Standing Up Again To Be Criticized

The joy of the Lord is improving my thoughts
Watching movie as a family excites me
Only to be criticized
Not being detailed
Without realizing my struggle
Standing up again
Striving to get my structure back


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 16 December 2015

I bring my son out to due to missing the time with him. Doing the butterfly sticker with him. I miss this. After putting him and the maid at the playground, I go to the library to do work. I didn’t able to complete all the task list. This is so frustrating. At home, after dinner I want to complete the resume and portfolio. However, my husband bugs me that our son wants to watch ‘Snoopy Movie’. I relent due to feeling guilty not spending family time enough. Now I begin to see the same pattern continues. No wonder my career suffers. In the end, the resume and portfolio that I need to send by email is at the back burner.

The movie begins from the protagonist who owns A dog named Snoopy. I can relate to Charlie Brown who does his best in everything he does. My son and I enjoy it but not my husband.

Upon reaching home, my parents point out not to tire my son to bring him for movie. It is due to him not taking nap. Then dad shares his findings about the white blood cell in my urine sample in mandarin. The best doctor is gynecologist. Then they advise me to tell to my husband to search it rather than making a big round. I have told him during dinner time. He concludes to let me decide. I decide to find the gynecologist. They keep commenting that I do not listen to them. But this time the Lord has enabled me to be ahead of their concern. Mum tells me to observe my son more due to my maid isn’t doing enough. Then she boasts that she is very detailed. However, I feel she is not so detailed. Why? I have to tell her that the maid ate the food I ate. My brother had a flat feet. They only know it when my brothers and I are in our 20s. I’m trying my best to stand up again. When I begin to stand up again, they begin to make me feel more guilty. They don’t even know I am struggling especially losing my structure. Parents are full of their opinions and think highly of themselves. Still say they understand me. However, they don’t. Well. I learn a lesson from Snoopy movie. He doesn’t bother his friends. Therefore, he can complete his homework essay. My business mentor is right. People’s opinions tend to get the better of me. I shouldn’t be bothered. I care too much for them to get married. The quotes gate is right stating, “You can do 99 things for someone and all they’ll remember is the one thing you didn’t do.” I have enough of this. No wonder my working mood is lost at home.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

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Voice Returns

Voice recorder is found
Lost voice returns
No more being voiceless
Crying out for help
Seeking to be heard and understood
Creating boundaries to have own space
Rest from the weary life


Inspiration On: Friday, 7 November 2015

My sony voice recorder is found in a pencil box. I found it by accident when I am looking for a pen knife to open the delivered books from an online bookshop. I’m so happy and surprised of myself. I am able to voice out to my mum to listen to me rather than always listen to their opinions.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Harsh Tone Hurts

My business partner is also my business mentor. Her tone and expression confuse me. Though I know she cares, her expression confuses me. So I learn to tell her that. But she judgmentally says I’m like her daughter in law to read her body language. I’m hurt to hear that. I don’t mean that. When she says that she has been telling me something in an angry tone, I realize that I can’t stand being antagonised.

I thought there is someone who wants to understand me and encourage me to speak up. But when I speak, I don’t feel accepted. Most likely, I can’t stand people who immediately jump to their conclusion. “Are you able to pay Olivia Loh Ing?” Her harsh tone hurts my heart awfully! It is so unwelcoming! It is not encouraging me to speak. It is so judgmental. It hurts me a lot, Lord. When I am prepared to come out with the little money I have, she seems to antagonize me. She feels that startups are supposedly to hire volunteers to do the animation project. This is distressing. Where should I go first? What should I do? Why do my brain reducing? Is it due to my family members always discourage me to work? Is it also due to my perpetual chronic migraine cause me to slowdown? I can sense from her tone that she feels she has been giving me ideas for the logo design. She feels that the three logo pictures she sends are the best from among all my researched logos. I’ve researched the how to design logo again. I never expect she also browses upon it and sends it to me. When she questions me about it, I feel speechless. I don’t know how to explain it in words. Yet she jumps to conclusion that I don’t do my research. This is so distressing. It hurts. Though I am thankful for her help, it’s so judgmental. I feel so lonely yet can only forgive her just as my Lord Jesus has forgiven me. Throughout my life, I feel so hurt. Is it due to I care too much? Is it due to forcing myself too hard? Why am I the one who often being put down? In the family and when I go out to find work and start to do business. My motto is to stand on my value and encourage others. I disagree in putting others down.

Suppressed Voice

Voice recorder is lost
Nowhere to be found
Voice is totally lost
Lost in suppression
Suppressed beyond measure
From empty threats

Thus losing own voice

Now is in the midst of
Searching own voice
Amongst many crying voices
Wishing to the Lord to return to Him


Inspiration On: Saturday, 12 September 2015 at 11pm

The voice recorder, which I use to record the truth, is nowhere to be found. I have extracted all the recording into a hard disk. It is placed on the wooden table. However, the recorder is gone. Where else do I misplace it? Do someone take it? The above poetry births out when I feel that I’m not heard. My parents, the confinement lady and my maid who knows the truth encourage me to speak the truth. However, the perpetrator tends to sow discord between my parents and I. Wish you all have good days and thank you. 

Inner Voice

A voice beneath the surface
Speaks
Echo into my

Inner being
Inner heart
Inner mind

Blessing me
With
Strength to arise


Inspiration On: Wednesday, 3 June 2015 at 3:50pm

It all begin with “a voice beneath the surface”. From there, more words come along to birth this poetry. I thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ to strengthen me and bless me with the inner strength to arise from my hurts. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

The Voice Within

Within me
There is
A voice

Speaking
Echoing
Unexplainable words

Comforting
My chaos
Heart and mind

In the midst of
Noisy world and many voices
Footsteps rushing around

The voice within
Always
There for me

Within me
There is
The voice within


Inspiration On: Saturday, 7 March 2015 at 7:17pm

The voice within birthed out during queuing in a book shop to pay for stationary. It began with the right words – the title. It helps me to search for the right words to speak. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Voiceless

Brushing own opinion aside
Casting own voice away
Dragged by others’ decision
Am I voiceless?

Too caring?
Too concern?
Living in accordance to others’ voice
Am I voiceless?

Unwilling to hurt others’ feelings
But I am hurting inside
Alive but voiceless
Losing myself
Loneliness rule

Voicing out
Only to be rejected
Only to be misunderstood
Loneliness rule

Taken for granted?
Taken advantaged?
Loneliness rule
Am I voiceless?

Am I voiceless . . . ?
Are my opinions worthless?
Does ………
……. anybody
……………….. care?


Inspiration On: Monday, 21 April 2014 from 12:45am to 4:38am

Current upheaval life from inside and outside rubbed salt into my past pain and worsened it deeply. Thus, such feelings evokes and birthing out this poetry. Wish you all have good days and thank you for reading my poetry.