Face Reality

Reality strikes hard
Difficulty accepting the truth
Live in denial

Christ receives me back
Recovering my heartbrokenness and mentality
Bringing healing

His strength enters deep into the core
Standing up to face realities
Embracing the truth

Learn to self-understanding
Understand own son and others
Before helping others

---

Inspiration On: Thursday, 25 February 2016

I’m baffled to be so moved to register for the dyslexia course at a book council. Then today I found out that my cell member’s daughter dyslexia diagnosis is very high. She was so upset for her daughter to go for the test. Instead, the Lord enables me to get over the depression and to face it. Tomorrow, I am going for the autism self-assessment test.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Personality Test

Mum and I reach home to buy the travel bag. My dad and mum tell me the resolution to bring my own son wherever I go. Then mum shares her story to bring my brother and I to Singapore herself. This is upsetting. I prefer to bring the child out together. Why do I repeat my parents’ pattern?

Strange happening to see own husband returns home and wants to discuss again. Every time he is the one who wants to discuss. I just want to let the matter be bygone and take care the relationship by keeping God’s Words in my heart. All he does is to accuse me. He accused me that I disagree our son to be baptized in his Catholic Church and exaggerate more inserting the words bot to let our son endcup like him. So since I want to bring my son to the nearby BP church, don’t ever tell him to fetch our son. He refuses to let me explain myself. I do ever disagree for our son to be baptized in his so called Catholic Church. I don’t say, “I don’t want our son to end up like him.” I don’t want my son to be baptized without knowing anything. I want him to know and have personal relationship with Jesus Christ. All I can do is to rebuff him on the words that he ever said to his catholic priest. Every churches are the same because pray to Jesus. However, those words are taught by his mother. Why I can be so sure? He ever shared his mum complained his eldest brother is a rebel to enter into Protestant. That shows she is the mastermind. Why do I have to remember all this? Taking me for granted for being soft-hearted and saying yes to get married at his Catholic Church. Lord, this is frustrating. Taking my heart for granted to nod my head out of compassion. Only to realize that catholic doctrine prays to mother Mary. But my husband said it differently during courtship that many people misunderstand Catholic Church. He spoke so convincingly that Catholic Church prays to Jesus. My business mentor’s words echoes to help me to get my values and stand back in terms of speaking up. A gentleman won’t speak foul words. Is God helping me to get back on my feet in Him? Is my Lord enables me to return my lost voice? Now, I begin to learn to express myself. However, I speak it wrongly and my business mentor points out that is the wrong attitude in talking about the logo. Oh no! Lord, I need someone to learn from. I thought I can be heard. Why do I express it wrongly? How do I embrace my autism and slowness? My business mentor ( business partner and spiritual mother) words continuously repeat in my head, “Look to God”. I also need the Lord to guide me to the right people. I have been attempting to be the right person in Him. Only to realize I give in too much in the relationship until my spirit is dampened and almost dried up. Never ever give in to pressure that is against my values especially God’s values.

During the courtship, I gave in to my stupidity and brush away the small still voice giving uneasiness. That was actually the Holy Spirit nudged me. This is so much of a burden. I submitted to my parents to get married first in order to bring them happiness. This is the biggest mistake in life. Suddenly, the next day, my husband proposed. I feel so stupid and betrayed to trust his goody appearance and eloquent words. He never bothers to find out the matter. He is so full of his opinions and baseless accusations. This is emotional depression. I have been having mental blockage. No wonder I feel so suppressed at home. My work is greatly affected without knowing the reason. Now I understand the reason I can’t reach my full potential. I want to reach my full potential for God’s kingdom and His righteousness, protect my family and parents, and guide my son in the ways of the Lord. O Lord, please hear my cry.

I share to my business mentor who is a sister in Christ. I feel something strange in my personality test. Suddenly, I found out on the personality test I accidentally have done last year. Before I’m ISFJ. When we did the personality test, yours is ESFJ whereas mine becomes INFJ. Just did my personality test from caliberlink website, INFJ again. Oh no! What’s gotten into me? Nothing wrong. We all change over time. I hope to change for the better.

