Return Shirk Responsibility

Can not stand those who shirk responsibility
It dawned upon me

The reason
Being wronged
with and without making mistakes
All blame is fully pushed onto my head

The reason
Lost self-worth
Understanding lost temper
Due to overloaded with many tasks

The reason
Scattered self
Lost self
Guilt ridden
Crying endlessly
Being diagnosed with bipolar
Expressionless
Tired of life
Seeking the Lord to bring me home

Smash!
Return his tasks back to him
Return his words back to him
To stop from
Being taken advantage

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Inspiration On: Friday, 20 November 2015

The purchased groceries are wrong. So I correct my husband. Yet he dares to say, “As mentioned previously, I shall only take care ur daily meals so u don’t starve, but I still buy for u and u complaints a lot. I owe u a living? Since u are working now and have own income, it is fair that u take care and buy ur own item. Please don’t come to order me to buy anymore and complaints. Thks.” Wow. Still can say thanks. Suddenly, the words of my business mentor echoes so I use it to rebuke him, “You are the one who buy the wrong one. You are the one who say to me that you want to buy the groceries.”

Now I can see his real face, “Do u send any info when asked me to buy? And those r not groceries, those r what u want to use but I don’t use. U should buy for urself whatever u want to use.” Again my business mentor’s words inspires me, “Be more observant.” So I tell him off, “I have the written the correct words. The one that you buy does not state the correct words. Be more observant.

He is a great schemer to say, “As I mentioned, I don’t use those item. If u don’t like what I bought for u, u should go and buy for urself, not asking other to buy for u.” All I can respond is, “You learn to buy. You are the one who said want to retire early. You are the one who said want to have a child. You are the one who said to give allowance.”

He loves to say I argue when he is the one who wants to argue, “Sorry, I got limited SMS. I don’t want to argue all this and wasting my SMS as I still need the free SMS quota for work. Just buy for urself since u working.” Unexpectedly, I argue back, “I don’t need such excuse. I just start to work and don’t earn much. Yet you still have the cheek to say such things. The myojo instant noodle is not the one I normally eat.”

He reminds my words, “U also say u want to work to share all expenses, but after 5 years saying u r not bringing anything to support and all burden to me.” Now, I begin to see the reason I have a hard time to secure a job. Associate with a wrong person can cost my mental and physical issues. I respond according to the fact, “You are a good talker. I’m not even you.” He seems to hurrily respond, “Then don’t talk. Case closed.” I argue, “Case is not closed.”

His message makes me laugh, “Up to u. My side case closed, if u feel not closed, it is ur problem. I am not going to reply ur SMS anymore.” I just respond, “It is your problem too. Then talk.” Such an excuse, “Don’t talk better. I don’t want to have another fighting in front of kid. It is not good for kid growth.” I suggest, “Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others. Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others.”

It is contradicting for him to say, “Up to u to think whatever about me. I don’t care & also tired to explain for ur understanding. I have nothing to talk with u except issue related to kid.” The more I return his shirk responsibility back to him, “Then tomorrow you bring son yourself.” He is a cunning fellow, “I have no problem if u, as a mother, feel that our issue can make u, as a mother, don’t care about kid school. Just pass to me his birth cert, our marriage cert and his bank details including card and I will settle myself. If the school require ur sign, I will inform u and u come at ur convenient time.” I end it, “I don’t want to sign. You sign it yourself. You are his father. You are the one who wants to cancel his Hebron school. You go to his school to inform them.”

Then he replies, “As I mentioned, pass me his birth cert, our marriage cert & his bank details. I will sign & only called u if they need u to sign. I will inform Hebron also.” Absolute answer to him, “Nope. You go and ask them first. Then you cancel Hebron first. You are his dad.”

All I think is to post scenery sketch to YY. A way to thank her and to show my appreciation. I like her personality until I can’t help except to sketch waterfall scenery for her. It suits her. So I leave my room, get envelope, and enter playroom to find postage stamp in the drawer. I can’t find it. Oh, I had moved the box to my part time job office. Creaks. My ears detect it. My husband enters into the storeroom. Then I return to my room. He enters with a screwdriver! I abruptly stand at my drawer to protect my son’s and my marriage certificate. Oh no! He refuses to respect my boundary. He pushes. I stand strongly not to be pushed. His infuriated breath sounds so strong. Mightily he pushes me. My back head knocks against the bed side. Right hand and right calf pains a bit. Suddenly, my parents enter our room. My dad warns him fiercely. Don’t lay a hand on his daughter. Or else he’ll discipline my husband. My dad definitely accept his fight. He furiously quarrel with my dad. It led both of them out of the room. BANG! I close my room door with my mum inside. Fearfully, I unlock my drawer. Take out the certificates. Pass it to mum. Then I take a cloth bag to cover it. Through the door, I heard my husband blames I am the one who pushes him first. I raise my voice that he is the one who pushes me first. I am guarding my drawer. I have said I refused to open my drawer. Yet he disrespect my boundary. He pushes me onto the bedside. I thank God for them and appreciate their love and care for me. If I listen to the impression in my heart, I would have moved the certificates into my office. The most safest place. Now, all the certificates are in my parents’ hands. Though it is safe, I am concerned on their lives. I quickly slip my will writing under a folder in order not to let my parents see.

Then he looks remorseful. His voice sounds kind. Persuading me to go to the other room to discuss. Every time he is the one who initiates to discuss. I have enough. Refuse to go over. All he can say is sorry. His sorry sounds remorseful. I want to accept his apology. However, I keep quiet. I want him to know his own wrong. I don’t want to be fooled and taken advantage anymore.

Then he text message me, “I am very sorry for just now incident. I don’t mean to cause u falling on ground. Sorry again. But I still don’t understand why u don’t want to pass those items to so I can complete everything within a day, I still cannot agree u keep all those documents for urself only” From it, I can sense he pushes the blame onto me.

He continues, “Anyway, we are at this stage where no trust between us. Do u still think we should stick together?” I choose silence treatment. That shows he doesn’t wake up to his senses. All he can do is blaming others for making him the way he acts.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.