Pain Awakes

Awake from pain
Awake through pain
Awake in pain

To see a person’s true colours
To separate the truth from lies
To realize own mistakes

Admit own mistakes
Only to be treated as scapegoat
Others throw their mistakes onto me

Letting others control over my life
Let them go by walking away
Enable me to be in control of own emotions

Speaking up to assert myself
Speaking up to create own boundary
Speaking up to stand up for others

Living in continuum pain
Seeking God’s healing
Live to please my Lord

Inspiration On: Monday, 28 April 2014 at 4:50am
Revised On: Monday, 30 January 2017 at 9:30pm

Everyday’s pain in dealing with people births out this poetry. I learn to realise of my own weaknesses and to stand up for my family and myself. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Quote: Where there is a hole, There the dirt is found

Inspiration On: Sunday, 5 June 2016

Suddenly, my mother brings me to remembrance. A short quote. It is a summary of my observations that I had ever said. I can’t remember what I have said. Now, she feels that it makes logical sense. Laughing at its truthfulness. Once she speaks out the quote I had said, then I begin to remember.

How do I come about to such points? Since young, I observe my stomach hole. The dirt often accumulate inside my stomach hole. I have the tendency to clean it. Besides that, dirt is also found in the nostril. Dirt also accumulates in our ear holes. Thus we clean it in order to hear clearly.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Let Go

Cell leader shares
Her struggles to let go her husband
Who was in sickness beyond measure

Struggle with God
Regarding my husband
Stops

Let go
And
Let God

All struggle ends
Time to rise up from denial
Embrace the truth

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 13 February 2016

When I am at LT’s house for Lohei, cell leader shares her about her husband who passed away. The doctor mentioned that his sickness was beyond cure, she was still holding onto him. In the end, she learns to let go and let God makes the decision. Next day, he passed away and with the Lord. She feels depressed. I keep quiet and feel speechless. I also let God make the decision. My struggle reaches to the end.

Then it is the turn to visit my house and I need to lead the way. In the MRT, cell leader explains the importance for my son to learn to let go of the umbrella. She doesn’t ask the happenings in my son’s life when he was 3 years and 4 years old. She thinks lightly of it. I feel speechless of humans to really sit down and listen rather than giving advises non-stoply. I appreciate my husband to prepare five pieces of Hong Bao with $8 in each. My cell member Jy reaches my house first due to her children need the toilet. She shares that he smiles during his talk. That’s good. However, I already know his true colours. So I keep quiet. He goes out to have lunch. All children play with Huey happily. Suddenly, Jy personally asks me how I meet my husband. Embarrassingly, I admit it is my home church friends who matchmake. I don’t want to go for the matchmake session. I admit that I go for it to make my mum happy. Then she asks whether he gives money to my parents. Ashamedly, I admit he doesn’t give. I’m the one who gives whenever there is job. The house first payment I come out the money besides of him. After married, he has been paying for it. Everybody is leaving soon. Suddenly, my room door is locked. After I investigate the matter, Huey locks my room door.

Then we rush to my cell leader’s house with taxi. I sit in the same taxi with LT and IL. Irene explains the need for me to immediately strikes the iron while it is hot. It is the importance to speak to my son about locking my room door and let him reflect on his behaviour. It helps for him to write it in a reflection book so that he can keep tracks of it. She has a point. The taxi reaches cell leader’s house. LT pays for the taxi fare when I want to pay my share. I feel uncomfortable about it.

Upon returning home, my parents give me a share of their food. I feel so grateful. I find out that my mum’s opinion is not listened by my husband in caring our son in his slight fever. She means that my son shouldn’t take shower, just wipe body. However, my husband gives him shower. My mum cooks porridge for him. She purposely advises him to eat it for dinner and let my husband hears. My husband goes out and buys noodle from food court. This is too much. Does he cares our son’s well being?! This saddens her. There is a sudden idea to tell my mum to speak the opposite way in order to make my husband to do the way that is according to our son’s well-being. I know that she cares my son’s well-being. I know my husband well that he tends to purposely do the other way in order to get back at her. This is too much. Nobody in the cell knows this. I feel ashamed of his doings. At night, mum advises me not to let my son shower. Then he comes out of the room and says the same thing. I also choose not to let my son to take shower. I prepare his medication. My husband speaks as if he is a know it all. This is so saddening. Suddenly, he says that he is going to dentist to repair his tooth tomorrow.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Always Screwed

Feel encouraged and appreciated
Receiving compliments and directness
Where to improve

Confessing to my Lord
All the hurts and pain
Betrayal feelings

Confessing to mature Christians
Seeking counsel to
Settle the dispute with those

Tend to sow discord
Making wrong to right
Right to wrong

Tired of such mental anguish from hell
Sense God’s goodness through others wish
The best for me through their acts of kindness

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Inspiration On: Sunday, 31 January 2016

Looking at the time, I rush my son to eat. I got pissed off and scold him no need to go out with me. It is just a remark to rush him off. My brother shows his displeasure to leave him at home. I react and tell him off not to meddle my discipline. After I cut the meat in his bowl, he rushes into my room. So I run after him. Then he cries and asking me, “why do you always scold me?” That hurts me. I respond, “whenever I say gently, you don’t listen.” I already know that my mum always overwrite my discipline and even scold me in front of my son.

