brings our son out by himself. No wonder I feel so pressured and stressed to be with him. No appreciation when I do what is right. And I reject his personality in my heart completely. Our son’s pet fish was killed by him. However, he pushed the blame to our son until he cried out blameless until I need to comfort the little child.

He keeps spouting his own greatness and I don’t do anything. Making an excuse to engage an outside helper rather than lessening his burden. Always taking other couples’ examples. However, I don’t say out about my brother in law who cares for my sister and wanting to engage a helper. Buying groceries for only three months already complain. Always say he has done a lot. I buy the groceries out of responsibility. My mum lends a helping hand due to my physical limitations and migraine. In the end, I remind him that he keeps on insisting he is very smart and blur. Until he admits he is not great. Slaps a fifty dollar note onto the sofa hand to make a clean break he doesn’t care on the things I buy. He only bothers the household.

Surprisingly, the Holy Spirit helps me to calm down after the fight. As I write these down, I feel His presence comforting me. The Lord knows my heart to feel so worse. Is He going to send someone again to catch me? Just like the business mentor/partner who is a sister in Christ. All I can think is for mothers to bring children to workplace. Every mother takes turn to care the child. Looking at the photos of my happy parents from their short overseas trip makes me happy.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.