Inner Reality

Courage enters to speak to the psychologist
He questions my relationship with my husband
Insecure word sum it all
Instead of speaking up he pushed me
Throughout interaction
Psychologist verbally diagnoses mild autism
Only communication

Determined to find out the truth
Self understanding to self management
Own mother disbelieves autism in me
Denying the autism fact in me
Speak about cell member’s disbelief
Report confirms her child’s dyslexia issue
Being in denial and speechless

Inspiration On: Friday, 26 February 2016

After meeting the psychologist, I inform my business mentor, “Today I had met the doctor. Throughout the consultation, he mentioned that I have mild autism in communication. He chooses not to write it down so that I can find a job. If want to do the test, it is a lot of test.”

“You need to do the test regardless. The government job program for autistic people requires every person to be categorized. Communication is the most important trait. I disagree with the doctor not to be truthful and honest about your condition. We need to be upfront and open in the job market. Your own experiences have proven that even you got the job as the employers had no idea of your condition they were not able to be accommodate your shortcomings and thought you could not perform. You seek the Lord yourself if you want to live an honest life. By not revealing (means deceiving), you may get a job but you may not able to keep the job.”

I am reminded of the next meeting for autism test, “The next appointment is on 29 March at 1:30pm. That is what I forget to tell you. Just now, the doctor asks my mum during my younger days.”

“What you forgot?” She questions.

Oh no! I need to clarify further, “I forgot to tell you on the next appointment to do the test.”

“It is not about the next appointment as much about what you think should be done especially if the doctor is doing the right thing. What did your mum say about your younger days,” she explains further and wonders.

The more I explain, “Slower than others. However, colouring is best. That’s feedback from my teacher to my mum. Good rapport with the teachers during the parents teachers meeting. They also find me slower.”

“And what’s the response(s) of the doctor?” she wonders.

So I reply based on my visual memory, “He writes it down. She also reveals that normally I don’t talk much about people. She admits that she got food poisoning during her 8 months pregnancy. My thoughts and actions are faster than my words. One year plus I can talk.”

“Nothing to do with you. You must pray for her to be released from this guilt. It is God who created you,” an unexpected response from her.

I am relieved of her bad impression towards my mum and answers, “Yes.”

“I meant it is not her fault. And not because of the food poisoning that she blamed herself for your condition.” is her conclusion.

The more I feel relieved and respond, “I don’t blame her. So I want to do my best. She has done her best during my younger days.”

“And she is not to be blamed.” she ends.

I inform her, “She seems to be in denial about my autism.” It reminds myself of realizing my autism. Now, I want to embrace it to understand and manage myself better. So that I can protect her and dad then help my son and others.

“Keep praying for your parents to come to encounter and know God.” she replies. Glad. Or else she’ll be blaming my mum.

I wonder whether Elsa from Frozen is an autistic. Nowadays, I crave a space to let go of my feelings through acting, dancing, drawing, writing, animation, and even musical instruments (piano).

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

6 thoughts on “Inner Reality

  1. My friend I thank you for all your words of honesty and for sharing them and yes… Paint, draw, write, sing… Do whatever it takes to bring out that unique, special, blessed person you are inside… Take good care, God Bless You and all that you have to face…💟

    • I know. I just want to understand myself better. So that I can manage myself and protect those whom I love. I don’t like it for my parents to say they understand me. In fact, I feel so pressed.

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