It is sad to hear from Huey that his classmate drops own pencil and shift the blame to him. Though he is angry, he keeps quiet. I feel concerned on his psychological development. I share this to my mentor again. Her reply is so clear. Reality of a fallen world. Nothing to be sad. Rather he should remain resolute that his conscience is clear and not be angry as he did not do it. Minor matter. Just beware of any possibly real bullying case like the recent video case of one student bearing the head of a classmate who kept still and quiet.

Suppressed Voice

Voice recorder is lost
Nowhere to be found
Voice is totally lost
Lost in suppression
Suppressed beyond measure
From empty threats

Thus losing own voice

Now is in the midst of
Searching own voice
Amongst many crying voices
Wishing to the Lord to return to Him

---

Inspiration On: Saturday, 12 September 2015 at 11pm

The voice recorder, which I use to record the truth, is nowhere to be found. I have extracted all the recording into a hard disk. It is placed on the wooden table. However, the recorder is gone. Where else do I misplace it? Do someone take it? The above poetry births out when I feel that I’m not heard. My parents, the confinement lady and my maid who knows the truth encourage me to speak the truth. However, the perpetrator tends to sow discord between my parents and I. Wish you all have good days and thank you. 

What Am I?

What am I?
What am I?
Am I a ball to be tossed around?

What am I?
What am I?
Am I a child who is tossed around?

What am I?
What am I?
Am I a wife who is tossed away after giving birth?

What am I?
What am I?
Am I mentee to be tossed around?

What am I?
What am I?
Am I to be hurt and keep quiet?

What am I?
What am I?
Am I to be bullied and made fun of?

I care about others’ feelings
I love to make things easy for others
I know how it feels to be hurt
I give and give
Until
I drained

What am I?
What am I?
Yes, I’m a child of God
In Jesus I find solace

---

Inspiration On: Sunday, 23 August 2015 at 11:59pm

What am I? Am I supposed to be tossed around, Lord? All my parents care is for me to get married instead of letting me gain financial independence first. I thought my husband can understand me but believes his mother’s false accusations. I’m utterly disappointed when I heard my dad to mention a fact. It is a fact that my son is a child who is used to checkmate two sides. Deep down, I am so hurt. Deep down, I wish my friend’s business plan to work out so that i can bring my child to work. It is to produce media and books for children. Her long term goal is to employ senior citizens and mothers (housewives, widows and the single mothers). Though a man gives out his own perspectives of marriage breakdown, he only cares about men’s opinion.

On the day I withdraw myself from my husband, he mentioned that he wanted to glue the broken vase to save the marriage. What does he means? I thought he often loved to threaten divorce to get his way. What do you think?

Everyday, he loves to find fault when things are done correctly. Recently, he was furious when I wanted to buy a soya sauce. The reason I want to buy soya sauce was to make a red chilli sauce. Instead of believing me, he insisted on his own presumptions. Then I don’t bother him at all.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Lost Self

Awakened
Hidden self
Lost voice
Lost self
Only
To
Return and Haunt
Shattering the shackles
With Christ’s grace and strength

---

Inspiration On: Friday, 29 May 2015 at 7:07pm

Self understanding is the most confusing part of my life. Recently, the lost self returns, pray to The Lord and is preparing to do self defense. It is lost due to run over by abusive and spoilt people. I blame myself to care too much. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Feel Stupid for Being Naive

Being naive
To trust your initial words
Destroy my trusting hearts
My heart is dead
Whenever you repeat your mum’s words
Like a parrot

The way you play with my naiveness
I feel dejected whenever I remember
You seek me during courtship
To
Dazzle my eyes
With garland of flowers

Yet now you are different
All you care is yourself
Instead of investigating the truth
You sell yourself to lies

Living in someone’s influence
Third parties’ views are right
The fool is me for not believing them
My heart is dead
Thanks to you.

---

Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12:15pm

This is the third sequel to Why Do You? and If Not For Jesus poetry. Lori Carlson’s writing prompt challenge my heart and mind to birth this poetry. My heartbreak journey is stated clearly in my first poetry. The final line signify my sarcastic remarks to my blinded husband until my tears almost dry up. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

If Not For Jesus!