I don’t know how to say. I feel so appreciative of BL’s compliments and suggestions of my curriculum vitae. Her directness to tell me that I focus on the unimportant stuffs and to spread myself too thin. That’s what Perine Seah has been telling me. I enjoy the interaction with Tanvi whom she introduces as her researcher and even voiceover.

Another while I feel so hurt to know my mother in law and husband attempt to sow discord between my parents and I. It is due to their lack of insecurity and jealousy. I intercede for him not to be taken away. I just let God to do the judgement. I feel so tired of the struggle to intercede.

So I confess to Uncle WY, “Uncle WY, how do you handle someone who sows discord? I often comfort myself with their good points. I feel like a fool. Later on, I found out about it. I need more mature Christians who can guide me in this. Thanks.”

“May i call you tomorrow Mon 1st Feb at 12pm to pray with you how to handle those who sow discord? unc WY,” he responds.

Gratefully I respond, “Sure. Thanks a lot.”

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Truths and Hurts

Awakened to see
Everybody’s
True colours

Awakened to see and understand
Different perspectives, shoes and feelings
Sword of betrayal feelings hurts me deeply

Angst of ordeal pain
Due to being care too much
Letting everyone to cross over my boundaries

Always pointing my mistakes
Without knowing my worst feelings
Only care with their own opinions and feelings

Let God be the Judge
Learn to assert my boundaries with wisdom
Seeking God’s protection upon my boundaries

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Inspiration On: Saturday, 30 January 2016

In the church service, they preach on the theme “Beyond Conflict” on how to resolve conflict in a biblical way and the examples of good points and the mistakes made between people. My heart is so hurting. At the altar call, I seek prayer to alleviate my mental stress, better manage myself and to find a job so that I can protect those whom I love. The intercessor comforts me of God’s presence in my hard times. I feel better then I fetch my son from the GKids. I feel so happy that he listens to instructions well during the community blessings. I thank the Lord for his heart.

I am shocked to realize the points I am disappointed with my husband. Dishonesty, lack of gratitude and commitment, manipulative, using my parents and ready to kick them away once our son reaches 3 years old, taking it for granted, think of himself and his own presumptions made me lose hope in my husband. Recently, he insists to let the helper to have her own way to return to her hometown instead of negotiating with her and choose to believe her excuse to return to her hometown. In the end, I have to bear the consequences of his decision. He still dares to say I don’t think for him. I have enough of his excuses. He thinks that handle maid is easy. Throughout the interaction with him, I have enough to deal with such personality who can make right to wrong and wrong to right. When my dad rebuked him gently, he regards it as bully him instead of accepting as a man’s responsibility. I heard it from our son talking to my mother in law on the phone. I have enough of this. Inside my heart, I feel so stupid to believe him. I have felt worst in my heart to let God down, let my parents down, my mistakes and failures, to cover his mistakes and to bear the consequences of his decisions. I feel so foolish to only see his good points to comfort myself. I also feel so foolish to care my mother in law’s feelings who later on backstab me from behind and using my husband. My husband fully listens to her every orders. Now, he is playing politics and attempting to take our son’s heart. Lord, I have enough of this. Now, I totally surrender my mother in law and my husband to you. I’m tired of the politics. No wonder it cause me mental stress and being torn in between. Lord, I just want to have peace of mind. Thank You, Lord, for Your divine meeting with Your committed followers. I feel so thankful for their support.

John Maxwell Leadership course definitely helps me a lot. I thank God for him and appreciate his business.

Wish you all have good days and thank you.

Recent Memories

Recent Memories erupts
Recent memories hurts much
A child’s cry etched deeply

“Not me!”
“Not me!”
“I’m not the one who kills the fish!”

“Not me!”
“Not me!”
“I’m not the one who kills the fish!”

“Daddy is the one who reduced the water!”
“I don’t kill the fish!”
“Not me!”

Out of fear
Of my husband’s false accusation to occur
I comfort him
Hugging him
I’ve seen the truth
The one who lays hands on his pet fish is
His dad
Can sense my son calms down
The Lord hears his cries

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Inspiration On: Wednesday, 28 October 2015 at 9:25pm

Strangely, I am reminded of the dream where my husband walks towards the coffin and stands besides it. However, the fear inside me is almost gone. Is God answering my prayer to take my life away after I fulfill my vow instead of Lih Shien? Why would God’s message spoke to me during my friend’s mother’s funeral wake keeps echoing? “Those who wants to die, can’t die. However, those who don’t want to die, will die.”

