Deep Deprivation

I want Jesus
Loving Him by loving others
Giving myself too much
Completely drained
Only to realize

Refusing to follow my dad’s footsteps
End myself in his footsteps
Who is deprived of his potential
Repetitively saying
Never hurt his mother
Willingly give me away to my childless uncle
Who chooses my four years elder sister
Thus she blames our
Unwilling mother to gave her away
Instead of finding the truth

Refusing to follow my mum’s footsteps
End myself in her footsteps
Who stands on her feet
Protecting her children from emotional abuse
Being rejected as my dad’s wife
Unwillingly submit to my dad to
Either gave my sister or me away

My mother in law
My husband
Hurls humiliation
Accusations towards
My parents
My good intentions
Taking my soft heart for granted
With her crocodile tears
My dad’s good intention to rebuke my husband
Pointing the main problem in his
Mother’s psychological mindsets
Highlight the importance to
Guide own mum from wrong paths

Even sowing seeds of discords
Between my parents and I
Found it by finding the truth
Between my son and I
Found it through his words
That she is afraid to come here
Afraid my dad will call police to catch her
Why does she has to say such words to a kid?!
Why does she has such presumptions?!

Enough is enough
Enough is enough
Lord, I feel so drained
Being pushed away and head knocks onto bedside
Shows his lack of self-restraint
I need to protect my boundary in Christ’s strength
Only want His will in my life

---

Inspiration On: Monday, 30 November 2015

I feel so worse for not being able to understand other people’s simple English message. After many repetitions of explaining the same words, then I begin to understand the message. Why is it like this? During my single days, I feel much happier and my English comprehension is better. Now, my understanding level slows down. I feel so upset. Until I tell mum that dad isn’t totally correct. He feels reading books are useless. In fact, it helps my inspiration. What’s wrong with me reading books? In fact, I do too much and repeat the same mistakes. Reading books can inspire and help me to solve in the things I do. When I tell mum about my slow comprehension, my brother comes out trying to help. Then he asks whether I need them to help me to understand the message or just for me to share. I answer to share out my frustrations.

Deep inside I feel exhausted due to loving my parents too much and want to protect them and make them happy. So when dad mentioned that girls no need to study high. Girls just need to get married. Does he ever bother to care about my thoughts? All he can is to put me down. What is wrong to do creative work? Is it because he can’t get the mechanical job thus he put his opinion onto me? Most likely. Finally, I blurt out my findings one year ago. The reason wives are abused due to their parents quickly marry them off. Many parents don’t see the importance to let their grown up daughters to gain financial independence.

Deep down in my core, I feel so dampened and helpless for not being able to protect my parents financially, to let them suffer humiliation with me and lesser times with my five years son.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Return Shirk Responsibility

Can not stand those who shirk responsibility
It dawned upon me

The reason
Being wronged
with and without making mistakes
All blame is fully pushed onto my head

The reason
Lost self-worth
Understanding lost temper
Due to overloaded with many tasks

The reason
Scattered self
Lost self
Guilt ridden
Crying endlessly
Being diagnosed with bipolar
Expressionless
Tired of life
Seeking the Lord to bring me home

Smash!
Return his tasks back to him
Return his words back to him
To stop from
Being taken advantage

---

Inspiration On: Friday, 20 November 2015

The purchased groceries are wrong. So I correct my husband. Yet he dares to say, “As mentioned previously, I shall only take care ur daily meals so u don’t starve, but I still buy for u and u complaints a lot. I owe u a living? Since u are working now and have own income, it is fair that u take care and buy ur own item. Please don’t come to order me to buy anymore and complaints. Thks.” Wow. Still can say thanks. Suddenly, the words of my business mentor echoes so I use it to rebuke him, “You are the one who buy the wrong one. You are the one who say to me that you want to buy the groceries.”

Now I can see his real face, “Do u send any info when asked me to buy? And those r not groceries, those r what u want to use but I don’t use. U should buy for urself whatever u want to use.” Again my business mentor’s words inspires me, “Be more observant.” So I tell him off, “I have the written the correct words. The one that you buy does not state the correct words. Be more observant.

He is a great schemer to say, “As I mentioned, I don’t use those item. If u don’t like what I bought for u, u should go and buy for urself, not asking other to buy for u.” All I can respond is, “You learn to buy. You are the one who said want to retire early. You are the one who said want to have a child. You are the one who said to give allowance.”

