Accuser & Spoilt

No appreciation when doing right
Awaiting me to make mistakes
Criticizing and degrading
Awful feelings worse beyond measure
Losing oneself to give too much

Just doing little things
Obstinate own greatness
Refuses to admit own mistakes
Spouting curses with own lens
Disrespecting own life partner

Inspiration On: Friday, 30 October 2015

When I ask my husband to press my hurting acupoints, he keeps on nagging me on my lifestyle to see the computer. The part-time admin job I am doing doesn’t use computer. I have been using physical strength and mind focus. Thus I lose my temper and speaks harshly to him that my chronic migraine worsens after I give birth to our son. Abruptly he seizes the opportunity to blame me to blame our son. Angrily cursing me if I’m not his wife, he doesn’t care if I die. He says that he says it out of concern. But I disbelieve him. Unexpectedly, I give the devil a foothold and am reminded the nightmare he was finding my fault as an excuse when our son was sleeping on the bed. However, his true nature is revealed. He walks towards the door. When he is going to open the room door, I push him and stop him from opening the door. I don’t want our son to be hurt. He points to me that I’m in the wrong. Then he finds fault with my mum about the card top up and his bank statement. I rebuff him that my dad has cleared the misunderstandings. So I bring his mum into the picture. He keeps on pushing for evidence. Pushing and pushing. My tone rises up with the reality. After his mum failed attempts wanting to hold the household groceries last two years, this year July he demanded to handle the household groceries. He admits it his own mindset. This remind me the coffin nightmare. This clearly reveals he doesn’t admit his mum’s instigation. He feels tired of this. Yes. It is my fault to speak harshly. So I apologize to say so and to push him. But he doesn’t admit his own fault. He feels I care for my parents, church and help others. So he insists to divorce and sell our flat. But I disagree. Inside I feel so betrayed not to listen to my parents. I show compassion to my mother in law. Only to be hurt by her. Does he knows this?! Until I angrily rebuke him. “Is his mother his wife?! Or am I his wife?!” Is my intercession for him to live and to take me away to be with Him useless? I have been feeling that I am a burden and feeling so guilty for physical and mental limitations. I really appreciate those who have been loving and helping me. Perine’s words quoting King David’s intercession for his first son with Bathseba useless so I need to stop mourning. Siti’s mother is a widow who remarried again and the quarrel stopped. Realizing the pattern from my grandparents. My grandma (dad’s side) is a widow. Is the Lord protecting me from something abusive from my husband that my dad is anticipating? Is the Lord breaking the generational curse?

Though I feel responsible of my own mistake, the Lord reveals the true nature of my own husband. No wonder I feel repressed. He is a spoilt brat who is a male chauvinist. I regret to confide in him my failings. Only to be put down. He refuses to admit his own mistakes. I thank the Lord to know he is trying to pressure me to kick my parents out of the house. He is just making an act to ask his mum to stay her hometown. If my parents are kicked out, his mum definitely came. Never in my life to meet a scheming man. Tomorrow, he brings our son out by himself. No wonder I feel so pressured and stressed to be with him. No appreciation when I do what is right. And I reject his personality in my heart completely. Our son’s pet fish was killed by him. However, he pushed the blame to our son until he cried out blameless until I need to comfort the little child.

He keeps spouting his own greatness and I don’t do anything. Making an excuse to engage an outside helper rather than lessening his burden. Always taking other couples’ examples. However, I don’t say out about my brother in law who cares for my sister and wanting to engage a helper. Buying groceries for only three months already complain. Always say he has done a lot. I buy the groceries out of responsibility. My mum lends a helping hand due to my physical limitations and migraine. In the end, I remind him that he keeps on insisting he is very smart and blur. Until he admits he is not great. Slaps a fifty dollar note onto the sofa hand to make a clean break he doesn’t care on the things I buy. He only bothers the household.

Surprisingly, the Holy Spirit helps me to calm down after the fight. As I write these down, I feel His presence comforting me. The Lord knows my heart to feel so worse. Is He going to send someone again to catch me? Just like the business mentor/partner who is a sister in Christ. All I can think is for mothers to bring children to workplace. Every mother takes turn to care the child. Looking at the photos of my happy parents from their short overseas trip makes me happy.

Wish you all have good days and thank you. 

Why Do You?

Why do you come into my life?
Why do you come to mess my life?

Why are you jealous of me?
Your grades are better then mine.
You have smarter brain than I am.

Why are you so suspicious of me?
Where do I give you misunderstanding?
I just want to bless you surprisingly.

Why do you use my weakness to put me down?
I thought you are my confidant.
There is so much thing I want to share with you.

My lips are tight
I can not trust you

Why I can not trust you?
Because you lie to me!
Because you add wounds to my salt!
Make my life like a hell!

Why do you believe the devil’s lies?
Do you love to misjudge others?
Do you still live in your mother’s cloud of influence and decision?

Why do you take advantage of my naiveness?
Why do you take advantage of my confusion?
Why do you love to put your words into others’ mouth?
I can not believe your words anymore.

Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12pm

A lot of strange events occur in my life. When I mean well, my mother in law and husband misunderstood me. When I begin to trust him again and confide in him, he betray my trust. Maybe I look highly of him. Every year, my mother in law gave warnings of divorce threats to me. Then my husband always let me to make the decisions. When the result of my decision turns out well, no appreciation. Yet when the result of my decision is wrong, he always pick on me and put me down. I have felt worse. Yet he makes me feel much worse. Despite my parents warning, I feel foolish to pity my mother in law. But she falsely accused my mother and I out of her jealousy. Recently, my husband loves to start to the quarrel and blame me. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Worse Than Salted Fish

Washer >
Such an awful puke smell
Worse than salted fish
That pair of black socks
Ended in net box socks
For a week
Sometimes more than a week
Oh no!
Its puke smell is
Worse than salted fish
My poor nose
But I have to endure
I should endure
To fulfill my responsibility
Months pass
A year pass

Me >
One day
Sniff! Sniff!
Salted fish?
Worse than salted fish
Searching its source
Following the puke smell
Leading me into the kitchen
In between kitchen and bathroom
Such an awful smell
Flying from the net box
For putting socks
A pair of black socks
Oh! It’s my husband’s socks

Washer >
Confess the low frequency to wash
A pair of my husband’s socks
Worse than salted fish

Me >
Should have told me earlier
Immediately tell my hubby to daily wash his
Pair of socks by putting into
That net box socks
But it fall into deaf ears
Conclude to helper to daily collect his socks
Two days pass by
One night explain the killing puke smell
Days pass by with daily socks collection
One day
He drops his own socks

Inspiration On: Friday, 23 August 2013 at 11:12pm
Inspiration On: Saturday, 24 August 2013 at 9:11am

Finally, today is the first day my husband takes out his socks and drops it into its washing box. But my happiness was only last for one day.