Threats to Assert Boundary

The more I assert myself nicely
Choose to speak to the boss
Refusing to believe the driver is the boss
Ignoring his bus horn
Threats against me are poured out

Everyone is informed
Parents are extremely concerned
Dad justifies my actions
Mum disagrees vehemently
Own husband only care of his own pocket

Lord, this is so disappointing
I feel so insecure with my own husband
No wonder I feel so tired
Please grant me a job
Bless the business idea that comes from You

Inspiration On: Thursday, 4 February 2016

The school bus driver still insists to fetch my son from another block instead of my block. I feel so upset. All my life, people take my kindness for granted. I assert my boundary and refuse to agree with their negotiation. The auntie points to me that the driver is the boss. Furthermore, I refuse to believe the driver is the boss. I have paid the bus fee and yet he tells me to walk to other blocks. Who is the paymaster? If he is me, will he like to be treated like that? Now, the ‘Confronting Jezebel’ book is getting alive. The Bible is true that, “out of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

Upon reaching home, my son informs that the driver threatens to tear my face. I never expect to bring out the best or the worst in people. My
dad and mum are concerned about it. My son asks me the reason I choose to be picked up at our block. I answer that most people take my kindness for granted and enter into my boundary. So I have enough of it and assert my boundary. Then I explain the meaning of service to the client. Such lazy attitude is wrong. When I want to talk to the school bus boss, my mum and dad don’t let me talk. She calls thrice, but no answer. At night, she calls again and speaks to the school bus boss.

During learning cooking dinner, my mum mentions to me that I need to respect child’s opinion and feelings in terms of giving unused toys away. That is enough to throw a bomb into sleeping volcano. I have been considering my son’s opinions, feelings and spiritual growth. I am concerned of his growth and worried of him getting spoilt. She feels that her way is right. I confront her for being too opinionated and always overwrite my discipline towards my son. I appreciate her help. I say that I shouldn’t have listened to get married earlier. However, she gets the wrong meaning. She feels that she is at fault and just wants to go back to her hometown. So that gives me the meaning that she wants to quickly marry me off. If I have spoken up earlier, my autism won’t get worse as now. Again I talk about the business execution and my disappointment with her behaviours. She wants to do business yet she dissuaded me to publish a book. In the end, she asks me whether I want money to do the business. “It’s not about money. It’s about support. Other family members can cooperate to support each other to do business together,” I answer. That’s enough to silence her. Then she replies, “help in what area? I’m not good in English.” Then she retaliates whether I want to be forced to learn my own mother tongue. I wish I can learn it well. Now, I need to earn money first. She can’t do marketing is her excuse unless I know someone who can do marketing. When she asks whether I know, I choose to keep quiet to keep her expectations lower. My business mentor is in my mind Though I argue with her, I still have the commitment to take care of her in her old age. Now, I need to get the job so that I can do the business to fulfill my vow to the Lord. I don’t want to disappoint God. And also a job so that I can take care of my parents. It aches my heart to see my own husband wants to kick my parents away after our son grows up. If I get a job before I accepted my husband’s proposal, I can mature faster and be more independent. And even prevent them from being treated badly. Or may not be that’s not the case. I never expect throughout this ordeal, I learn more about God and see the real truths from everybody. I ache for my son too who learns to exaggerate on certain issues. I’m surprised by his good points who knows who is in the right and wrong. I’m grateful for his gratitude and helpfulness towards my parents. Her point nor to confront small people is to protect my son from danger. I answer that I can’t stand such people anymore. That may cause the person to get worse. She gives two scenarios – either the boss is afraid of lacking employees or tell the employees off. Thank God to be reminded of my ex-boss who can manage his gangster staff and that staff pleads loyalty to the company.

My son speaks out to his dad about the school bus driver’s threats. Kids are kids. Kids don’t fully understand the situation. My husband’s words and actions disappoint and give me more insecurity. “It’s expensive to pay $70 monthly. Might as well send and fetch our son by own self.” This gives me the strongest message that I don’t need to work. Might as well he sends and fetches our son himself. Then he’ll know the feelings. Suddenly, I am visually reminded of Apo, my cousin who often go to my house confiding in my mum. Her bruised face beaten by her husband. What is happening?

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Why Do You?

Why do you come into my life?
Why do you come to mess my life?

Why are you jealous of me?
Your grades are better then mine.
You have smarter brain than I am.

Why are you so suspicious of me?
Where do I give you misunderstanding?
I just want to bless you surprisingly.

Why do you use my weakness to put me down?
I thought you are my confidant.
There is so much thing I want to share with you.

My lips are tight
I can not trust you

Why I can not trust you?
Because you lie to me!
Because you add wounds to my salt!
Make my life like a hell!

Why do you believe the devil’s lies?
Do you love to misjudge others?
Do you still live in your mother’s cloud of influence and decision?

Why do you take advantage of my naiveness?
Why do you take advantage of my confusion?
Why do you love to put your words into others’ mouth?
I can not believe your words anymore.

Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12pm

A lot of strange events occur in my life. When I mean well, my mother in law and husband misunderstood me. When I begin to trust him again and confide in him, he betray my trust. Maybe I look highly of him. Every year, my mother in law gave warnings of divorce threats to me. Then my husband always let me to make the decisions. When the result of my decision turns out well, no appreciation. Yet when the result of my decision is wrong, he always pick on me and put me down. I have felt worse. Yet he makes me feel much worse. Despite my parents warning, I feel foolish to pity my mother in law. But she falsely accused my mother and I out of her jealousy. Recently, my husband loves to start to the quarrel and blame me. Wish you all have good days and thank you.