If not for Jesus, I would take matter into my hands!
If not for Jesus, I would leave you!
If not for my Lord, I would have commit suicide!
If not for my Lord, I would avoid you!
If not for my Saviour, I only give you one chance!
If not for my Saviour, I would lock my door!
If not for my God, I would bark!

Yet you barge into my fence of boundaries!
Yet you take me for granted!
Yet you enjoy hurting me more!
Your ACTIONS and WORDS are inconsistent!
You always beat around the bush!

What do you WANT from me?!
I feel sick of your arrogance!
You cause me to fall into the pit of depression!
Initially
You give me the joy of life
You share your faith in Jesus
You give me the hope of
“Two is better than one”
A close confidant

If not for Jesus, I would not trust you!
If not for my Lord, I would not forgive you!
If not for my Saviour, I would forsake you!
I have enough!

---

Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12:15pm

This is the sequel to Why Do You? poetry. You have read the previous journey of my poetry. My heart and trust are fully broken. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Why Do You?

Why do you come into my life?
Why do you come to mess my life?

Why are you jealous of me?
Your grades are better then mine.
You have smarter brain than I am.

Why are you so suspicious of me?
Where do I give you misunderstanding?
I just want to bless you surprisingly.

Why do you use my weakness to put me down?
I thought you are my confidant.
There is so much thing I want to share with you.

Now
My lips are tight
I can not trust you

Why I can not trust you?
Because you lie to me!
Because you add wounds to my salt!
Make my life like a hell!

Why do you believe the devil’s lies?
Do you love to misjudge others?
Do you still live in your mother’s cloud of influence and decision?

Why do you take advantage of my naiveness?
Why do you take advantage of my confusion?
Why do you love to put your words into others’ mouth?
I can not believe your words anymore.

---

Inspiration On: Thursday, 21 May 2015 at 12pm

A lot of strange events occur in my life. When I mean well, my mother in law and husband misunderstood me. When I begin to trust him again and confide in him, he betray my trust. Maybe I look highly of him. Every year, my mother in law gave warnings of divorce threats to me. Then my husband always let me to make the decisions. When the result of my decision turns out well, no appreciation. Yet when the result of my decision is wrong, he always pick on me and put me down. I have felt worse. Yet he makes me feel much worse. Despite my parents warning, I feel foolish to pity my mother in law. But she falsely accused my mother and I out of her jealousy. Recently, my husband loves to start to the quarrel and blame me. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Lonely Life

Loneliness residing inside
Despair in life
Living in this lonely world
Though I seek to understand others

Full of ravaging wolves
Preying on my caring hearts
Wounding it to the core

Lacking understanding hearts
Produce deflectors
Causing

One feet forward yet half feet backward
Towards my destination
Confusions are battling within

Now
Wishing to be invisible
Resting from many labours

---

Inspiration On: Tuesday, 17 March 2015 at 4:45pm

My many mistakes hurt my heart. It is the mistake to care others yet others do not seek to understand me. Though some nice people encourage me to move forward, some even deters me from moving forward. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Do I or Do I Not?

Do I matter?
Or do I not matter?

Only to be a door mat
Or to be a floor mat

Is my dream unacceptable?
Only to be overwritten
Opinions are given to me to be listened

Is my voice unheard?
Due to my softness

My mind wanders
Aimlessly in the clouds

My legs wanders
Aimlessly between house and outside

Do I matter?
Or do I not matter?

---

Inspiration On: Sunday, 1 March 2015 at 4:20am to 4:34am

Driven by the strong feelings of depression, I begin to question my existence. Questioning the reason of me being alive instead of my eldest sister who is more intelligent then I do. Her intelligence and strong absorption in learning are praised by my parents. And I know I am slow. Hence, I do my best in my studies. Escaping deaths thrice plus twice. I feel so tired of living and being taken advantage. Do I able to succeed to contribute to my family financially? Thank you for your time to read this poetry. Wish you all have good days and thank you.