He loves to say I argue when he is the one who wants to argue, “Sorry, I got limited SMS. I don’t want to argue all this and wasting my SMS as I still need the free SMS quota for work. Just buy for urself since u working.” Unexpectedly, I argue back, “I don’t need such excuse. I just start to work and don’t earn much. Yet you still have the cheek to say such things. The myojo instant noodle is not the one I normally eat.”

He reminds my words, “U also say u want to work to share all expenses, but after 5 years saying u r not bringing anything to support and all burden to me.” Now, I begin to see the reason I have a hard time to secure a job. Associate with a wrong person can cost my mental and physical issues. I respond according to the fact, “You are a good talker. I’m not even you.” He seems to hurrily respond, “Then don’t talk. Case closed.” I argue, “Case is not closed.”

His message makes me laugh, “Up to u. My side case closed, if u feel not closed, it is ur problem. I am not going to reply ur SMS anymore.” I just respond, “It is your problem too. Then talk.” Such an excuse, “Don’t talk better. I don’t want to have another fighting in front of kid. It is not good for kid growth.” I suggest, “Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others. Then talk inside the room. You are just using the kid as your excuse. Every time quarrel you like to do it I front of others.”

It is contradicting for him to say, “Up to u to think whatever about me. I don’t care & also tired to explain for ur understanding. I have nothing to talk with u except issue related to kid.” The more I return his shirk responsibility back to him, “Then tomorrow you bring son yourself.” He is a cunning fellow, “I have no problem if u, as a mother, feel that our issue can make u, as a mother, don’t care about kid school. Just pass to me his birth cert, our marriage cert and his bank details including card and I will settle myself. If the school require ur sign, I will inform u and u come at ur convenient time.” I end it, “I don’t want to sign. You sign it yourself. You are his father. You are the one who wants to cancel his Hebron school. You go to his school to inform them.”

Then he replies, “As I mentioned, pass me his birth cert, our marriage cert & his bank details. I will sign & only called u if they need u to sign. I will inform Hebron also.” Absolute answer to him, “Nope. You go and ask them first. Then you cancel Hebron first. You are his dad.”

All I think is to post scenery sketch to YY. A way to thank her and to show my appreciation. I like her personality until I can’t help except to sketch waterfall scenery for her. It suits her. So I leave my room, get envelope, and enter playroom to find postage stamp in the drawer. I can’t find it. Oh, I had moved the box to my part time job office. Creaks. My ears detect it. My husband enters into the storeroom. Then I return to my room. He enters with a screwdriver! I abruptly stand at my drawer to protect my son’s and my marriage certificate. Oh no! He refuses to respect my boundary. He pushes. I stand strongly not to be pushed. His infuriated breath sounds so strong. Mightily he pushes me. My back head knocks against the bed side. Right hand and right calf pains a bit. Suddenly, my parents enter our room. My dad warns him fiercely. Don’t lay a hand on his daughter. Or else he’ll discipline my husband. My dad definitely accept his fight. He furiously quarrel with my dad. It led both of them out of the room. BANG! I close my room door with my mum inside. Fearfully, I unlock my drawer. Take out the certificates. Pass it to mum. Then I take a cloth bag to cover it. Through the door, I heard my husband blames I am the one who pushes him first. I raise my voice that he is the one who pushes me first. I am guarding my drawer. I have said I refused to open my drawer. Yet he disrespect my boundary. He pushes me onto the bedside. I thank God for them and appreciate their love and care for me. If I listen to the impression in my heart, I would have moved the certificates into my office. The most safest place. Now, all the certificates are in my parents’ hands. Though it is safe, I am concerned on their lives. I quickly slip my will writing under a folder in order not to let my parents see.

Then he looks remorseful. His voice sounds kind. Persuading me to go to the other room to discuss. Every time he is the one who initiates to discuss. I have enough. Refuse to go over. All he can say is sorry. His sorry sounds remorseful. I want to accept his apology. However, I keep quiet. I want him to know his own wrong. I don’t want to be fooled and taken advantage anymore.

Then he text message me, “I am very sorry for just now incident. I don’t mean to cause u falling on ground. Sorry again. But I still don’t understand why u don’t want to pass those items to so I can complete everything within a day, I still cannot agree u keep all those documents for urself only” From it, I can sense he pushes the blame onto me.