Unexpected Massage

Today, it is an unexpected meeting my business mentor. she messages me that her meeting with a business consultant is postponed to next week so she doesn’t mind to meet me. She guides me how to spend $10 voucher from an expensive shop because she refuses me giving it to her. Amazingly, I find the glass jug I have been looking for. Then she brings me to nearby food court and we have a talk at a food court. She treats me fried banana and crispy nuts for snacks. I really appreciate her to call someone to find volunteer for a startup company and massage my perpetual chronic migraine. She explains it too fast that I need to learn to speak out to ask for help especially next week during the creative meeting. Oh, this is humbling.

Thank God for the opportunity and courage to tell her that the truth she said is too harsh and to explain that I can’t find the correct words to express myself because I am slow. She confesses that is the way she presents her truth. Then the scripture “speak the truth with love” comes to my mind and I state it is in proverbs. Since I am slow, she teaches me to say “excuse me, let me explain”. When she says that I love my face, I feel so speechless. It’s not about saving my face, it’s being quiet in the Lord and being caring for others.

Come to think of all these things, I have been thinking and thinking. I laugh at myself again. Why do I become a small kid again? However, this time is with a spiritual mother whom I have been wishing and needing in my life. So fierce. This spiritual mother is my business mentor and also my business partner.

In the middle of the night, I begin to search “speak the truth with love” from the scripture. It is found in Ephesians 4:15. It is not “with” but “in”. Oh no! I remember it wrongly. So I quickly message her. I wonder and wonder. What is God doing? I thought I am going to die. I thought I hear Him clearly to sacrifice the little money I have.

Crying Autistic

Living in denial
Hating my existence
Unable to accept
The truth and fact
Deep inside me

Autism is the
Label given to me
Coming from my family members
Many time I deny it
Only to surrender and learn to
Embrace autism in my life

Knowing the angst of my pain
But I choose to smile to others
Showing the brighter side of my true self
Wishing to cheers the broken-hearted
Yet others tend to
Break my heart
And
Take advantage
Of my kindness
Only to land myself
Vulnerable
Miserable
Feeling the awful pangs of hurt
From all the
Pre-judgements

When my world is closing
You come into my life with your own agenda
Soothing words to uplift me
Then you hurt me four times
Pushing me forward three step backs
Then pull me backward four step backs
Why are you playing with my innocence?!
Why are you entering into my world?
Giving me FALSE hopes
Only to DASH it!
Enough of your mental game!
Stop!
My Lord sees it and warns me of your cunningness
To PREVENT me from further hurt!
This IS the FENCE of my BOUNDARIES!

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Inspiration On: Tuesday, 21 April 2015 at 12am

These are the summary of my experiences birthed in poetry. I thank my Lord and Saviour for the right words to SHOUT it out. Wish you all have good days and thank you.

HUFF! HUFF!

HUFF! HUFF!
Plucks her out of dreamland
HUFF! HUFF!
Makes her hair stands
HUFF! HUFF!
Chills her spine
HUFF! HUFF!
Is someone making love?
HUFF! HUFF!
Cause her to open her eyeball
To seek the truth

HUFF! HUFF!
Realizing her son is exercising
Push up exercise
HUFF! HUFF!
Close her eyelids
Continue her sleep

HUFF! HUFF! Continues

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Inspiration On: Monday, 5 August 2013 from 12:03am to 12:08am

One morning, my mother was sleeping and shocked with the “HUFF! HUFF!” sound. This scared her and presumed someone was making love. But it seemed impossible. So she chose to open her eyes to see what was happening. A few days ago, she shared to me. This story had been stirring in my mind by putting myself in her shoes to end this poetry.

Fly Infinitely

Words are jumping around
Words pop out
Flying words pass by

The seeds of Words
The seeds of faith
Birth out
More words juice out of
The fruits of
The seeds of words
Playing
Echoing
In my heart and mind
As I
Fly with words of poetry
Dabble in words of poetry
Play with words of poetry
Fly in the clouds of poetry

Fly . . . in . . . the midst of
Poetry
Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly . . . in
My Lord Jesus Christ
Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly . . . in
Living the Bible
Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly . . . in
Observations
Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly . . . in
The Truth
Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly . . . in
Muse
Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly . . . in
Analysis
Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly . . . in
Living in this life

Fly . . . Fly . . . Fly
Flutter . . . Flutter . . . Flutter
Infinitely

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Inspiration Ends On: Saturday, 6 July 2013 at 1:30am

The image of me flying in the midst of the clouds of poetry gave me the sense of freedom of expressions and release of emotions.