He continues, “Anyway, we are at this stage where no trust between us. Do u still think we should stick together?” I choose silence treatment. That shows he doesn’t wake up to his senses. All he can do is blaming others for making him the way he acts.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Restart and Re-learn

Restart and Re-Learn
Restarting new life
Re-learning everything in life
Asking directions
Outside home

---

Inspiration On: Friday, 6 November 2015 at 9:50pm

The bruise under my right eye lessen though laugh cause pain and my forehead points are in pain.

Today is my pay day so I go to the office to collect my cheque. My supervisor understands I want to cash out the cheque so she does not cross out the cheque. She kindly explains to me that cheque shouldn’t be crossed if need to cash it out. However, she warns me that if I drop it, anybody can cash it out.

I ask my business mentor about the pandora voucher. She explains it is jewelry shop. After I collect the $20 pandora voucher at funan, I inform my business mentor because I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t wear jewelry. She also does not fancy jewelry. So I ask the redemption shop on pandora outlet. She explains that I can call the mobile provider to ask for another useful voucher even though I win it. So I walk to the nearest pandora outlet. Everything is so expensive especially the gold. I can only afford the sterling silver. So I use the $20 voucher to offset the earring price and treat it as a gift to mum.

Oh no! Why am I re-learning everything? Why do my life seems to restart? This is saddening. I still want to move on.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Conversation Behind Screen

Physical bruises and injuries conversations
Reveals divine protection upon me
Testifying God’s hand in my life
Showing He is omnipotent

Whining in pain
Only to be told
Being a softie
I’m human depending in Jesus

Recognize own weaknesses
Don’t deter me
To continue my journey to move forward
In my recuperation phase

Some misunderstandings begin to
Clear
Understanding each other better

---

Inspiration On: Thursday, 5 November 2015

Though my business mentor and mum feel I don’t need to go for x-ray scanning, I have a bad feeling. My migraine worsens. My front forehead is in pain. At times, my left jaw is in pain.

They are shocked to hear that the 16 November part-time job gives me a space to work due to tight budget. Through WhatsApp, my business mentor “What?” sends a shock signal. True that she is shocked. I am surprised of her asking me, “Is this your first physical injury?” So I answer, “This is my first physical face injury.”

She clarifies, “Not just face. You mean you had body injury before?”

“Yes. Fingers, Ankles, and legs. Knees too. When I learn ice skating and riding bicycle. And also motorbike accident.”

More question, “Normal injury like cuts and bruises from fall?”

“Normal injury like cuts and bruises from fall?”

Of course, I am stating the fact, “Motorbike accident? Nothing serious but just a fall from it?”

I answer, “Yes. Hit by motorbike during my primary 4 days. Around a few meters. Almost fell into the drain. Thank God I didn’t fell into the dirty drain. My knees suffer injuries and bruises. And I sprained my knees.”

She interprets, “God shielded you from serious injuries. These are minor pains.”

I agree, “Yes. God shielded me.”

“Then no need be a softie…..”

“What do you mean by softie? In what way do I look like a softie?” I wonder.

“Talking about your swell and pain frequently. Not look. You are a softie.” She explains.

I question, “Do I look like one? I don’t feel so.”

She interrogates, “Why is it you don’t feel so? Well…. You think you are tough?”

“Nope.” I answer.

“And?”

I explain further, “I’m learning to be strong.”

“Experiential learning and challenges of life…”

That’s the conversation with my business mentor through WhatsApp who sees God in an autistic life.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Active vs Passive

Quiet people seems passive Passive in activities Passive in conversations But active listeners Passive in parties Bored to be with Few close friends Outwardly look weak Being physically passive Gives them energy But active in deep thinking and analyzing Think before talk

Outgoing people seems active Active in activities Active in conversations But passive listeners Active in parties Fun to be with A lot of friends Outwardly look strong Being physically active Brings them energy But passive in deep thinking Talk without thinking

Are you active or passive? There is an active part in a passive people There is a passive part in an active people Nobody is perfect Learn and improve from our own weakness Respect each others’ personality differences We are dependent upon each other Complementing each other As couples complement each other’s weakness As family members complement one another Why do we focus on other’s weaknesses? Why can’t we see each other’s strength? Nobody is perfect We are not perfect We are imperfect, but are work in progress

---

Inspiration On: Sunday, 2 June 2013 from 12:53am to 1:33am
Inspiration Ends On: Tuesday, 4 June 2013 at 2:35am

Most of the time, there are two categories of people either extrovert or introvert. I realized I belong to the latter upon reading personality book. My friends and even my husband ever said the same thing. They want to vomit blood whenever I asked them to repeat a few times because I often want to understand their words by listening to it.